Guilt Over Hiding The Truth

I was supposed to write something with a happier tone. I was in the mood this afternoon despite the fact that I got the urge to write after reading some of my old and, kind of, depressing entries on Facebook. I guess I was able to extract some positive energy out of them... Until tonight...

As I typed in the title of this supposed entry I was about to start, I thought, "Is that the right one?" So I decided to just leave it as it is until I finish everything... The problem was, I really couldn't start it... I couldn't even get the first phrase right... Then I admitted to myself... I am bothered... Bothered by a lot of stuff that's happened before the Christmas break began... And this entry is about one of those things...

The last 2 entries I've posted were about these 2 people that I like and how I've come to like the other one better... Yes, I've made my decision and I've finally chosen this one guy... The second guy... This guy who's in the same world as I am. The problem is... ME... I like this guy so much that I get so intimidated by him. We BARELY talk... Though, last week, I think he broke that barrier... But that's another story to tell for some other day... But, yeah, before that, we really do BARELY talk... And this is why I keep doing what I'm about to admit..

This other guy... The first guy... The one that I "did not choose." I keep finding opportunities for us to see each other... It was because of feasibility. The whole week last week, I was studying somewhere else. And that somewhere else was near his workplace. As the week passed, friends of mine came to know my "thing" for this guy and started thinking that there was really something going on... Let me tell you now...

THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON...

Reasons?

1. He has a girlfriend. I'm NOT the kind of girl who will ruin a relationship. NEVER WAS and NEVER WILL BE because I don't want the same thing to happen to me.
2. I like SOMEONE else... I like him A LOT...!

I think those reasons are enough... But I can't help but feel guilty because I keep letting him know that I'm in the vicinity when he's there working. Actually, there's this one time when I didn't tell him but my friend wanted to get something from where he's working so he saw me and told me, "Hindi ka man lang nag-text. [You didn't even send me a text message.]" C'MON! Confuse me much, why don't you? I mean, even if I already like someone else, THAT still made me feel quite giddy. But that feeling died fairly quick because I've already set my mind and MY HEART on the second guy. 

The whole week, though, was a huge guilt trip. I felt like I was putting up some kind of charade... No... I WAS putting up some kind of charade to hide the one I had real feelings for. I think somebody should give me a best actress award or something for being able to live through the whole week acting like I still liked the first guy... Oh, God! Please forgive me! What I've been doing is shameful...

It's easier just to cut all ties with him, I mean, maybe just lie low for a bit... But even before admitting to myself that I like the second guy, the first guy and I already made plans to do some stuff over my Christmas break. I don't know if I've already mentioned this before but the first guy is my jam session buddy. We've already planned to do some music-related stuff so I can't just back out. It would be like turning my back on music, which is something I dare not do...! So I've decided, it's going to be nothing but music for us from now on...

Oh my... God, I'm so sorry! I can't help but ask for His forgiveness in the middle of writing this... I've never done anything like this... I feel like I've gone astray out of frustration because the second guy and I BARELY have any kind of communication. It's like I'm projecting my frustrations out on the first guy... No... That's EXACTLY what I was doing... Well, NO MORE!

The second guy... He's the one I chose... Someday, he might read this... I have nothing to hide... This is what and how I feel. I am just so protective over how I'm feeling for him that I don't want just anybody to know about it. Like I've said to my closest friends, this one is serious... And as long as I feel like I'm still in the dark about him having something for me, I will conceal my truth...

The Wall That Used To Exist

I know I've said this in my previous entry... But I'm just too overwhelmed with things that it deserves to be reiterated...

My walls are down...

My walls are DEFINITELY down...

Amazing how one person took them down... So that another person can come through... Smart person... The latter... Without effort, I let him in... Didn't take too long for me to realize that I really liked him... There are no reasons how I got to this point... It's bewildering... But I told my friend/adviser/confidante that he was on my radar all this time... I was just keeping quiet about it... Maybe because I wasn't used to liking 2 persons at the same time, and, I guess, with the same intensity... I was in denial with the latter... I was building the first one so much that I was afraid to admit that the other guy was actually the one I liked better. My friend even told me that he liked this other one better, that he felt like we were a perfect fit... I hate to admit it but I do agree with him...

Things have changed... My world has changed... I don't know, though, if I can keep up with these changes... Yes, there are changes but I feel like I'm back in a very familiar situation. I've been here before... I swear... The last time I was here was more than a year ago... It ended up in heartbreak... At least, for me... And this is why I'm scared... I'm scared that I'm finding myself in the same place... Or so I think I am...

A different person... Yes, he's different... I don't want to expect too much but I'm really PRAYING and HOPING that I'll get a different ending this time...

More Than The Usual "One"

Amazing... Truly amazing...

FYI... I have 2 pending entries right now... I haven't finished both of them because somewhere in the middle of writing them, I lost the words to express these pent up feelings... And now, I got them back... But they're for a-whole-nother situation...

I reviewed one of those pending entries to see if I wrote the next few statements which I'm about to say... I did... So before truly diving into "the matter at hand," here it goes...

I've said this before and I'll say it again... I've had my guard up for the past year or so... I had a hard time moving on... I literally experienced crying myself to sleep for, maybe, a little over a week. I sacrificed a friendship... Because of that experience, I knew I had to take better care of my heart. Until a few weeks ago when someone else from my past came back. I don't know when I started getting reckless again. I guess I was caught off guard. He came in from my blind side...  Then one day, I realized... He was slowly tearing down my walls... And, brick by brick, I think I let him do it...

Now that a part of my wall was down, things are starting to gush out and come in all at the same time... I, somehow, admitted to a couple of friends that I think I have my eye on someone else... Another guy... I told them I wasn't sure but there's just something about him that caught my attention...

So... This other guy...

I've been silent about him for the past few months because, like I've said, I wasn't sure if I really was attracted to him or something. I just feel this connection with him even though we haven't had a decent conversation... ever... Then, the other day happened... For the first time, we got to talk... Nothing serious, though... Just a simple conversation... It was nice... He made me laugh... I'm not sure if I made him laugh... But I remember making him smile... His smile... Wow... It could really brighten one's gloomy day... Anyway... I guess that conversation pushed me into admitting to my friends that I think I have something for this guy... I guess I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer...

"Keep your options open," one of my friends told me a few weeks ago. That one just keeps echoing in my head... So weird... I was never like this... I mean, nothing's happening, BELIEVE ME... I'm not assuming nor expecting something will, too... But I feel like I have to get myself ready for anything that MIGHT happen... Again, so weird... I'm preparing myself for a number of heartbreaks... Maybe that's why only like one person at a time... Because I know that I won't be able to take more than one heartbreaking experience at the same time. It's too late now, though... I've decided to live by the "philosophy" of my friend...

Now, here's my admission... I told my friends I wasn't sure if I'm starting to like this guy... Right after I told them, I felt like slapping myself on the face because I knew that was a lie... Yes, I like him... Somehow, I feel like I've been lying to myself, too, since that day this guy got my attention... And to make up for that lie, I will tell my friends the truth when we see each other again...

"Truth only means something when it's hard to admit." Yes, I agree with Nicholas Sparks... It's hard to admit... Not that fact that I like this other guy, too... The fact that I'm starting to "like" again... I hate that I'm afraid... But I can't blame myself for feeling scared... I've been hurt so much before... Sometimes, I do wonder how I got through all those painful experiences. Of course, I have my friends to thank for that but majority of the "moving on" work was usually up to me...

I guess I have to brace myself again... Like I said, I got reckless for letting the first guy tear down my walls... Now, I feel like I'm on the defense... And I have nothing to protect me...