The Take-Off

The past month has been pretty overwhelming... So overwhelming that I can't seem to put everything into words as they happened. These feelings exhaust me so much that I'd rather lay in bed and wait 'til I fall asleep... Then I wake up and everything starts all over again.

A few days ago, I let some of those feelings out in a short post. I asked myself much longer will I be able to last in this situation... I really was on the verge of a breakdown. Unfortunately, I had no one to talk to about it. That's my thing. If I'm too clouded by my emotions to write, a good talk would definitely be the cure.. But I had no one... No one who will understand... Which made it harder for me to keep myself together.

Now... I'm back... Writing again... But this doesn't mean that everything has passed... I guess I feel like I got some of my sanity back today. Thus, these words... They have found me again.

This isn't my first entry, let me tell you... I've already written an entry moments ago... Yes, I'm on a roll! That's how I'm so in the zone right now. I hope I'll stay in this for a while, though, because I still need to do my friend/life adviser's yearbook write-up. Haha!

Now, about that other entry... You won't find it here. I've posted it somewhere else... Because... Remember that journal I've mentioned before? Well, I've decided to put it up as a blog. Yes, another blog... And I feel gratified! I feel like I've accomplished something big. Or maybe I'm just looking forward to its purpose. I hope it won't fulfill its purpose soon, though... Not yet...

If I was a patient and someone was taking my history, writing would be my treatment and he or she would report it as, "It afforded temporary relief." Yes, just temporary. There's still a little something left inside me that I can't seem to describe other than "feeling weird" or "frustrated". Maybe more like torn? I'm not sure... See? I really can't describe it.

I've been thinking about a plan, lately... I'm close to wholeheartedly executing it because... Everyday, I feel like I'm dying. I want to get out of this. My heart is suffering too much, I can't control my emotions anymore. Mind you, I am having my rotation in Psychiatry right now... So I keep myself in check if I'm already having symptoms of depression... Talk about paranoia and nice timing, huh? My heart is making me feel like I'm mentally sick. Ugh.

So... Now that I have that new blog site, I feel like THIS one's going to be flying low for a while... Maybe... I'm still not sure... Because when I usually start something about "something", it suddenly ends before I can really say that I've began. Let's see... I still have time... I'm running out of it, though... But I'd like to think that I can still do something about it. I want to... I need to... Before I take that risk I've been wanting to do...

The Reason #IMhere

16th of November 2014, one quiet afternoon at home

I am three-fourths of the way done with my first clerkship adventure... Fifteen days to go before I say bye-bye to Internal Medicine... But the experience might extend another 32 hours... Because I missed 32 hours with them...

I had to undergo a minor surgical procedure a few days ago. Excision biopsy... Of my hidradenitis suppurativa... The night before my procedure (my dad was also in the room, by the way), a resident doctor from the Anesthesiology department gave me a briefing of what their side might do. They were only going to give me an intravenous general anesthesia... But then, he said something to this effect, "If ever something else happens during the operation, there's a possibility that we might intubate you." In my mind, I was, like, "Intubate? INTUBATE? Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? What the heck could happen that could lead to that?" He was still explaining the rest of whatever he was supposed to explain but I got stuck with "intubate". When he finished, I wasn't able to help myself and truthfully told him, "I suddenly got nervous when you said that I might get intubated!" Of course, he was trying his best to tell him that it's ONLY a possibility... But still...! Hearing that it could possibly be done to me was just... TOO SOON... After what I experienced on my first and last days in the coronary care unit of our hospital, and knowing how it was done was just... TOO SOON...

I knew was undergoing a low risk procedure... A less than 1% chance of having any kind of complication. I knew I was going to be in the most amazing and caring hands since my dad was going to do the said procedure, assisted by his resident whom I have full trust in. But after what I have witnessed in my less-than-two-months-stint as a junior intern and having a mind like mine, I got [a bit] paranoid... You know what I did? I asked my brother to bring me THE JOURNAL before coming to the hospital.

Yes... THE JOURNAL...

I haven't written anything in it for quite a while now... But weird li'l ol' me had this feeling of wanting it with me that night... Not to write anything else in it since my thoughts were too much for my hands to keep up with... But to just have it ready... Just in case... YES, I am THAT morbid. The problem was I haven't told anybody else what to do with it... Like... Who to give it to if something DOES happen to me. Maybe this one friend of mine would know since she knows I have THAT journal... I'm not sure... But I was more than 99% sure I won't fall in that less than 1%... And THANK GOD I didn't...!

The general anesthesia experience was QUITE an experience, though. Before getting into the serious part, here's a blooper... Picture this: I was already on the OR table. They could get all of my hair inside the surgical cap so the anesthesiology resident who gave me "the talk" the night before had to out a towel on my head, turban style. We were having a laugh. Then he told me, "Okay, I'm going to give you the anesthesia now. If you feel dizzy, don't fight it, just sleep. So start thinking of good dreams now."

BOOM!

The minute he told me that, I immediately thought of two persons...

First:

My resident doctor crush... I don't know why but maybe because it was the safe choice... Just in case I suddenly talk in sleep. At least all the people in the OR would hear was his name... VERY SAFE... He has already a heartthrob so I'm sure people won't be surprised if I unconsciously utter his name.

Second:

HIM... The reason I started the journal... The one who will receive the journal if ever the truth remains untold. The second I thought of him, I immediately dismissed it. I don't want to dream about him... Because I want him in my reality...

Then, I decided not to think about anything anymore. I just turned to my dad, called out to him and told him, "Good night, Papa!" Then, I closed my eyes...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

"Why does it hurt?" I thought to myself. "Should I open my eyes?" I asked myself. "But then again, the procedure might not be over and they might get surprised when they see me awake." But after a few seconds of battling with myself, I opened my eyes. No more OR lights, no more doctors... Just yellow walls and the clerk I was talking to a few days ago when I had my lesion checked with the Surgery resident my dad referred me to. "So... I am now in the PACU." I told myself. In a husky, growly voice, I asked her, "Nasaan na ako?" ("Where am I?") even if I already knew where I was, just to make sure. "Nasa recovery room ka na." ("You're in the recovery room.") Then I asked her other questions which I can't remember her answers to... I fall in and out of consciousness a few times, only feeling the pain of the operative site, and the tightening of the BP cuff every 15 minutes. Then the nurse came to me a said, "Aakyat ka na ha. Gusto ka nang paakyatin ng Papa mo." (You're going up now. Your dad already wants you back up in your room." After telling me that, it took a while before I left the recovery room. 

I left my room before 1:00 PM and returned past 6:00 PM. It took a while before I woke up, my dad said. He, actually, stayed with me for a while in the recovery room, waiting for me to wake up. He told me that the IV GA plus local anesthesia didn't really work on me so they had to give me more GA via face mask. I guess all that GA really knocked me out!

My afterthought... It started coming to me the moment I woke up in the recovery room. What if something really DID happen on that table?

My last words would have been, "Good night, Papa!"

And my last thought would have been... HIM...

This just came to me as I wrote that last statement... I felt weird having that resident crush of mine as the first thought when the anesthesiology resident told me to think of a good dream. I kept questioning myself why he entered my mind first. He's not THAT significant... Then... As I wrote that statement... I realized why HE came second to the resident crush... Because HE deserved to be the last thing on my mind... If ever I left this world on that table, HE would be the last thing, the last person I thought of... Not my friends, not even my family or God (I feel ashamed...)... But HIM... I'd leave the world with HIM as my good dream... And my life would've had a happy, peaceful end.

Nothing really big really happened while I was knocked out. There was no "my-life-flashed-before-my-eyes" moment because I didn't really have a near-death experience. But that realization just affirmed that I've moved on... And that I should never doubt myself with the choice I made.

So, now... #IMback... And #IMhere... In the Department of Internal Medicine.

There is a reason why I chose to be where I am. I could've chosen Pediatrics. I could've chosen Psychiatry-ENT-Ophthalmology... But I chose to be with IM. So far, I don't have any regrets. And I'm hoping I won't have any as this journey continues. I prepared myself, though. Anything can happen... The good, the bad, the nothing. I'm not expecting anything except for that moment when my heart will break. That's the only thing I'm expecting... Because it seems like it's the only thing I keep getting.

I am tempted, though... I am tempted to take the risk... Seriously... Because I just can't stand here and watch things as they unfold beyond my control. I have to take action, somehow. I can't always be at the sidelines, watching him chase someone else when I can go on that track and try to tap him just so he could turn around and see me.

Life is too short...

If anything, THAT would be the ultimate lesson I got from being sedated... under general anesthesia... What if I didn't wake up? He will never know how I truly felt unless THAT journal reaches him. He will never get to have a say if he knew how I felt. I will never know what could happen if he knew. Everything will be left hanging. There will be no closure. Yes, I could've died with him on my mind. But, like I said, I want him in my reality... Because reality will always be better than a dream.

A Glance at the Rear View Mirror

This entry was born out of another entry I was writing a while ago which I decided not to continue anymore due to the, somewhat, detailed description of what has happened these past few days. I've started a number of entries which I, eventually, kept to myself because of the same reason. One sure thing about me in blogging: NEVER write anything when I'm on an emotional high or when I just organized my thoughts because it always leads to a very descriptive blog post... Cryptic's my thing, I guess... And I want to keep it that way...

So... With that said...

Eighteen days...

I've been a junior intern (JI)/clerk for eighteen days now... I've been doing fine, "professionally speaking", maybe because I've wanted this for a long time. I've also been doing fine, "personally speaking", because I am where I am. I made this decision. I've weighed the pros and the cons. I've decided to just deal with whatever happens along the way. In other words, this was a "follow your heart" choice.

Yesterday, I had a heart-melting conversation with a friend of mine... Get ready... This is going to be a doozy... That conversation? It was about... THE CHOSEN ONE. I don't want to fully declare that he's making a comeback... Let's just say he's making a guest appearance or a cameo... She told me something that made my heart sink. I'm not sure, though, if it's because I felt sorry for him, I felt bad for him, or whatever. It just made me feel sad... And confused at the same time. Before writing this, I had to read the last entry I wrote about him to make sure if I outright ended THAT chapter... And I felt like I did. Now... I think I'm about to eat my words.

Before getting into me being confused, I wonder... Was he able to read THAT entry? I mean, I don't think he'd read something I wrote. I never assume people to read my posts even if I share it on my other social networking accounts. But... What if? Even if "Cryptic's my thing", I still believe that he'd get what I said without the specifics. I still believe that he's THAT quick and THAT smart to get the meaning behind my posts. After what my friend told me, I'm bothered and quite affected by what he's going through right now... Isn't it obvious?

Now... I'm confused... I don't know if what I learned about him yesterday is bringing back feelings or I'm just feeling bad for him. I wasn't able to respond with a straight answer when my friend asked me if I still had feelings for him... So... What does that mean? Though it felt like that "Take A Bow" entry was my last TCO entry, I don't think I totally closed that door on him. Maybe I left it ajar or a window open... I don't know... I'm not sure... I'm always open to possibilities... And, with him, by tagging him as "The Chosen One", there will always be a space for him in my heart.

So... Here I am... I am left with this uncomfortable feeling of, "What if?" What if I chose a different path in this junior internship? The problem with me is that I am too much after the chase... Yes, the chase... I'm chasing after someone who keeps chasing after another. Insert scene from "My Best Friend's Wedding" where Dermot Mulroney's chasing after Cameron Diaz while Julia Robert's chasing after Dermot Mulroney while Rupert Everett's on the phone with Julia talking some sense into her saying, "Who's chasing after you? No one!" Yes... I feel like Julia Roberts in this situation. No one's chasing after me. I'm the one, the only one doing all the work... I thought I had no regrets making this decision. But after what I heard yesterday, I feel like I'm starting to have them...

I can't fully explain what and how I'm feeling right now... But I'm definitely hurting... Because my heart seems to be searching for something it can't find... Or maybe it doesn't know what it's searching for. Now that I'm a clerk, I'm giving myself full permission to dwell in this misery. I thought I've already made my choice. I guess fate keeps playing with me, always getting TCO back in the picture when I already thought I've moved on. I have to think about this. I have to make sense out of this. I have to know what THIS IS exactly. I don't want to keep chasing after someone who's always after another person. And I don't want to be the person who just keeps waiting for someone who made me feel like I'm his option.

I just want to be somebody's somebody.

These Kind Souls

It's already 12:54 AM... Obviously, I'm still wide awake... Obviously, this is because of the adrenaline rush I got twelve hours ago. I have the perfect setting right now... I'm at home... My room is dark... I have so many thoughts running through my mind... I'm feeling things, emotions, and all that stuff...

Time to write an entry.

I've been thinking about what happened seven months ago and today, comparing the "both ends of the spectrum" feelings that I had on both moments. As a medical student, nothing compares to the pain of losing a hard-fought battle for something you wanted so bad. That's my situation seven months ago which have given birth to a lengthy unrelated-to-love entry entitled, "Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul" which has the most views amongst my entries to date.

Today, I can finally say that nothing compares to the happiness of being victorious in that battle you once lost. Yes! I passed. I passed one of the most critical subjects in med school. This is the reason why I am rejoicing right now even if I still have to wait for my other subjects' results before officially saying that I am a junior intern.

Seven months ago, I almost called it quits even if I had still had another exam to take. What was the point of going through it when I already knew that my worst med school fear has become my reality? But I had people who kept carrying me to my feet when I had no strength left to stand. These people, I call them FRIENDS.

I mentioned them before in my "Left Behind" entry. They're my friends/life advisers who's with me the whole year last year and who shook me to the core during my final week, and my newfound friends (at that time), the ones that caught me by surprise because I hadn't known them for THAT long and yet they were the ones who gave me the courage to finish my already lost race. So... Today... When I learned about the good news, I knew I had to with them. They were with me at my worst. They just had to be with me at my best. Being in their presence was, like, the icing on the yummiest med school cake! Even if I had to leave right away after checking out the results, I decided to stay in school for a while. I just wanted to cherish that moment of success and being with them in that moment. My perfect reward!

This entry isn't just about them. This is about my expression of gratitude towards each and every one who showed their support from the very beginning, especially during the past few months. I think I've said this before but I'll say this again... I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful people who know just how to lift my spirit when it forgot how to fly. This journey has been a long turbulent one but I was able to survive it because of you. I cannot thank you enough. You might think that I'm being melodramatic but this is just me, honestly saying how much I appreciate every small gesture you've shown me. Those small things may not mean much to you but it does to someone like me who's been through such a tough time. Thank you.... Thank you... May God bless you all!

So... One down, two more to go! Like I said seven months ago...

I'll see you guys on October 2014!

Unravelling The Untold Truth

18th of September 2014, 3 minutes before midnight

I'm in the middle of studying for my Gynecology finals when I suddenly had the urge to start this post... I had to... Before this day ends... I feel like I'm trying to beat the shot clock, scrambling to get this started... I might be posting/publishing this late but at least I started it on a day that is significant to me... And to the person who inspired this entry.

Today was a vacant day for me this week, our final exam week. Usually, I spend the whole day "locked up" in my dorm room, alternating studying and wasting my time on my iPad (like what I'm doing right now.). But today's different... I had something up my sleeve which meant deviating from my usual Thursday major exam week habit. I knew I had to do it soon because, knowing me, I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do (which was to study) if I haven't done this other thing I had planned for today. So... I did it... IT GOT DONE! That should put my mind at ease...

Well, I was wrong...

You know me... I don't go into detail about what happened but, let me tell you... IT WAS AWKWARD... Well, at least for me it was! It was SO awkward, I couldn't get myself focused on my studying. Every now and then, the scenario keeps replaying in my mind and then I burst out into an "I'm so stupid" rant then hit myself on the head with my clipboard.

Honestly, I built up this scenario days before I "executed" this plan... Nothing out of the ordinary, though... Nothing far from reality... I guess I just practiced, in my head, what I'd do and say... And maybe imagined his possible response: a simple thank you then maybe a hug? Then... IT happened... I did what I had planned to do... But somehow, I lost myself the moment I saw him... Even more so when he was standing right in front of me...! Like I said, I imagined this scenario days before... The hug was a half hug, though. It started so awkward because I had no idea if he gestured to do it so I leaned towards him and then ended up with that half hug. What caught me off guard was his question... I suddenly found myself smiling so stupidly at him, trying to think of something witty to say then I just answered plainly... A plain yet stupid answer... I hate myself...

This is it... I have come to this point... I lose all sense in his presence... Mind you, that wasn't the first time that happened... I used to be able to have a clever comeback whenever he says something witty. But now... My mind just draws a blank as if I'm letting him win by default. This is it... Everything has changed...

I think I'm in love with him...

I've been trying to deny this whole thing since he started "our thing." It was an unusual start. I wasn't used to experiencing what he did that I had to ask his friend if he was really like that. I didn't want to assume anything that's why I asked. When his friend told me about him, I dismissed the idea because he told me he's like that naturally. Touchy, text-y, chatty... I let him do that since I felt safe by his friend's assurance. But... At the back of my mind, I knew all that would lead into something else. Then again, at that time, I had The Chosen One on my mind so I, somehow, had this security that I won't fall into a trap.

Time passed... Many exchanges had happened... Then, one day... One of my good friends saw us at the bench having our usual friendly banters. I let her sit between us as we continued our non-sense. Then, she suddenly said something like, "You guys, you might eventually end up together with all that, huh!" I was so surprised by her remark that I let out a nervous, "Ha!" as if I was laughing the idea off. BUT... I clearly heard him say, "Why not?" When I heard that, I knew I had the wrong reaction. Why? Because I knew, that time, that I was starting to like him... I was just trying to avoid the idea... All because of The Chosen One.

I was afraid to admit the fact that I already liked him. I was afraid because I didn't want to let TCO go... Not just yet... I was still holding on to the possibility of something happening. It's as if I had my hope on TCO on life support and I just didn't want to pull the plug. And, another thing that I was afraid to admit was the fact that I liked two guys at the same time. I hated being that person. I hated being the person who couldn't decide who I liked better. And I'm not used to letting someone go because I was starting to like someone else. It's SO not me... I was used to dwelling in the misery of my heartache for months before finally getting back up and being able to say that I've moved on for real.

For months, I went back and forth between TCO and this guy. But when last semester was about to end, he had me... Not TCO... THIS GUY had me... The last couple of weeks last semester, somehow, I felt something changed. Maybe because I finally let myself feel what I wanted to feel... And I was feeling him. I will never forget the way he stared me down this one time. I was laughing giddily when he flat out stared me down. MY GOSH! I thought I was going to blow my cover. I almost did. I was SO tempted to tell him the truth but I just couldn't. I was never built to do something THAT brave and I didn't want to add "extracurricular drama" into our already dramatic academic life. So... Again... Concealed feelings... What's new, right?

Then TCO happened again... Blog entries right and left... Then, just when I was able to stay firm on my decision, here HE comes again! He's got nice timing... He just knows when to enter the picture... Somehow, I can't help but think that he knows when he's losing someone. The time when he re-entered the picture, we haven't had any communication for almost a couple of months. Out of the blue, he started things up again... And I, the most gullible person ever, fell for it...

Thus, the journal...
Thus, the two "Twist" entries...
Thus, letting TCO go...

I am DEFINITELY eating my words now... I said I wanted THIS to be as private as possible... I said I wasn't going to talk about him again... And what am I doing now? Pouring all this feelings crap about him... DAMN! This is really it, huh?

I have really fallen for him... Hard.. 

I still want to keep things private, though. I still have the journal. It took me a while after that last "Twist" entry to get started on it again. My mind was just a mess after that. Not that it isn't a mess right now. But at least, I have decided...


This is it... Another journey into heartbreak... Yes, I'm calling it now... I know it's going to end the same way... It always ends up with me trying to hold it together even if I badly want to fall apart. The story of my life... I thought I'd get used to it... But no... Each person is a different kind of heartache. Somehow I wonder if I learn anything from these experiences. Maybe I do... But the problem is each experience is always with a different person. I feel like ALL THIS is one big hurtful experiment... And I'm the mad scientist... I'm hoping, though, that one day, ALL THIS will make sense to me...

So... Scratch that "I will never talk about him again" statement I made before... Because here he is... Like I said in my very first entry, everybody needs an introduction... And THIS is his...

Take A Bow

I've been feeling this way for almost a month now... Or maybe even longer... It's almost like the circumstances these past few weeks have forced me to feel otherwise just so I can hold on to that certain feeling my heart yearns for. Though I know I'm going down the path by myself, at least I have that light to guide me to the possibilities I've built inside my head. But now... I'm not so sure anymore. Better yet, I'm sure I've reached this point.

This is it...

THIS IS THE END...

This is my farewell to The Chosen One...

I remember the last person I've, *ahem*, felt something like this before. There was a final act. It wasn't a graceful one, though. It was pretty emotional. I remember the day clearly. It was a November afternoon back in 2012. Two of my good friends and I were walking outside the school right after having lunch. We haven't talked about that certain person for quite some time but, somehow, we got to talking about him and something that happened to him that time. We already knew about it a month or so before and we've already talked about it several times. There wasn't anything different about the way we were talking about it but something triggered a part of me that just led to a breakdown. I was trying not let my tears fall since we were out in public but I was already too overwhelmed. My friends weren't expecting me to react like that. They apologized for talking about it but it wasn't their fault. I guess I was holding things in too much. THAT was the final act... That emotional breakdown... After that, everything suddenly got better... A better me and a better rekindled friendship.

I was waiting for something like that for this current "thing." I was already expecting something emotional. Flashback to that one entry I wrote when I got emotional listening to "his music." Maybe that's why I thought that I was last straw. I already knew that time, though, that it wasn't. But, again, THIS TIME... I'm certain that this is the final curtain call.

It came to me in, I guess, the most superficial thing. I did something right after writing the first "Twist" entry... Because my friend forced me to. She told me to do it so that I could cheer myself up. It was time to make myself happy, she said. So, I did it. I got favorable results the next day so... No regrets. But the days following it, I gradually felt like that spark was getting dim. The excitement, the thrill of waiting to see if he'd do what I did is gone... Just gone... 

The magic has faded...

I'm not under his spell anymore...

The feeling is gone...

Honestly, I feel bad for finally admitting this... Mainly because of all the admissions I've done. The things I've said about how he came to be The Chosen One... MY Chosen One... MY first choice... I mean, I knew this time will eventually come because, like I've said before, I'm going down a one-way street but I never really expected it to be over so soon. Maybe this is how things are if you fall for someone you BARELY know. There are no bases for the feelings to linger for a long time.

I'm pretty sure I never used "LOVE" in any of my entries about him... Pardon my harsh honesty but I know it was never love. You may not have noticed it but I was really careful in describing how I felt about him. Just because I said I fell for him doesn't mean I fell in love with him... That's why I always end in "fall." I was never in love. It was just a strong, unexplainable attraction... Which started with that thing he wears which looked like something Jared Leto wore. Ha! A shallow reason which led to deep dive.

A quotation posted by one of my Facebook contacts.
Waiting was my optimistic move.
It's time to move on now, though.

I'm letting this go... This feeling... I'm letting it go... For real, this time.

I'm thankful because I was introduced to that bright smile.

I'm thankful for the way he made me feel because, for the first time, I felt like I was an option.

I'm thankful because I've never learned so many lessons from one experience.

I am thankful.

From this point on, The Chosen One will be just like the other person I mentioned in this entry. He will just be a reference... A future reference which will, hopefully, help me to commit less mistakes.

No more curtain calls.

No more encores.

This is The Chosen One's final bow.

The Twist and Its Aftermath

Last night... Wow... Quite a reveal, huh? I know not a lot of people know about my blog but if you, yes, you, the reader, have a read some of my posts before, you'd be surprised that the last entry wasn't about The Chosen One. Yup... That was a curve ball...

I was browsing through my posts and I came upon "All Boxed Up." By the end of the first paragraph, I mentioned something about "shifting my attention to someone else." Well... Guess what? Last night's post is the very first post about that "someone else." And, unfortunately, things ended even before they began.

Well, things have begun a while back... Waaaaay back... I just haven't spoken about it... I mean, I just haven't blogged about it. I've told a few close friends but they were against it. Like I said last night, they already warned me about it. I should've taken that warning seriously... Lesson learned...

A friend of mine came to me last night right after reading my post. I was, actually, surprised because I was ready to end the day with the weight of the situation still on my shoulders. THANK GOD she knocked on my door, really hard, as if there was some kind of emergency. She even called out, "Jared!" (She calls me "Jared's girl" because I have a massive crush on Jared Leto.) Haha! Leave it to my friend to make a serious matter become a little less serious. We talked in the darkness of the study area, the perfect ambiance to tell her my untold truth. She, too, was surprised when I told her who the person was. She had another person in mind... So... See? CURVE BALL! I don't think anybody saw this one coming. I guess that's the outcome of keeping mum on something for once.

I'm feeling better now... A lot better... I've been feeling better since my friend and had that talk last night. I guess I just needed to let it all out for me to be able to let it go and accept the fact that I've been foolish... Yet again. Yes, I blame myself for this one... Well, I think I've been blaming myself for all my heartaches lately because I know I should've known better. Yes, I should known better... Like my trusted friends/life advisers did.

Last Friday, I had a nice talk with another friend of mine about matters of the heart over breakfast. She told me something that I was too afraid to accept... "Heartaches are inevitable. You really need to go through all that and endure them." In my mind, I was, like, "NOOOOO!!!" But I knew that was true. She also told me that there's a possibility that I could also lose people in the process but it all depends on the situation. Getting hurt and losing people... Those are the things I'm most afraid of when it comes to liking/loving someone. But, I guess it's really part of life. The sad part of life. I guess I thought I've been wearing this armor to keep myself from getting hurt when, all this time, it really couldn't protect me.

So... This person... I don't think I'll ever write about him again... I'll still continue that journal but I won't be writing about him here... This is the last time you'll ever read about him and how I felt about him. THIS was a slip up... THIS was a fluke... And THIS just proves why The Chosen One is STILL The Chosen One...

The Twist and Its Heartbreak

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while now... But something else has been keeping me busy... That SOMETHING was the one I was supposed to write about. Yes, THIS entry will be about it... But there will be something more... Something that could potentially lead to the sudden end of what I've been doing lately.

Yes... I love to blog... I've been blogging for years now. I think I started on Friendster. I forgot what feature that was but that's when I started making my thoughts public. Before that, it was the good old journal writing... "Diary" as some would call it. I had a few of them when I was a kid. Not every one of them's filled, though. I start then I get tired because my hands just can't seem to keep up with my thoughts. Maybe that's why I started blogging. It's just faster to type than to write. Not an excuse to make my thoughts public, though, but still... Typing... And it made sure that what I've written's saved... FOREVER... Well, that was until Friendster went into this transition phase and stopped being the social site we came to know and love. Goodbye, photos... Goodbye, blog... Forever in my memories, though.

Now, THIS. My Blogger site. So far, I've written about 2 things here: my [sad] academic life, and my so-called love life... And under the latter, I've introduced 2 people... "The Other Guy" and "The Chosen One." I've recently added something to my site which showed the frequency of labels I've used. TCO topped the charts. But, of course, most of the time, I've talked about the crashes and the burns of my TCO experience.

Last week, I've decided to go old school. I've started journal writing again. That's what's keeping my busy these days. Well, I'm only a few days into it and I feel like I've already lost momentum. One thing I've noticed about my current journal is I only write when I'm either not in the mood to study or when I find my mind wandering off, thinking about the reason why I started it. I've been pretty busy with school and other stuff over the weekend so I haven't written anything since then.

The reason why I went old school is I've come to a point where I want things to be private... At least for the time being. This one's so private, nobody else knows about this... (Until now.) I wanted something tangible, something I could have with me all the time just in case something pops into my mind and I needed a quick release... And I wanted something I could hand down to the person I'm writing about.

I gave the journal a title. A title that, at first glance, seems innocent... But it has a meaning which I don't plan to get into details here... The journal's content is, somehow, unlike the other journals and blogs I've had before. This time, you'd easily recognize the people involved because there are names. Yes, no more codes, no more hashtags... Although, I still hashtagged TCO. I dropped the cryptic nature of my writing more than a couple of notches. I've made it easily relatable to the people who know me. I mean, I do not intend to make it public. Like I said, it's private. I just made it easy for the one who will read it easy to understand.

Yes, I started it with the intention of giving it to the person involved. It's my untold truth. Nobody knows about it. Not even my most trusted friends/life advisers. This truth was something I wanted to keep to myself for a change. I wanted to see if I can handle it on my own. But, tonight proved that I wasn't strong enough to do it alone.

My friends/life advisers have warned me about this. I listened... I did... Believe me... I was doing fine until, more or less, a couple of weeks ago when things started up again. I was, like, "Wow... Nice timing..." I didn't want to fall for anything because I kept reminding myself of what my friends told me. I wanted to just go with the flow. But... I was just too weak. I didn't want to show and/or tell anybody that I've given in because they've already given me the cons if I get myself in a situation involving him. This was definitely a moment of weakness. I guess I was also testing myself how far I can go with this, how long this would last, and if it would end the way I want things to end for once.

This afternoon, I found out that I can never go further with this. I learned the news from a friend of mine when I was telling a story about him. In the middle of that story, she dropped the news. Then, my heart dropped. Everything just started dropping. I was trying to confirm what I heard, asking her, trying to fish more information without being obvious. I laughed... I was laughing with a broken heart. Can you imagine how hard that was? I feel like I deserve an award for that level of acting.

After spending a few more hours with them (I had to. I was too devastated to be alone.), I finally decided to break my silence. I told my guy friend/life adviser about it (Thank God he was online!) because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I needed something... Words of comfort, advice, a wake up call, a slap on the face, ANYTHING! Again, he went back to what he's been telling me from the very beginning. CONTROL. "Control your emotions. Don't let it take over you." That's what he said. And I agree... A thousand percent! I get myself into this deep hell hole when I lose control. I just can't help it, sometimes. I crave for that feeling too much that I forget the consequences. Is there anything wrong with that? But I think, no, I know where he's getting at. If I don't want the heartache, control everything. And never lose it! Another lesson learned the hard way, huh?

I'm not crying over it, though. I don't think I will. Maybe because this time, I've prepared myself for the worse. The problem is I also set myself up for another heartbreak. I made myself open to all possibilities because, somehow, I already knew what I was getting myself into. As in, full knowledge of what the situation could end up being. I've been warned and yet I chose to take the path anyway. Yup, my bad... I may not be crying but I do feel like I'm having a hard time breathing... A heartbreak is still a heartache, you know.

I'm not sure if I'll stop writing that journal. Besides, it has a purpose. I want to give it a chance to serve its purpose (not like that unopened present...) . Not now, though. And I hope not in the near future. I've stated my reason as to why I started that journal somewhere in its pages. A morbid thought, though... But you'll never know. I just think the person deserves to know what's been going on and how he's making me feel. Like I said, the untold truth... And the truth is...

The journal is NOT about The Chosen One.

Almost Out of Hiding: My One-Way Conversation With The Chosen One

Hi...

So... Before anything else... Here are some things I want you to know about my current status:

1. The prelims was this week... And I took my last exam today... With that being said, I am sleep-deprived.
2. Based on my iPad, it's already 10:24 in the evening... I've been awake since around the same time last night. Between last night and this moment, I've had two 15-minute naps. Not enough...

I wanted you to know those premises for you to understand that I am running on pure emotional high... I think. That is where I'm getting all this energy to say the following to you. Maybe all this won't make much sense but I just had to let them all out. Some things just have to be said...

So, why am I on an emotional high? Well, I saw this thing you posted... About choices... Funny you should post that because I've "hashtagged" you (my modern way of saying I've given you a code name... SO high school, right?) as "The Chosen One." Why that? Well, I think I've explained it before on a previous entry but maybe you'll find out as we go on in this conversation.

Going back... About that post... I have to say... My heart got crushed. If I was alone in the room when I saw it, I could've cried... Really... 

I don't want to assume anything but based on observation, guys rarely share those kinds of posts. The guys I know, at least. They rarely share emotional stuff, unless that emotion is funny. But you... I've noticed that you've been posting similar "shot-through-the-heart" stuff lately. I can't help but think that someone's making you feel something... Love? Heartbroken? I don't know... But that's how I've been perceiving things. I know you don't like that serious stuff so there's a possibility that you posted it just for the sake of sharing that oh-my-gosh punchline. But there's that other possibility that you really ARE serious about it. So... My heart aches because I know what it's like to have unreciprocated feelings. I've been through stuff like that almost my whole life. And it hurts. It's the same kind of pain inflicted by different people. It's torture. It's almost masochistic even. But we choose to go through it just to feel that certain kind of happiness no other person could give you. Just like what you said... #feels...

As soon as I saw that, I tweeted something... I had to... This is what I posted:

"If you're somebody's second choice, well... Let me tell you now...

YOU ARE MY FIRST... ❤️

#TheChosenOne"

Yes... You are... You deserve to know that. Even if the one you like (if not love) is making you feel like you're her second option, I want you to know that YOU are on top of my list. You are my first choice. YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE.

I may not have the valid reasons why you are... But, sometimes, these things need not be explained. They just need to be felt. I've said this before and I'll say it again... I have no clue why you make me feel this way... I just do...

You need to know that you have become someone's first choice... Because I've felt how it is to be nobody's. But, honestly, there was a time when you made me feel that I was yours... If not the first choice, at least I felt like I was an option... YOUR option... Call me assuming, call me imaginative, call me whatever you want but YES. That's how I felt. That's how you made me feel... Until now, I can't help but look back on why we suddenly felt like we never had those moments. I know there were only a few... But they were truly significant to me.

So there... That's out... I guess in life, we will always feel like we're only just an option to our first choice... But we're so wrapped up in that sad fact, we've become blind to the possibility that we could be somebody else's first choice... To that reality that we've already become somebody else's first choice. And that is the point of all this... I want to open your eyes to the fact that you are, indeed, #TheChosenOne... MY chosen one... You didn't have to do anything... You didn't have to say anything... Without rhyme or reason and without you even realizing it, I chose YOU. I'm not saying that in the hopes of you eventually having the same feelings for me (though, that won't be so bad). I'm only saying that so that you won't feel bad about being "the second choice."

You don't deserve rank number 2... In my eyes, you will NEVER be number 2...

Sorry... Sorry if I had to say these things here. I'm not brave enough to say it to you. I already had that experience once and that moment was just too hard. I can never say things like these with a straight face. And I don't think I would want you to see me with my shield down. This is the only way, I think, I can tell you the things that should be said without a sniff or a tear being in the way... Sorry...

Oh, by the way... Thank you for smiling at me the other day. It made walking under the bright, hot sun worth it.

My Broken Self-Belief

I made the same mistake twice today... It's frustrating... Especially when you're trying to redeem yourself... I wish I could scream out loud... But I guess this is why I'm writing at this moment... This is how I'll do it, instead...

I've lost faith in myself...

I've come to that realization sometime in the middle of this journey... My med school journey... I've fallen so many times on this path, and the fall just gets harder and more painful each time. But today was such an affirmation. Like I said, I made the same mistake twice today... It's like I've lost trust in what I know too much... And THAT kept leading me into committing more mistakes. Yes... This journey made me into such a broken person... 

Lesson of the Day:

FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!

Today, I may have affirmed the fact that I don't believe in myself anymore... BUT... 

IT ALL ENDS TODAY!!!

I will stop trusting what other people say.

I will stop doubting what I know.

I will start relying on ME, MYSELF and I...!

Okay... That's it... I'll stop screaming now...

The Way You Look At Me

DISCLAIMER: Do not be fooled by the title of this entry...

That phrase usually signifies something sweet... It might even remind you of local artist Christian Bautista's first hit record... Yes, it's a good song. Yes, it's a love song.

But NOT in my case...

By this time you already know that if I write something, there are things that MUST be said. And today's just one of those days that just triggered me to do so. I'm actually in the middle of studying Cardiology but my mind just can't stop thinking about what happened today. Though my day started out pretty well because I got to saw this guy (who my friends are rooting for), the events as the day progressed got me feeling giddy, disappointed, frustrated and paranoid (yet again) all at the same time.

I was about to finish another blog entry about today when I realized... I need not go into details... Which was pretty much what that other entry had... What I really want is to just get these feelings off my chest so that I could get back to what I should be doing...

WHAT THE HECK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I do not mean that in an argumentative, yes-I-am-angry sort of way. I'm not mad... I don't even want to argue. I just want to know what happened... I tweeted this moments before starting this entry:

"You look at me as if you didn't start our first conversation... As if I didn't give you what you asked of me... As if we were strangers..."

Is that what we've become? STRANGERS? I mean, The Chosen One and I were never close, I know... But with the very few encounters (a couple, to be exact) we had since I got back in school, I've been getting this vibe like we were never classmates for a whole year, like he never drank the water I was drinking during our Christmas party just so he could give me a swig of his beer, like we didn't have our own moment a few minutes before a major exam... Like he never knew me...

COME ON, MAN!

What happened? Was I the only one keeping track last December? Because, honestly, I felt like I was the only one... Okay, let's not count my friends here... But... That was my month with him...

DECEMBER WAS MY MONTH WITH YOU...

I'm still not mad... Seriously, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out why he looked at me that way at lunch... It was somewhere in between a sharp gaze and a blank stare. So damn cold... It pierced right through me as if its only purpose was to make me bleed... And then this afternoon, why can't he look at me when I asked him something? Yes, I get that my friend started the conversation but, excuse me, I was also there.

Looking back at those encounters, I can't help but conclude that he has read my previous entries and that he's mad at me for telling the truth. Sometimes I wish we could bump into each when we're both alone just to see if he'd say something... But from how I see things right now, I feel like he won't.

Yes, I felt giddy after seeing him today... I was so giddy that I posted that as my Facebook status as soon as I got back here in my dorm room. But after more than an hour of sleep, that feeling went away as if my senses were knocked right back into me and all that was left was nothing but unanswered questions.

To TCO... Again, if you stumble upon this... PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME... I know you don't like the serious stuff but I'm hoping you could make an exception... Even if I know I don't deserve being your exception. It's not that I'm getting tired of wondering what happened. I just want to start a friendship with you, if that's possible. Based on the few conversations we've had, I know we could be good friends. I think I've said that before in my letter addressed to you... And deserves to be said again. The friendship is a possibility... It's what I'm hoping for...

You are in control... Since the beginning... It has never left your hands...

One Hello From Paranoia

Writing that previous post, I thought I'd be ready for what might happen just in case he reads it...

I thought wrong...

This afternoon... A friend of mine and I were walking outside the school, talking about him... The Chosen One... My friend was telling me that she preferred The Other Guy (to refresh your memory, I'm referring to the barista) because she thought he looked better than TCO. I told her I already forgot about him since he already made his "in-a-relationship" status official on Facebook and I felt like I had no future with him since he's WAY younger than me. But my friend kept on insisting, defending her side with the "looks" argument. Of course, I defended TCO. But just before the words escaped my mouth...

Lo and behold!

From afar... A few meters from us... Crossing the street... There he was... I suddenly felt my chest tightening with this burning and aching sensation as if all the air escaped out of my lungs... I quickly started thinking, "Oh my gosh... I've pictured this scenario in my head many times since classes started... This is it...!" Another student was walking in front of us so he blocked him from my view as he reached our side of the street but when he passed by that student... I looked at him and gave him a smile and a wave hello. He said, or more like what I heard from him was, "Aix..." He waved but he didn't smile.

I think it took a few steps from that moment before I was able to take a deep breath... I didn't know what to think of that encounter, whether I should be ecstatic or be disappointed... Well, being emotionally chaotic, I felt both... I was ecstatic that I was able to say (or wave) hello to him... But disappointed at how he greeted me... I've greeted quite a number of our former classmates before and they all didn't hold their smiles back. But him... Wow... And that's when I started thinking...

Did he read my blog?

Having a mind prone to overthinking things, it's natural for me to become paranoid... I just might be jumping to conclusions that he DID read it... But getting that reaction from him just led me to assume he did. My friend and I did nothing but talk about that encounter when we got to this cafe we were headed to when we saw him. I told her that he might be thinking, "The nerve of this girl to greet me after what she wrote about me!" Maybe he just acknowledged me because I greeted him first and he felt obliged to say hello back at me. Is that it? Is that what he did? Oh... No...

My friend asked me about the last blog I posted so I let her read it just so I could get her opinion... What if he read it? How would he feel? Will he be mad? Will he be sad? Will he feeling nothing? Will it boost his ego? After she read it, she told me that if she was him, she'd feel like she's at a loss not being able to know that I had those feelings... I wanted to believe her... But then again, she's my friend...

If I were true to my words, this post would never exist... But when it comes to matters of the heart, I can't seem to keep the promises I make to myself.... So, the last post about him? That's my bullsh*t... I'm not yet over... This will never be over... And I don't know when all THIS will finally be over...

Oh, by the way... That moment when I was about to defend TCO's looks to my friend? What I was about to tell her was...

I love his smile...

All Boxed Up

2nd of June 2014, 23:18H

This is long overdue. I've been wanting to write this... My supposed final post about The Chosen One... I guess my mind wandered off, trying to move on from my tragic fall. I intentionally kept my mind off things that could remind me of my failure... Including him. I, somehow, succeeded. I drowned myself in things I wanted to do in the time I was given. I even shifted my attention onto somebody else... But that's another story to tell...

A few weeks into my summer vacation, I dropped by the school to give presents from our family R&R to a couple of my friends. But that wasn't the only reason... There's an unopened gift left in my locker. It's been there since the beginning of the year. At that time, two and a half months have already passed... It's high time I got it out of there. 

A reminder of what was never expressed.

After catching up with my friends, I went to my locker to get that gift. As I opened the door, it was, like, things started spilling over... I guess they're more like feelings... Feelings I let out but was forced to push back in because I was led to believe that they were worth letting go of. I stared at the box for a couple of seconds thinking, "This is it. This gift will never serve its purpose."

It's a sad thought, really. Gifts are meant to be opened so that the receiver could feel how special he/she is to the giver. They're supposed to give happiness to both of them. But since the present remained tied up, all those feelings will also stay in there all boxed up... Just like the feelings I felt (and, maybe, still feeling) for him.

I'm holding back tears as I write this, listening to the artist he recommended (which I also used as an excuse, a very lame one, to get a conversation going over the Christmas break... Such a failure, though.) It's torture... But I guess when it comes to these things, I can't help but let myself feel the sadness, the hurt, the disappointment as intense as possible so that, in one fell swoop, I can move on without JUST SAYING I can move on.

Now... The night of the first day back in school... I was trying hard NOT to write this because I know I have to focus on my academics... But I just can't help but think about what I thought of last night...

"There's a chance I might see him tomorrow."

He's already a semester ahead of me... But I remembered my brother telling us what rotation comes after what... So, in a non-"stalker" kind of way, I knew what rotation he's in now. Walking to school this afternoon, I was feeling a bit jittery... That's where my jitters came from... Not because it was the first day but because of the thought that I might see him... As I entered the building, I took a chance and decided to pass by the area where he might be staying, where I might see him. But I kept my eyes steady. I didn't look around. I was thinking, "If I see him even if I wasn't looking, then fine. If not, then it's fine, too." The latter happened, though. 

I was a bit disappointed, to be quite honest. Of course, I wanted to see him. It's been more than three months. Seeing him in photos posted by a former batchmate of mine who happened to be his groupmate wasn't enough. Seeing how he was doing through his own posts on this certain site (NOT Facebook... We're not Facebook friends... Yes, that's a clue.) wasn't enough. And because I wasn't able to see him this afternoon, I suddenly had the urge to check his account tonight especially since I haven't seen any of his posts lately. He had a few since his last post that I saw. But even that, giving in, indulging myself into something I was trying hard not to do, wasn't enough. That was the last straw. I already lost focus on what I was studying... Thus... This post. I had to let this all out... And after months of not being able to find the right words to write, they all came crashing down on me on that single moment of indulgence.

I told myself that I wanted to start this semester on a clean slate because I badly need to keep focused on my studies. That's what I plan to do. I don't think I'm failing at that plan. Maybe that slate is a new one... And I still have the old one in hand, stained by the past.

I'd like to close this chapter now... I'd like to take that final bow... I'd like to think this is the purpose of this post... I'm just not sure if I'll be able to keep my word. Tonight's sudden gush of emotions felt like an admonition. Come to think of it, not all endings are true endings... Some have cliffhangers... I'm not a fan of them, though. I don't like hanging onto something, not knowing what could lie ahead of me. But I guess it's time to get used to it. Maybe in the long run, I could forget how it feels to be left hanging.

I've said this a few times before... My friend/life adviser told me that he can easily pick things up... So, TO YOU... Just in case you decided to read what I have posted (nope, I'm not going to say "just in case you STUMBLE upon this..." since I posted this on every social networking account I have), this is what's going on in my head. That's what happened... THIS is how you made me feel... Whether you decide to take pride or take offense in what I've said, it's all up to you. I'm not starting any drama. I'm just telling the truth... The truth about how you made me feel.

I'm sorry...

Thank you...

Though the gift remains unopened, I guess my feelings aren't all boxed up anymore, huh? 

Mark This Day

I was at the dorm today... Again... I got more stuff, the important ones, that might help me recover from my situation... YES... I have decided that TODAY would be the first day of me moving on from what happened.

While waiting at the dorm, I was able to finish another blog entry... I wrote something about what happened while I was there... Something that made my heart quite happy... I wrote down almost every detail of what transpired while everything was still fresh. A few minutes after posting that entry, I removed it. It was supposed to be the very first post about this certain person. I, actually, felt bad after taking that post down because, being the sentimental person that I am, it was a "milestone" post. But I guess I still wasn't ready to post something about him... And after reading that post, I knew he deserved better writing than what I came up with.

Where am I getting at here? Well, I guess you could say that what happened this afternoon made me realize that I should just focus on the good stuff to negate the bad ones. The following is an excerpt from the post I took down:

'The dorm... My school's vicinity... I just recently referred to this area as "ground zero" but I'd like to give new meaning to that label now... GROUND ZERO... The place where EVERYTHING happens. Yes... Everything... From the good times to the not-so-good times... But since I feel like I'm on the road to recovery, let's do "the good times." '

I'm gradually getting my groove back... Slowly going back to the old me... The me who sees things in a positive light... Yes, I might still feel that pinch... It's still inescapable at this point. But I guess the entry I wrote last night was the final release of the remnants. Plus, people seemed to have more positive words for me after they read what I shared which gave me a boost. Again, I heartily thank them for lifting my spirits.

This is it... There's no turning back... If ever I do turn back, I might actually be far along the road to my recovery... I'm excited... I look forward to the day I'll be back to my old self again.

By the way, the original "Mark This Day" entry is saved as a draft... But it might never see the light of day... Whatever happened today will forever be a mystery...

The Dust Is Yet To Settle

I went back to the dorm this morning to get some stuff. I always looked forward to the ride going there... It gave me time to do nothing but think... About random stuff... But this time, all I could think about was the upcoming post promotion board removal exams... Which I won't be taking... Which I wished I will be taking... It seemed like every thing I saw reminded me of my situation and how I wished it was different. The whole trip (well, almost) I kept thinking, "I wish I was studying for something right now."

Yesterday, out of impulse, I went to the Starbucks store where my some of my friends were studying for the post promo exam. It was the first time I saw them since my "disastrous downfall." It was really nice to see them... It's always nice to be with people who know and understand what you're going through... What I'm going through... What was supposed to be a quick visit turned into hours of chat and advice-giving (NOT academically-related advice, though). Gosh... I missed having carefree conversations...

So this morning when my bus passed by the street where that Starbucks store was, I wondered, "Are they studying there right now?" I wished I could see them again but I know I'd be bothering them so I resisted the urge to ask where they were. As the ride went on, it passed by another Starbucks store along the highway... I looked and tried to see if it was full or if there are any students studying there. My mind's really fixed on the upcoming exam... Then... One thought entered my mind... "I wish I was numb."

As I got off the bus, I started becoming conscious of my surroundings, especially when I started seeing students from my school... It's like one big affirmation... I am here... I am back...

When I got to the dorm, I didn't go straight to my room. I stopped by the laundry shop to pick up my clothes and pay for their service. I saw my uniforms hanging on the rack... There were three sets... One for each pre promotion board removal exam I took. I looked at them and started thinking of them differently... They were my armors during last week's battle. The blood has been washed off but the memory remains... I got defeated... I looked away after realizing I was going down that familiar slump again. I, somehow, regained my happiness after spending some time with my friends yesterday that I didn't want to go back to feeling down again... I had to fight the feeling... But it was just hard to fight it being at ground zero.

After getting the stuff I needed, I immediately left the dorm, not because I didn't want to be seen by my other friends who were still within the vicinity but because being there still gives me that tinge of pain. It's still fresh... But I have to face it... It's my reality... THIS is my new reality. Though it hurts, I have to deal with it. I've made my bed and now I have to lay in it...

"The harder I fall, the STRONGER I become."

I posted that last week on my Facebook page. Now, as I look back, I feel like saying to myself, "Ha! Talksh*t!" I don't feel strong at all... But this is what I want to believe... Maybe I'm not yet strong because I'm still recovering, trying to heal the wounds from my defeat. Maybe after this resting phase, that's when I'll be back... That's when I'll come out... Stronger than ever.

Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul

22nd of February 2014

I just came from a war... That was quite a war I fought. What was supposed to be only a week-long battle extended into two... Today was the last day... Some came out of it feeling like there's still hope... I, on the other hand, came out badly burnt, bruised, bloody and everything else in between, with no hope for me to hold on to...

I LOST...

I might be calling this too early but somehow, I've lost the will to hope for the best. Looking back, I knew this was going to be quite a semester. I was afraid of this semester... Because this semester last year was when I got held back. For the second time. I guess I was dismissing that feeling the whole time. I wanted to change my fate. But I kept giving in to what I wanted to do instead of doing what I needed to do. I have no one else to blame but myself. So... I am here... Again... Déjà vu... The one I didn't want to have...

"The time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted."

I think I saw that quotation posted on my news feed by one of the pages I'm following on Facebook. Now that I'm at THIS point, I know I've wasted a lot of time... BUT I don't regret a single minute of my "wasted time". I spent them all with the people I want to be with, and doing things I never got to do when I was at the age when I was supposed to do them... I remember telling a friend of mine a couple of days ago, "My social life improved but my academic life suffered." Now, THAT'S the downside of it all... Whoops! Stop imagining nights out with friends and doing stuff I don't normally do... When I say "social life", I meant my world got a little bit bigger this semester. I had a lot of time on my hands and I took advantage of it in a different way... I met new people... Started doing THIS, blogging, once again, adding more entries here and starting a new blog inspired by "The Other Guy"... And, the one that affected me the most, "The Chosen One". I'm not placing blame on anyone, just to clarify things... It's still ME who has the problem. I guess my Instagram account would be the perfect reflection of what happened to me these past few months. I admit it... I LOST FOCUS... And it was already too late when I realized it. 

A couple of days before the week of our final exam, I was ranting to my friends because someone said some things to me that really got me down and made me feel like they've lost their faith in me. Then my really good friend/life adviser said something that really hit me hard, "I'm going to ask you this, Aix. What's the problem? Are you really doing and giving your best?" Just like that, he snapped me back to reality. Am I really doing my best? I did a quick flashback on my academic life. I never really did my best on anything but, somehow, and I say this with modesty, things just kept falling where they're supposed to... Until I entered med school. Four years into this and I feel like I'm still adjusting... It's so weird... I guess this is the consequence of NEVER having study habits.

My friend made me realize that I haven't been doing my best at all... I knew I wasn't pushing as hard as the others despite the fact that the competition was fierce. I was afraid I'd get burned out so early in the semester. It happened to me once during my 2nd semester in 2nd year. That time, I already got held back for one semester. I knew I had to hustle so I did. I thought I wasn't going to last. In the end, I took only one removal exam... 

I knew what I had to do... I told myself that I'd do what I did that semester in the succeeding ones... I knew I had to go through all that sacrifice again... Because I knew what the outcome would be... But I didn't do it. I easily gave in to my distractions and kept my mind busy with other things that shouldn't have taken up space in my head. Like I said, it's too late... And now I can't do anything about it.

I guess the only positive thing I can take from this heartbreaking situation is the overwhelming support I got/I've been getting from my friends. I told myself I won't cry over what happened to me because I knew I'd lose my strength, physically and mentally, if I did. I stayed strong. But on the first day of the pre-promotion board exam week, I posted something that got an unexpected response. Good thing I saw it after the exam because I broke down... I broke down hard... I knew I had a small chance of passing that exam... I was already believing I was going to fail it because I wanted to get ready for another subject that I had a feeling I was also going to take the removals in... But that post and the people who responded to it made me lose it. From that day onwards, I started losing my strength but it was them that kept me alive... 

As the week went on, I started realizing even more how lucky I am to have found people who knew what to say or do to keep me going. I just became friends with a group from the upper batch and, I must say, they just took my breath away. I felt a bit uneasy when I ran to them for comfort but they welcomed me with open arms. The kind of support they gave me when I'd already let go gave me that push to finish my tumultuous race. I am amazed... I am blessed...

Now that the end has come, I know I've taken a lot from the past semester. One sure thing is to not give in to my distractions... I know I might slip once or twice but I should give more time on what I should be doing. I am student. I am a medical student. I should be studying medicine. Like one of my good friends told me (and wrote down), "Eyes on the prize. Focus on your mark." There's an inside joke there but the idea coincides with what I should do to achieve the goal. Yes, FOCUS...! I'll make sure I won't lose it this time.

Lastly... To all the people who showed their concern, and made me feel that I am truly cared for and that I am in their thoughts and prayers... You know who you are... First, I want to apologize if ever I've disappointed you for not making it. If I made you feel like your support went nowhere, I want you to know that it didn't. It helped me finish my battle when I've got no fight left in me. With that said... Words cannot express how truly thankful I am. You might think I'm being overly dramatic but for someone like me who's going through a really tough time, one simple act of support means the world to me. Thank you... Thank you... My heart is swelling with gratitude. Though I feel like my world is shattering, I've never felt so lucky and so loved. I thank God for every single one of you. Thank you. Thank you. You saved me in ways you cannot imagine.

The next few months are going to be rough... Recovering from what I've been through might take a while but I need to start somewhere... I'm going to take every single thing I've learned from the past few months to build my game plan. I'll make sure it'll work this time.

I'll see you guys on October 2014...

Relieved...

I can't believe I'm about to admit this, much less say this but... I miss him... The other guy... I'll call him BB from now on... BB... My go-to guy when I'm frustrated with TCO. Yesterday, I found ways to cope with my missing him:

1. I wrote an entry.
2. I sent him a message.
3. I watched our videos.
4. I checked his Facebook page after a few days of not checking it.
5. I uploaded a 15-second video of one of our videos on Instagram. - This one, I'm kind of worried about because he has no idea it's already out. He kind of told me before that he wanted to perfect it first before making it public. Sorry but I just couldn't hold it in much longer. It needed to be shared... At least 15 seconds out of the 5-minute video.

So... I did all that... I actually ended my day knowing how to play the song on that video because I was a little scared that we won't be able to meet again to finish it... The longing was still there but it gave me some kind of feeling of accomplishment... Maybe I could this whole thing without him... I fell sleep around past 2 in the morning.

My phone (I use it as my alarm) went off at 5:45 AM. Since it was the weekend, though I knew I had to get up and start studying, I decided to go back to sleep. Before doing that, I checked my phone... I have a message... And to my surprise, it's from him...! He sent it at 4:26 AM... I didn't open it so that I'd know I have an unread message. But... WOW...!!! Did I exude that strong of an energy? I feel like he felt how much I miss him... So he finally broke the silence...

I'm SO close to actually admitting I need him... Well, okay... I need him... To fill the void... I hate to admit that but it's true. Some people might think I'm using him... But, again, I'm not... I like him... I do... I liked him before TCO came along. It's just that there are certain points swaying me towards TCO. But since TCO's going dormant, I think BB deserves to get my attention... Again...

He wanted to do a jam session. That's what he told me in the message. I read it when I woke up, fully aware of what's happening... I looked at the time when he sent the message. I'm like, "WHAT?!? Why is he up THAT early? Did he just get off from work? Did he come from somewhere and 'drunk-texted' me?" Well, I know the drunk-text is impossible because an invite for a jam session won't be the content of that kind of a message. (Haha!) But, honestly, every time he suddenly texts me to do a jam session, I do feel like it's safe version of a booty call. I guess it's in the way he texts me. He usually wants to do it ASAP as if I will call his invite right then and there. Who am I to complain, though? At least I have someone to do stuff like this now.

Anyway, I replied a few hours after he sent the message. I didn't get a reply right away though. I sent my message this morning and got a reply just tonight because I sent him another message asking if he got annoyed with my previous text. He just laughed, told me he just got off from work and we started our exchange.

He really DID want to do our thing tonight! He asked me where I was and if I was busy tonight because he already had his guitar with him. I told him I wasn't at the dorm. My gosh! Maybe if I told him to go where I am right now, he'd probably be at my doorstep tonight. I imagined that... I let out a giddy laugh... It felt good...

Unfortunately, as much as I would want to do our thing and to see him and to spend time with him, I can't... I'm preparing for the finals... I wish I could really squeeze in some time with him, though... I miss him... Yes, I really do...

Well, now... At least I know he's still there... I guess he was never really gone... He never really left...

Thank God... He's back... I'm going to be more careful with him this time... 

I Am By Myself

Just as I was finishing the last case in our Gynecology manual, I found my mind wandering... Well, wandering and imagining... I can't help thinking about THEM... The two guys...

I let go of one and I lost two...

Yes, I seemed to have lost them both... I've been wanting to say that out loud for the last few days... Reality is REALLY staring to kick in and I'm not liking it, so far.

I've already said before that I've made my choice. What I didn't know was that I shouldn't have done anything to show that I already have. My friends told me that I should have kept that other one at bay because the one I chose was not a sure thing... Well, I know that now... Some lessons are actually meant to be learned the hard way, I guess.

Losing the other one isn't THAT big of deal for me. It's just that I get this feeling once in a while... It's a strange feeling... He was always there and he let me know that he was always there. Despite the circumstances that tell us nothing more can happen between us, I had him, I had someone who to project all these pent-up feelings for "The Chosen One" to. Yes, it sounds and looks like I'm using him because I can't have the one that I really want. But I like this other guy, too. And I'm really glad that I get (ahem, GOT) to spend a lot of time with him. More time than with the person I truly want. But NOW... He's gone... Radio silence... I have no idea why. Maybe because we're both busy? Yes, I keep telling myself that... But he was busier last season. Maybe he got fed up with my excuses when he wants to do something. They're valid excuses, though. Academics... Always a valid reason...

It's Chinese New Year... I sent him a message... He's Chinese, you know. I asked him for some traditional Chinese New Year treat... I have no idea if he'll reply, much less, read the message... We'll see in a few days...

Now, to "THE CHOSEN ONE." I'd like to refer to him now as that... "TCO" to save some time in writing. Yes, I chose him in the hope that he already chose me... I guess my friends and I misread the signals... I misread the signals... Damned the signals! Why couldn't they be clearer? Or maybe the problem was with the one seeing them... ME...

I lost him, too... I don't know who's to blame for this one, though... It was because of that one conversation we had during the first week back in school after the Christmas break. We were okay on the first day. He was actually my very first conversation of the day. It was even a pretty nice exchange. Then a couple of days later, that fateful conversation happened. It seemed as if he was telling me that we're not fit for each other... Or maybe I was the only one thinking that. He seemed so confident about who he is and what he wants in life. He said he's an explorer and adventurer... But from that conversation and how he said some things in that conversation, it seemed like he wasn't. I'm not one to look for problems when there isn't any but THAT talk presented me with a platter. I don't mind him being the way he is... I am more than willing to compromise (if ever he and I become "us"). I just can't help but think that he might not be able to accept me for who I am. I don't want to judge his whole being solely based on that conversation but I really can't help myself.

What transpired on that certain moment haunts me to this day... I don't let go of things that easy... And that's the reason why things between TCO and I came to a halt. I was looking forward to a friendship, even an awkward one, at least. But every time I see him, I can't help but go back to the things he said. Now, it seems like we're strangers again. Yesterday, he can't even look at me when he joined in on the discussion my friends and I were having after the exam. Why? Why did it come to this? Why did it have to come to this? I hate this...

I know I've got to do something to fix this... I've got one more week left before the finals... A lot of things on my plate now... Besides worrying and trying to find a way to save myself from my academic burden, I have him and my situation with him to salvage...

Now that I'm having problems with TCO, I don't have someone to let all these frustrated feelings out. The other guy's gone, too... I have no one... I'm not going to say, "You'll never know what you've got 'til it's gone." I KNEW WHAT I HAD. I appreciated what I had... That's why it's even harder to face the reality that I lost them...