One Hello From Paranoia

Writing that previous post, I thought I'd be ready for what might happen just in case he reads it...

I thought wrong...

This afternoon... A friend of mine and I were walking outside the school, talking about him... The Chosen One... My friend was telling me that she preferred The Other Guy (to refresh your memory, I'm referring to the barista) because she thought he looked better than TCO. I told her I already forgot about him since he already made his "in-a-relationship" status official on Facebook and I felt like I had no future with him since he's WAY younger than me. But my friend kept on insisting, defending her side with the "looks" argument. Of course, I defended TCO. But just before the words escaped my mouth...

Lo and behold!

From afar... A few meters from us... Crossing the street... There he was... I suddenly felt my chest tightening with this burning and aching sensation as if all the air escaped out of my lungs... I quickly started thinking, "Oh my gosh... I've pictured this scenario in my head many times since classes started... This is it...!" Another student was walking in front of us so he blocked him from my view as he reached our side of the street but when he passed by that student... I looked at him and gave him a smile and a wave hello. He said, or more like what I heard from him was, "Aix..." He waved but he didn't smile.

I think it took a few steps from that moment before I was able to take a deep breath... I didn't know what to think of that encounter, whether I should be ecstatic or be disappointed... Well, being emotionally chaotic, I felt both... I was ecstatic that I was able to say (or wave) hello to him... But disappointed at how he greeted me... I've greeted quite a number of our former classmates before and they all didn't hold their smiles back. But him... Wow... And that's when I started thinking...

Did he read my blog?

Having a mind prone to overthinking things, it's natural for me to become paranoid... I just might be jumping to conclusions that he DID read it... But getting that reaction from him just led me to assume he did. My friend and I did nothing but talk about that encounter when we got to this cafe we were headed to when we saw him. I told her that he might be thinking, "The nerve of this girl to greet me after what she wrote about me!" Maybe he just acknowledged me because I greeted him first and he felt obliged to say hello back at me. Is that it? Is that what he did? Oh... No...

My friend asked me about the last blog I posted so I let her read it just so I could get her opinion... What if he read it? How would he feel? Will he be mad? Will he be sad? Will he feeling nothing? Will it boost his ego? After she read it, she told me that if she was him, she'd feel like she's at a loss not being able to know that I had those feelings... I wanted to believe her... But then again, she's my friend...

If I were true to my words, this post would never exist... But when it comes to matters of the heart, I can't seem to keep the promises I make to myself.... So, the last post about him? That's my bullsh*t... I'm not yet over... This will never be over... And I don't know when all THIS will finally be over...

Oh, by the way... That moment when I was about to defend TCO's looks to my friend? What I was about to tell her was...

I love his smile...

All Boxed Up

2nd of June 2014, 23:18H

This is long overdue. I've been wanting to write this... My supposed final post about The Chosen One... I guess my mind wandered off, trying to move on from my tragic fall. I intentionally kept my mind off things that could remind me of my failure... Including him. I, somehow, succeeded. I drowned myself in things I wanted to do in the time I was given. I even shifted my attention onto somebody else... But that's another story to tell...

A few weeks into my summer vacation, I dropped by the school to give presents from our family R&R to a couple of my friends. But that wasn't the only reason... There's an unopened gift left in my locker. It's been there since the beginning of the year. At that time, two and a half months have already passed... It's high time I got it out of there. 

A reminder of what was never expressed.

After catching up with my friends, I went to my locker to get that gift. As I opened the door, it was, like, things started spilling over... I guess they're more like feelings... Feelings I let out but was forced to push back in because I was led to believe that they were worth letting go of. I stared at the box for a couple of seconds thinking, "This is it. This gift will never serve its purpose."

It's a sad thought, really. Gifts are meant to be opened so that the receiver could feel how special he/she is to the giver. They're supposed to give happiness to both of them. But since the present remained tied up, all those feelings will also stay in there all boxed up... Just like the feelings I felt (and, maybe, still feeling) for him.

I'm holding back tears as I write this, listening to the artist he recommended (which I also used as an excuse, a very lame one, to get a conversation going over the Christmas break... Such a failure, though.) It's torture... But I guess when it comes to these things, I can't help but let myself feel the sadness, the hurt, the disappointment as intense as possible so that, in one fell swoop, I can move on without JUST SAYING I can move on.

Now... The night of the first day back in school... I was trying hard NOT to write this because I know I have to focus on my academics... But I just can't help but think about what I thought of last night...

"There's a chance I might see him tomorrow."

He's already a semester ahead of me... But I remembered my brother telling us what rotation comes after what... So, in a non-"stalker" kind of way, I knew what rotation he's in now. Walking to school this afternoon, I was feeling a bit jittery... That's where my jitters came from... Not because it was the first day but because of the thought that I might see him... As I entered the building, I took a chance and decided to pass by the area where he might be staying, where I might see him. But I kept my eyes steady. I didn't look around. I was thinking, "If I see him even if I wasn't looking, then fine. If not, then it's fine, too." The latter happened, though. 

I was a bit disappointed, to be quite honest. Of course, I wanted to see him. It's been more than three months. Seeing him in photos posted by a former batchmate of mine who happened to be his groupmate wasn't enough. Seeing how he was doing through his own posts on this certain site (NOT Facebook... We're not Facebook friends... Yes, that's a clue.) wasn't enough. And because I wasn't able to see him this afternoon, I suddenly had the urge to check his account tonight especially since I haven't seen any of his posts lately. He had a few since his last post that I saw. But even that, giving in, indulging myself into something I was trying hard not to do, wasn't enough. That was the last straw. I already lost focus on what I was studying... Thus... This post. I had to let this all out... And after months of not being able to find the right words to write, they all came crashing down on me on that single moment of indulgence.

I told myself that I wanted to start this semester on a clean slate because I badly need to keep focused on my studies. That's what I plan to do. I don't think I'm failing at that plan. Maybe that slate is a new one... And I still have the old one in hand, stained by the past.

I'd like to close this chapter now... I'd like to take that final bow... I'd like to think this is the purpose of this post... I'm just not sure if I'll be able to keep my word. Tonight's sudden gush of emotions felt like an admonition. Come to think of it, not all endings are true endings... Some have cliffhangers... I'm not a fan of them, though. I don't like hanging onto something, not knowing what could lie ahead of me. But I guess it's time to get used to it. Maybe in the long run, I could forget how it feels to be left hanging.

I've said this a few times before... My friend/life adviser told me that he can easily pick things up... So, TO YOU... Just in case you decided to read what I have posted (nope, I'm not going to say "just in case you STUMBLE upon this..." since I posted this on every social networking account I have), this is what's going on in my head. That's what happened... THIS is how you made me feel... Whether you decide to take pride or take offense in what I've said, it's all up to you. I'm not starting any drama. I'm just telling the truth... The truth about how you made me feel.

I'm sorry...

Thank you...

Though the gift remains unopened, I guess my feelings aren't all boxed up anymore, huh?