Mark This Day

I was at the dorm today... Again... I got more stuff, the important ones, that might help me recover from my situation... YES... I have decided that TODAY would be the first day of me moving on from what happened.

While waiting at the dorm, I was able to finish another blog entry... I wrote something about what happened while I was there... Something that made my heart quite happy... I wrote down almost every detail of what transpired while everything was still fresh. A few minutes after posting that entry, I removed it. It was supposed to be the very first post about this certain person. I, actually, felt bad after taking that post down because, being the sentimental person that I am, it was a "milestone" post. But I guess I still wasn't ready to post something about him... And after reading that post, I knew he deserved better writing than what I came up with.

Where am I getting at here? Well, I guess you could say that what happened this afternoon made me realize that I should just focus on the good stuff to negate the bad ones. The following is an excerpt from the post I took down:

'The dorm... My school's vicinity... I just recently referred to this area as "ground zero" but I'd like to give new meaning to that label now... GROUND ZERO... The place where EVERYTHING happens. Yes... Everything... From the good times to the not-so-good times... But since I feel like I'm on the road to recovery, let's do "the good times." '

I'm gradually getting my groove back... Slowly going back to the old me... The me who sees things in a positive light... Yes, I might still feel that pinch... It's still inescapable at this point. But I guess the entry I wrote last night was the final release of the remnants. Plus, people seemed to have more positive words for me after they read what I shared which gave me a boost. Again, I heartily thank them for lifting my spirits.

This is it... There's no turning back... If ever I do turn back, I might actually be far along the road to my recovery... I'm excited... I look forward to the day I'll be back to my old self again.

By the way, the original "Mark This Day" entry is saved as a draft... But it might never see the light of day... Whatever happened today will forever be a mystery...

The Dust Is Yet To Settle

I went back to the dorm this morning to get some stuff. I always looked forward to the ride going there... It gave me time to do nothing but think... About random stuff... But this time, all I could think about was the upcoming post promotion board removal exams... Which I won't be taking... Which I wished I will be taking... It seemed like every thing I saw reminded me of my situation and how I wished it was different. The whole trip (well, almost) I kept thinking, "I wish I was studying for something right now."

Yesterday, out of impulse, I went to the Starbucks store where my some of my friends were studying for the post promo exam. It was the first time I saw them since my "disastrous downfall." It was really nice to see them... It's always nice to be with people who know and understand what you're going through... What I'm going through... What was supposed to be a quick visit turned into hours of chat and advice-giving (NOT academically-related advice, though). Gosh... I missed having carefree conversations...

So this morning when my bus passed by the street where that Starbucks store was, I wondered, "Are they studying there right now?" I wished I could see them again but I know I'd be bothering them so I resisted the urge to ask where they were. As the ride went on, it passed by another Starbucks store along the highway... I looked and tried to see if it was full or if there are any students studying there. My mind's really fixed on the upcoming exam... Then... One thought entered my mind... "I wish I was numb."

As I got off the bus, I started becoming conscious of my surroundings, especially when I started seeing students from my school... It's like one big affirmation... I am here... I am back...

When I got to the dorm, I didn't go straight to my room. I stopped by the laundry shop to pick up my clothes and pay for their service. I saw my uniforms hanging on the rack... There were three sets... One for each pre promotion board removal exam I took. I looked at them and started thinking of them differently... They were my armors during last week's battle. The blood has been washed off but the memory remains... I got defeated... I looked away after realizing I was going down that familiar slump again. I, somehow, regained my happiness after spending some time with my friends yesterday that I didn't want to go back to feeling down again... I had to fight the feeling... But it was just hard to fight it being at ground zero.

After getting the stuff I needed, I immediately left the dorm, not because I didn't want to be seen by my other friends who were still within the vicinity but because being there still gives me that tinge of pain. It's still fresh... But I have to face it... It's my reality... THIS is my new reality. Though it hurts, I have to deal with it. I've made my bed and now I have to lay in it...

"The harder I fall, the STRONGER I become."

I posted that last week on my Facebook page. Now, as I look back, I feel like saying to myself, "Ha! Talksh*t!" I don't feel strong at all... But this is what I want to believe... Maybe I'm not yet strong because I'm still recovering, trying to heal the wounds from my defeat. Maybe after this resting phase, that's when I'll be back... That's when I'll come out... Stronger than ever.

Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul

22nd of February 2014

I just came from a war... That was quite a war I fought. What was supposed to be only a week-long battle extended into two... Today was the last day... Some came out of it feeling like there's still hope... I, on the other hand, came out badly burnt, bruised, bloody and everything else in between, with no hope for me to hold on to...

I LOST...

I might be calling this too early but somehow, I've lost the will to hope for the best. Looking back, I knew this was going to be quite a semester. I was afraid of this semester... Because this semester last year was when I got held back. For the second time. I guess I was dismissing that feeling the whole time. I wanted to change my fate. But I kept giving in to what I wanted to do instead of doing what I needed to do. I have no one else to blame but myself. So... I am here... Again... Déjà vu... The one I didn't want to have...

"The time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted."

I think I saw that quotation posted on my news feed by one of the pages I'm following on Facebook. Now that I'm at THIS point, I know I've wasted a lot of time... BUT I don't regret a single minute of my "wasted time". I spent them all with the people I want to be with, and doing things I never got to do when I was at the age when I was supposed to do them... I remember telling a friend of mine a couple of days ago, "My social life improved but my academic life suffered." Now, THAT'S the downside of it all... Whoops! Stop imagining nights out with friends and doing stuff I don't normally do... When I say "social life", I meant my world got a little bit bigger this semester. I had a lot of time on my hands and I took advantage of it in a different way... I met new people... Started doing THIS, blogging, once again, adding more entries here and starting a new blog inspired by "The Other Guy"... And, the one that affected me the most, "The Chosen One". I'm not placing blame on anyone, just to clarify things... It's still ME who has the problem. I guess my Instagram account would be the perfect reflection of what happened to me these past few months. I admit it... I LOST FOCUS... And it was already too late when I realized it. 

A couple of days before the week of our final exam, I was ranting to my friends because someone said some things to me that really got me down and made me feel like they've lost their faith in me. Then my really good friend/life adviser said something that really hit me hard, "I'm going to ask you this, Aix. What's the problem? Are you really doing and giving your best?" Just like that, he snapped me back to reality. Am I really doing my best? I did a quick flashback on my academic life. I never really did my best on anything but, somehow, and I say this with modesty, things just kept falling where they're supposed to... Until I entered med school. Four years into this and I feel like I'm still adjusting... It's so weird... I guess this is the consequence of NEVER having study habits.

My friend made me realize that I haven't been doing my best at all... I knew I wasn't pushing as hard as the others despite the fact that the competition was fierce. I was afraid I'd get burned out so early in the semester. It happened to me once during my 2nd semester in 2nd year. That time, I already got held back for one semester. I knew I had to hustle so I did. I thought I wasn't going to last. In the end, I took only one removal exam... 

I knew what I had to do... I told myself that I'd do what I did that semester in the succeeding ones... I knew I had to go through all that sacrifice again... Because I knew what the outcome would be... But I didn't do it. I easily gave in to my distractions and kept my mind busy with other things that shouldn't have taken up space in my head. Like I said, it's too late... And now I can't do anything about it.

I guess the only positive thing I can take from this heartbreaking situation is the overwhelming support I got/I've been getting from my friends. I told myself I won't cry over what happened to me because I knew I'd lose my strength, physically and mentally, if I did. I stayed strong. But on the first day of the pre-promotion board exam week, I posted something that got an unexpected response. Good thing I saw it after the exam because I broke down... I broke down hard... I knew I had a small chance of passing that exam... I was already believing I was going to fail it because I wanted to get ready for another subject that I had a feeling I was also going to take the removals in... But that post and the people who responded to it made me lose it. From that day onwards, I started losing my strength but it was them that kept me alive... 

As the week went on, I started realizing even more how lucky I am to have found people who knew what to say or do to keep me going. I just became friends with a group from the upper batch and, I must say, they just took my breath away. I felt a bit uneasy when I ran to them for comfort but they welcomed me with open arms. The kind of support they gave me when I'd already let go gave me that push to finish my tumultuous race. I am amazed... I am blessed...

Now that the end has come, I know I've taken a lot from the past semester. One sure thing is to not give in to my distractions... I know I might slip once or twice but I should give more time on what I should be doing. I am student. I am a medical student. I should be studying medicine. Like one of my good friends told me (and wrote down), "Eyes on the prize. Focus on your mark." There's an inside joke there but the idea coincides with what I should do to achieve the goal. Yes, FOCUS...! I'll make sure I won't lose it this time.

Lastly... To all the people who showed their concern, and made me feel that I am truly cared for and that I am in their thoughts and prayers... You know who you are... First, I want to apologize if ever I've disappointed you for not making it. If I made you feel like your support went nowhere, I want you to know that it didn't. It helped me finish my battle when I've got no fight left in me. With that said... Words cannot express how truly thankful I am. You might think I'm being overly dramatic but for someone like me who's going through a really tough time, one simple act of support means the world to me. Thank you... Thank you... My heart is swelling with gratitude. Though I feel like my world is shattering, I've never felt so lucky and so loved. I thank God for every single one of you. Thank you. Thank you. You saved me in ways you cannot imagine.

The next few months are going to be rough... Recovering from what I've been through might take a while but I need to start somewhere... I'm going to take every single thing I've learned from the past few months to build my game plan. I'll make sure it'll work this time.

I'll see you guys on October 2014...

Relieved...

I can't believe I'm about to admit this, much less say this but... I miss him... The other guy... I'll call him BB from now on... BB... My go-to guy when I'm frustrated with TCO. Yesterday, I found ways to cope with my missing him:

1. I wrote an entry.
2. I sent him a message.
3. I watched our videos.
4. I checked his Facebook page after a few days of not checking it.
5. I uploaded a 15-second video of one of our videos on Instagram. - This one, I'm kind of worried about because he has no idea it's already out. He kind of told me before that he wanted to perfect it first before making it public. Sorry but I just couldn't hold it in much longer. It needed to be shared... At least 15 seconds out of the 5-minute video.

So... I did all that... I actually ended my day knowing how to play the song on that video because I was a little scared that we won't be able to meet again to finish it... The longing was still there but it gave me some kind of feeling of accomplishment... Maybe I could this whole thing without him... I fell sleep around past 2 in the morning.

My phone (I use it as my alarm) went off at 5:45 AM. Since it was the weekend, though I knew I had to get up and start studying, I decided to go back to sleep. Before doing that, I checked my phone... I have a message... And to my surprise, it's from him...! He sent it at 4:26 AM... I didn't open it so that I'd know I have an unread message. But... WOW...!!! Did I exude that strong of an energy? I feel like he felt how much I miss him... So he finally broke the silence...

I'm SO close to actually admitting I need him... Well, okay... I need him... To fill the void... I hate to admit that but it's true. Some people might think I'm using him... But, again, I'm not... I like him... I do... I liked him before TCO came along. It's just that there are certain points swaying me towards TCO. But since TCO's going dormant, I think BB deserves to get my attention... Again...

He wanted to do a jam session. That's what he told me in the message. I read it when I woke up, fully aware of what's happening... I looked at the time when he sent the message. I'm like, "WHAT?!? Why is he up THAT early? Did he just get off from work? Did he come from somewhere and 'drunk-texted' me?" Well, I know the drunk-text is impossible because an invite for a jam session won't be the content of that kind of a message. (Haha!) But, honestly, every time he suddenly texts me to do a jam session, I do feel like it's safe version of a booty call. I guess it's in the way he texts me. He usually wants to do it ASAP as if I will call his invite right then and there. Who am I to complain, though? At least I have someone to do stuff like this now.

Anyway, I replied a few hours after he sent the message. I didn't get a reply right away though. I sent my message this morning and got a reply just tonight because I sent him another message asking if he got annoyed with my previous text. He just laughed, told me he just got off from work and we started our exchange.

He really DID want to do our thing tonight! He asked me where I was and if I was busy tonight because he already had his guitar with him. I told him I wasn't at the dorm. My gosh! Maybe if I told him to go where I am right now, he'd probably be at my doorstep tonight. I imagined that... I let out a giddy laugh... It felt good...

Unfortunately, as much as I would want to do our thing and to see him and to spend time with him, I can't... I'm preparing for the finals... I wish I could really squeeze in some time with him, though... I miss him... Yes, I really do...

Well, now... At least I know he's still there... I guess he was never really gone... He never really left...

Thank God... He's back... I'm going to be more careful with him this time...