...A stranger.Just another face in the crowd. Though he looked a lot like another one of those people in the crowd, I didn't know him. I knew the other person. But not him. He was just "the other guy who looked like my classmate." I had no idea who he is. I rarely pass by him along the halls of our school. He didn't really catch my attention except for when I try to figure out if I was looking at just one person, the same person, or if there were really two persons that looked so much alike. He wasn't exactly a nobody. He just wasn't part of my world... Not yet.
...Just a name.
I forgot exactly when this happened but there came a time when his name started appearing on my Facebook account. Maybe in the "people you may know" part or in the groups where I'm part of. He didn't have a profile photo, not a proper one where his face was seen. His name caught my attention. It was unusual. Strange. My judgmental side showed. I'm sorry. But I got curious... Who is this fellow? I was curious but not enough to actually click on his account to see the face behind the name. So he stayed as he is... Just a name that appeared on my news feed.
...A classmate I never talked to.
It was the semester before my junior internship. OUR junior internship. We were in the same section. The face and the name finally became a person. There he is. But it didn't mean that we became acquainted. He was still a stranger to me. Whether it was by choice or not, we never got the chance to talk to each other. Maybe because I wasn't comfortable with the atmosphere in our class. Maybe because I chose to stay in my comfort zone. Maybe because my mind was somewhere else. We never talked. If we did, even if it was just a simple "hi", I couldn't remember it. I can't even remember if I gave him a quick smile. So strange. We were strangers.
...An unexpected "prime mate".
It was the morning of the first day of enrolment. I made it. I am a junior intern. We both made it. I remember coming up to the queue. Then I saw him. He was seated in one of the chairs in front of the registrar's office with a friend of mine; I can't remember who, though. I also can't remember how it happened but we had our very first conversation that day. He was already enrolled. He got to choose his rotation. His first was in Internal Medicine. I was having problems trying to get in the rotation I wanted; also in Internal Medicine. Small talk. But it was our first. I remember keeping a smile on my face, feeling awkward because I was in the same class with this guy for a semester and this is the first time I'm talking to him. Ugh. I felt awful. He left before lunch. He even told me he was leaving and he bid me goodbye. Then he came back later that afternoon. He asked me how I was doing and told him that the process was taking such a long time, just so I could get into IM. I finished at around 3:00 PM and got in the rotation I wanted. It wasn't until the first day of our clerkship when we found out that we belonged in the same group... The same prime. I felt happy because at least I knew someone. He asked for my number after our orientation with the department just so we could keep in touch with updates regarding our areas and such. Before parting ways, that's when I heard him call me, "prime mate". I didn't hear say it the first time so he had to say it again and we both smiled. I hoped we'd be in the same area. A familiar face could've helped during my first duty. Unfortunately, we weren't. It took a month before I got to see him again. But there was nothing. I mean, I wasn't feeling anything. He was just my "prime mate."
...A quiet person sitting beside me.
The second month of our Internal Medicine rotation was about to end when we had a spontaneous out-of-town trip. It was so spontaneous that I panicked because of what I was wearing when we all got into the car. We were both seated at the back and I was pointing out to him that what we were about to do was SO crazy and that I wasn't dressed appropriately for the trip; I was in my shorts and only had a light cover-up with me. Hello. It was less that 48 hours before December and we were going somewhere cold. At night. We went back to my dorm to change what I was wearing and off we went. In the middle of the trip, a really nice song played. It was so nice that I suddenly felt weird sitting right next to him. So nice that I wished I something equally nice would happen... Seriously. Weird. But, of course, I had to dismiss that idea because of the following reasons: (1) technically, we were on stranger status just 2 months ago; (2) I had no idea what his "status" was, and; (3) I really don't make "moves". Those ideas are always just in my head and never executed. But since the idea was already in my mind, I suddenly felt this kind of tension towards him. I, then, did a quick side glance wondering how he was or what he was doing while the song was playing. He was just looking out the window. Then, a thought... Oh no... "Please don't go there," I told myself. "You're just getting caught up in the moment. Don't let this happen." So I held it back. But I can't deny the fact that I enjoyed the night... Because he seemed to always find his place beside me.
...Just an option.
I talked to a one of my life advisers about him. She wasn't really in favor of the guy I had feelings for that time so when I told her about him, she said, "Uy, ok siya!" (Hey, he's okay!) There's a "but" statement after her remark but I'll talk about it in a while. She was supportive about it because she knew he was a good guy. I knew it, too. But I wasn't over the other guy. He was still my choice over him. She's the only person who knew about this. About him. We talked about him a couple of times. As in twice. With an interval of months. Because I was just so hung up on the other guy. Every time I think about him, I keep doing a pros and cons list in my head and the other guy always wins. I couldn't let go. Until I finally did. Just a few months ago.
..."In a relationship".
I thought he was. Even my friend did. That was her "but" statement. "Isn't he in a relationship with that post-graduate intern?" she asked. Yes, that's what I knew. Until he denied it during our second rotation. People in our prime didn't believe him. But I did. Maybe because I wanted to believe it. I wanted to trust him. For me. For my heart. I never bothered him about it unlike the others who kept teasing him and putting him in the hot seat about it. He always kept quiet. That's why they never believe him. But me? I kept taking his silence as his, "I don't care what you people think. I know the truth and the truth is we're not together." answer. He denied it again the other night, out of nowhere. He said something like, "Why keep pushing something that's never going to happen? If it's just for friendship, then it's just for friendship." He said that with me and another friend of ours in the room. I felt like our friend didn't believe it. But I did. He wouldn't make a statement like that if it wasn't the truth. So, there... He's not in a relationship. He's just stuck with the girl as friends.
But now...
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.
He is not a stranger anymore.
He is the person behind that strange name.
He is one of the people I always want to talk to.
He is the one I always want to be beside me.
He is the only option.
I came to realize all of these things a little over 3 months ago while I was having my rotation outside our base hospital. Our group had dinner after our duty and my friend's boyfriend joined us. Her boyfriend's the one who looked so much like him. When I saw him, I suddenly felt panicked and awkward, and I had no idea why. I never felt like this before when I saw him. He was a former classmate of mine, for goodness sake, and we used to exchange tweets and small talks. Then he opened his mouth and talked. It was so strange. I talked to him, asking him how he was, and while he was talking, I was kind of zoning out. I kept thinking, "Why am I feeling strange? Why am I feeling disappointed?" That's when I knew... Because this person I'm talking to isn't him. The feelings were so overwhelming that I had to say out loud, "It so strange how you're talking and I'm expecting somebody else's voice." Yes, I said that. Because I was expecting to hear HIS voice.
That month was hard for me. I still dismissed the idea because I just thought it was too early for me to fall for another guy when I was still recovering from a heartbreak. But I suddenly couldn't wait to go back to our base hospital. I thought I was just missing being in a comfortable environment. I thought I was just feeling bad not being able to say a proper goodbye to our seniors before they ended their clerkship. Then on the first day back... He entered the room... Turns out, I was just missing him. I missed him quietly sitting beside me. I missed him.
It always surprises me how someone who was insignificant becomes one person's everything. It's not that I'm having any kind of regret but we could've known each other a little longer if only I made an effort to talk to him when we were classmates. Because now that clerkship's down to months before it ends, I am, again, feeling like I'm running out of time. Weird how I found myself in this situation yet again. Always against time. I thought I had more but no... Things change. Things have changed. And these changes, I have a feeling, will have an effect on a life decision. Thus, a familiar thought... I am entertaining this familiar thought because I want to know if my decision will be worth it. If HE will be WORTH it. I don't have enough experience to say if a choice made by solely by the heart will be a good one. I only have one and that is this clerkship. Even if my heart got broken along the way, I can truly say that I have no regrets. But this time... This is not to be taken lightly. This is an even bigger risk. And there's no other way to find out if it's worth it but to take it.
I just don't know if my heart's strong enough to take it.
