I let go of one and I lost two...
Yes, I seemed to have lost them both... I've been wanting to say that out loud for the last few days... Reality is REALLY staring to kick in and I'm not liking it, so far.
I've already said before that I've made my choice. What I didn't know was that I shouldn't have done anything to show that I already have. My friends told me that I should have kept that other one at bay because the one I chose was not a sure thing... Well, I know that now... Some lessons are actually meant to be learned the hard way, I guess.
Losing the other one isn't THAT big of deal for me. It's just that I get this feeling once in a while... It's a strange feeling... He was always there and he let me know that he was always there. Despite the circumstances that tell us nothing more can happen between us, I had him, I had someone who to project all these pent-up feelings for "The Chosen One" to. Yes, it sounds and looks like I'm using him because I can't have the one that I really want. But I like this other guy, too. And I'm really glad that I get (ahem, GOT) to spend a lot of time with him. More time than with the person I truly want. But NOW... He's gone... Radio silence... I have no idea why. Maybe because we're both busy? Yes, I keep telling myself that... But he was busier last season. Maybe he got fed up with my excuses when he wants to do something. They're valid excuses, though. Academics... Always a valid reason...
It's Chinese New Year... I sent him a message... He's Chinese, you know. I asked him for some traditional Chinese New Year treat... I have no idea if he'll reply, much less, read the message... We'll see in a few days...
Now, to "THE CHOSEN ONE." I'd like to refer to him now as that... "TCO" to save some time in writing. Yes, I chose him in the hope that he already chose me... I guess my friends and I misread the signals... I misread the signals... Damned the signals! Why couldn't they be clearer? Or maybe the problem was with the one seeing them... ME...
I lost him, too... I don't know who's to blame for this one, though... It was because of that one conversation we had during the first week back in school after the Christmas break. We were okay on the first day. He was actually my very first conversation of the day. It was even a pretty nice exchange. Then a couple of days later, that fateful conversation happened. It seemed as if he was telling me that we're not fit for each other... Or maybe I was the only one thinking that. He seemed so confident about who he is and what he wants in life. He said he's an explorer and adventurer... But from that conversation and how he said some things in that conversation, it seemed like he wasn't. I'm not one to look for problems when there isn't any but THAT talk presented me with a platter. I don't mind him being the way he is... I am more than willing to compromise (if ever he and I become "us"). I just can't help but think that he might not be able to accept me for who I am. I don't want to judge his whole being solely based on that conversation but I really can't help myself.
What transpired on that certain moment haunts me to this day... I don't let go of things that easy... And that's the reason why things between TCO and I came to a halt. I was looking forward to a friendship, even an awkward one, at least. But every time I see him, I can't help but go back to the things he said. Now, it seems like we're strangers again. Yesterday, he can't even look at me when he joined in on the discussion my friends and I were having after the exam. Why? Why did it come to this? Why did it have to come to this? I hate this...
I know I've got to do something to fix this... I've got one more week left before the finals... A lot of things on my plate now... Besides worrying and trying to find a way to save myself from my academic burden, I have him and my situation with him to salvage...
Now that I'm having problems with TCO, I don't have someone to let all these frustrated feelings out. The other guy's gone, too... I have no one... I'm not going to say, "You'll never know what you've got 'til it's gone." I KNEW WHAT I HAD. I appreciated what I had... That's why it's even harder to face the reality that I lost them...
*facepalm* moment
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