One Year

So... After months of struggling and fighting to stay afloat, I lost my battle to Pediatrics 3A and Medicine 3A...

Today was the first day back in school... Losing that battle now makes me part of Batch 2015... What a heartbreaking, heart wrenching academic tragedy...!

It's times like this when I keep tracing back steps to see where I made the wrong decision. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine over lunch about it. It was the first time I heard myself say my thoughts about it out loud. I'm not sure if it was kind of a validation but I knew some of the choices I made wasn't for myself.

She asked me if I've already come to a point of doubting my decision to become a doctor. I told her that taking up Medicine's ok... Though, sometimes, I do think about it as something I'm doing because people expected me to do it. In other words, there's a part of me that thinks that I did this not for myself but for others. That's actually not a problem for me... I told my friend that it's ok for me to take up this post-grad course... The problem's my decision on which school I'd go to. I ended up going to my 2nd choice even if my 1st choice already called me up to say that I got in... Turning the latter down was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made.

Making that decision was backed up with all the wrong reasons which I don't want to go into detail anymore. I already heard myself say it. I don't think I need to write it down to constantly remind myself of how stupid I was. Let's just say that the reasons are selfless... But I've come to realize that when it comes to big decisions like the one I made, it's not so bad to be selfish once in a while...

I've lost myself... I miss my old self... My situation has crushed the old me down to the ground...