So... With that said...
Eighteen days...
I've been a junior intern (JI)/clerk for eighteen days now... I've been doing fine, "professionally speaking", maybe because I've wanted this for a long time. I've also been doing fine, "personally speaking", because I am where I am. I made this decision. I've weighed the pros and the cons. I've decided to just deal with whatever happens along the way. In other words, this was a "follow your heart" choice.
Yesterday, I had a heart-melting conversation with a friend of mine... Get ready... This is going to be a doozy... That conversation? It was about... THE CHOSEN ONE. I don't want to fully declare that he's making a comeback... Let's just say he's making a guest appearance or a cameo... She told me something that made my heart sink. I'm not sure, though, if it's because I felt sorry for him, I felt bad for him, or whatever. It just made me feel sad... And confused at the same time. Before writing this, I had to read the last entry I wrote about him to make sure if I outright ended THAT chapter... And I felt like I did. Now... I think I'm about to eat my words.
Before getting into me being confused, I wonder... Was he able to read THAT entry? I mean, I don't think he'd read something I wrote. I never assume people to read my posts even if I share it on my other social networking accounts. But... What if? Even if "Cryptic's my thing", I still believe that he'd get what I said without the specifics. I still believe that he's THAT quick and THAT smart to get the meaning behind my posts. After what my friend told me, I'm bothered and quite affected by what he's going through right now... Isn't it obvious?
Now... I'm confused... I don't know if what I learned about him yesterday is bringing back feelings or I'm just feeling bad for him. I wasn't able to respond with a straight answer when my friend asked me if I still had feelings for him... So... What does that mean? Though it felt like that "Take A Bow" entry was my last TCO entry, I don't think I totally closed that door on him. Maybe I left it ajar or a window open... I don't know... I'm not sure... I'm always open to possibilities... And, with him, by tagging him as "The Chosen One", there will always be a space for him in my heart.
So... Here I am... I am left with this uncomfortable feeling of, "What if?" What if I chose a different path in this junior internship? The problem with me is that I am too much after the chase... Yes, the chase... I'm chasing after someone who keeps chasing after another. Insert scene from "My Best Friend's Wedding" where Dermot Mulroney's chasing after Cameron Diaz while Julia Robert's chasing after Dermot Mulroney while Rupert Everett's on the phone with Julia talking some sense into her saying, "Who's chasing after you? No one!" Yes... I feel like Julia Roberts in this situation. No one's chasing after me. I'm the one, the only one doing all the work... I thought I had no regrets making this decision. But after what I heard yesterday, I feel like I'm starting to have them...
I can't fully explain what and how I'm feeling right now... But I'm definitely hurting... Because my heart seems to be searching for something it can't find... Or maybe it doesn't know what it's searching for. Now that I'm a clerk, I'm giving myself full permission to dwell in this misery. I thought I've already made my choice. I guess fate keeps playing with me, always getting TCO back in the picture when I already thought I've moved on. I have to think about this. I have to make sense out of this. I have to know what THIS IS exactly. I don't want to keep chasing after someone who's always after another person. And I don't want to be the person who just keeps waiting for someone who made me feel like I'm his option.
I just want to be somebody's somebody.
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