One of my good friends from nursing school posted a photo of her and our friend wearing our gradation toga... Along with it was a long caption...
I thought, "Why? It wasn't our friend's birthday?"
Then, my next thought was a horrific one.
"No... No... This is NOT happening...!!!"
I felt like my mind did a quick run-through of my last conversation with that friend of ours. It was the last week of March. He was asking my opinion about his current health condition.
"No... This can't be it..." I thought to myself.
I scrolled past my friend's post to avoid confronting the reality... Then I went back, my heart filled with denial, trying to fool myself that what I was about to face was something I didn't want to accept.
Then I read the caption...
I paused what I was watching...
I tried to let what I read sink in...
I tried to be calm and sane for a moment just so I could take the next step...
I sent a message to my friend who posted that photo. We had a few exchanges but... Not enough... I called her up... We were countries apart but I had to... We were both in shock.
Cerjay's gone...
I told my friend that he told me about what he was going through. The gist, at least... I wanted to give her a clearer picture of what could've happened because she, too, didn't know the details. It was just too quick... Then I texted my mom who called me after I replied to her first text. I choked back tears when I was about to tell her that this friend of mine almost always contacted me if he had health problems. After telling her everything, that pause came... That's when the tears started falling... He was just too good a person to lose... I explained his life situation to my mom to give reason to why I was crying hard. It was difficult... Then my mom told me the best thing I could do... PRAY FOR HIM...
It's been hours since I learned of Cerjay's passing... I've browsed the last conversation we had trying to figure out what happened. Did I tell him what he needed to know? Did I help him enough? I'm not blaming myself on any kind of level or anything but I wish I could've said more. I told him to update me after his check-up... He didn't... Maybe I assumed he got better... Or maybe I got too busy to check up on him myself... I wish I could've done more.
Cerjay's gone... Just like that...
I tried reading our previous conversations... I browsed through some of them realizing that he was the one who always initiated them. He kept our line open. When I tell him to keep in touch, he always did. He always remembered. Always.
I eventually stopped browsing because it was getting hard. Then I sent him my last messages...
"I'm so sorry, Cerjay...
I wish I could've done a lot more..."
He has such a gentle and kind soul. As far as I can remember, I never saw him without a smile nor get angry. He had such a positive outlook in life despite the fact that he was traveling such a rough road. I didn't get to spend enough time with him when we were still classmates but when we did, it was truly QUALITY TIME. I can't remember our first encounter but I remember we had sensible conversations. Something that told me, "Ah... This kid is very smart." What I love about him was his dreams... His aspirations... His were good ones. After all that he's been through, they deserve to come true for him.
But his time got cut short. Something which I still cannot believe...
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| Such a sweet smile exuding from a sweet person. (CMCC Students' Night 2009) |
Cerjay, this is a very clichè statement but I know you're in a better place now. Thank you for being the one who stayed true to our "keep in touch." Thank you for always believing in me especially when I was down. I have so much to be thankful for for knowing someone like you but I am most thankful for letting me into your life and sharing with me your dreams as if I was your sister. Now, I mourn as if I've lost my brother.
It just shatters my heart to think that you didn't get to go the distance. Like I always told you, you deserve the best in life and so much more. I guess God saw you suffering and He thought it was time for you to be at peace. This is a tough reality to face but we must accept it. I always thought you were an angel here on Earth... Now you've become one in heaven.
Have a peaceful eternal sleep, Cerjay...
I'm going to miss you...
I love you...
