Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul

22nd of February 2014

I just came from a war... That was quite a war I fought. What was supposed to be only a week-long battle extended into two... Today was the last day... Some came out of it feeling like there's still hope... I, on the other hand, came out badly burnt, bruised, bloody and everything else in between, with no hope for me to hold on to...

I LOST...

I might be calling this too early but somehow, I've lost the will to hope for the best. Looking back, I knew this was going to be quite a semester. I was afraid of this semester... Because this semester last year was when I got held back. For the second time. I guess I was dismissing that feeling the whole time. I wanted to change my fate. But I kept giving in to what I wanted to do instead of doing what I needed to do. I have no one else to blame but myself. So... I am here... Again... Déjà vu... The one I didn't want to have...

"The time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted."

I think I saw that quotation posted on my news feed by one of the pages I'm following on Facebook. Now that I'm at THIS point, I know I've wasted a lot of time... BUT I don't regret a single minute of my "wasted time". I spent them all with the people I want to be with, and doing things I never got to do when I was at the age when I was supposed to do them... I remember telling a friend of mine a couple of days ago, "My social life improved but my academic life suffered." Now, THAT'S the downside of it all... Whoops! Stop imagining nights out with friends and doing stuff I don't normally do... When I say "social life", I meant my world got a little bit bigger this semester. I had a lot of time on my hands and I took advantage of it in a different way... I met new people... Started doing THIS, blogging, once again, adding more entries here and starting a new blog inspired by "The Other Guy"... And, the one that affected me the most, "The Chosen One". I'm not placing blame on anyone, just to clarify things... It's still ME who has the problem. I guess my Instagram account would be the perfect reflection of what happened to me these past few months. I admit it... I LOST FOCUS... And it was already too late when I realized it. 

A couple of days before the week of our final exam, I was ranting to my friends because someone said some things to me that really got me down and made me feel like they've lost their faith in me. Then my really good friend/life adviser said something that really hit me hard, "I'm going to ask you this, Aix. What's the problem? Are you really doing and giving your best?" Just like that, he snapped me back to reality. Am I really doing my best? I did a quick flashback on my academic life. I never really did my best on anything but, somehow, and I say this with modesty, things just kept falling where they're supposed to... Until I entered med school. Four years into this and I feel like I'm still adjusting... It's so weird... I guess this is the consequence of NEVER having study habits.

My friend made me realize that I haven't been doing my best at all... I knew I wasn't pushing as hard as the others despite the fact that the competition was fierce. I was afraid I'd get burned out so early in the semester. It happened to me once during my 2nd semester in 2nd year. That time, I already got held back for one semester. I knew I had to hustle so I did. I thought I wasn't going to last. In the end, I took only one removal exam... 

I knew what I had to do... I told myself that I'd do what I did that semester in the succeeding ones... I knew I had to go through all that sacrifice again... Because I knew what the outcome would be... But I didn't do it. I easily gave in to my distractions and kept my mind busy with other things that shouldn't have taken up space in my head. Like I said, it's too late... And now I can't do anything about it.

I guess the only positive thing I can take from this heartbreaking situation is the overwhelming support I got/I've been getting from my friends. I told myself I won't cry over what happened to me because I knew I'd lose my strength, physically and mentally, if I did. I stayed strong. But on the first day of the pre-promotion board exam week, I posted something that got an unexpected response. Good thing I saw it after the exam because I broke down... I broke down hard... I knew I had a small chance of passing that exam... I was already believing I was going to fail it because I wanted to get ready for another subject that I had a feeling I was also going to take the removals in... But that post and the people who responded to it made me lose it. From that day onwards, I started losing my strength but it was them that kept me alive... 

As the week went on, I started realizing even more how lucky I am to have found people who knew what to say or do to keep me going. I just became friends with a group from the upper batch and, I must say, they just took my breath away. I felt a bit uneasy when I ran to them for comfort but they welcomed me with open arms. The kind of support they gave me when I'd already let go gave me that push to finish my tumultuous race. I am amazed... I am blessed...

Now that the end has come, I know I've taken a lot from the past semester. One sure thing is to not give in to my distractions... I know I might slip once or twice but I should give more time on what I should be doing. I am student. I am a medical student. I should be studying medicine. Like one of my good friends told me (and wrote down), "Eyes on the prize. Focus on your mark." There's an inside joke there but the idea coincides with what I should do to achieve the goal. Yes, FOCUS...! I'll make sure I won't lose it this time.

Lastly... To all the people who showed their concern, and made me feel that I am truly cared for and that I am in their thoughts and prayers... You know who you are... First, I want to apologize if ever I've disappointed you for not making it. If I made you feel like your support went nowhere, I want you to know that it didn't. It helped me finish my battle when I've got no fight left in me. With that said... Words cannot express how truly thankful I am. You might think I'm being overly dramatic but for someone like me who's going through a really tough time, one simple act of support means the world to me. Thank you... Thank you... My heart is swelling with gratitude. Though I feel like my world is shattering, I've never felt so lucky and so loved. I thank God for every single one of you. Thank you. Thank you. You saved me in ways you cannot imagine.

The next few months are going to be rough... Recovering from what I've been through might take a while but I need to start somewhere... I'm going to take every single thing I've learned from the past few months to build my game plan. I'll make sure it'll work this time.

I'll see you guys on October 2014...