FYI... I have 2 pending entries right now... I haven't finished both of them because somewhere in the middle of writing them, I lost the words to express these pent up feelings... And now, I got them back... But they're for a-whole-nother situation...
I reviewed one of those pending entries to see if I wrote the next few statements which I'm about to say... I did... So before truly diving into "the matter at hand," here it goes...
I've said this before and I'll say it again... I've had my guard up for the past year or so... I had a hard time moving on... I literally experienced crying myself to sleep for, maybe, a little over a week. I sacrificed a friendship... Because of that experience, I knew I had to take better care of my heart. Until a few weeks ago when someone else from my past came back. I don't know when I started getting reckless again. I guess I was caught off guard. He came in from my blind side... Then one day, I realized... He was slowly tearing down my walls... And, brick by brick, I think I let him do it...
Now that a part of my wall was down, things are starting to gush out and come in all at the same time... I, somehow, admitted to a couple of friends that I think I have my eye on someone else... Another guy... I told them I wasn't sure but there's just something about him that caught my attention...
So... This other guy...
I've been silent about him for the past few months because, like I've said, I wasn't sure if I really was attracted to him or something. I just feel this connection with him even though we haven't had a decent conversation... ever... Then, the other day happened... For the first time, we got to talk... Nothing serious, though... Just a simple conversation... It was nice... He made me laugh... I'm not sure if I made him laugh... But I remember making him smile... His smile... Wow... It could really brighten one's gloomy day... Anyway... I guess that conversation pushed me into admitting to my friends that I think I have something for this guy... I guess I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer...
"Keep your options open," one of my friends told me a few weeks ago. That one just keeps echoing in my head... So weird... I was never like this... I mean, nothing's happening, BELIEVE ME... I'm not assuming nor expecting something will, too... But I feel like I have to get myself ready for anything that MIGHT happen... Again, so weird... I'm preparing myself for a number of heartbreaks... Maybe that's why only like one person at a time... Because I know that I won't be able to take more than one heartbreaking experience at the same time. It's too late now, though... I've decided to live by the "philosophy" of my friend...
Now, here's my admission... I told my friends I wasn't sure if I'm starting to like this guy... Right after I told them, I felt like slapping myself on the face because I knew that was a lie... Yes, I like him... Somehow, I feel like I've been lying to myself, too, since that day this guy got my attention... And to make up for that lie, I will tell my friends the truth when we see each other again...
"Truth only means something when it's hard to admit." Yes, I agree with Nicholas Sparks... It's hard to admit... Not that fact that I like this other guy, too... The fact that I'm starting to "like" again... I hate that I'm afraid... But I can't blame myself for feeling scared... I've been hurt so much before... Sometimes, I do wonder how I got through all those painful experiences. Of course, I have my friends to thank for that but majority of the "moving on" work was usually up to me...
I guess I have to brace myself again... Like I said, I got reckless for letting the first guy tear down my walls... Now, I feel like I'm on the defense... And I have nothing to protect me...
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