Guilt Over Hiding The Truth

I was supposed to write something with a happier tone. I was in the mood this afternoon despite the fact that I got the urge to write after reading some of my old and, kind of, depressing entries on Facebook. I guess I was able to extract some positive energy out of them... Until tonight...

As I typed in the title of this supposed entry I was about to start, I thought, "Is that the right one?" So I decided to just leave it as it is until I finish everything... The problem was, I really couldn't start it... I couldn't even get the first phrase right... Then I admitted to myself... I am bothered... Bothered by a lot of stuff that's happened before the Christmas break began... And this entry is about one of those things...

The last 2 entries I've posted were about these 2 people that I like and how I've come to like the other one better... Yes, I've made my decision and I've finally chosen this one guy... The second guy... This guy who's in the same world as I am. The problem is... ME... I like this guy so much that I get so intimidated by him. We BARELY talk... Though, last week, I think he broke that barrier... But that's another story to tell for some other day... But, yeah, before that, we really do BARELY talk... And this is why I keep doing what I'm about to admit..

This other guy... The first guy... The one that I "did not choose." I keep finding opportunities for us to see each other... It was because of feasibility. The whole week last week, I was studying somewhere else. And that somewhere else was near his workplace. As the week passed, friends of mine came to know my "thing" for this guy and started thinking that there was really something going on... Let me tell you now...

THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON...

Reasons?

1. He has a girlfriend. I'm NOT the kind of girl who will ruin a relationship. NEVER WAS and NEVER WILL BE because I don't want the same thing to happen to me.
2. I like SOMEONE else... I like him A LOT...!

I think those reasons are enough... But I can't help but feel guilty because I keep letting him know that I'm in the vicinity when he's there working. Actually, there's this one time when I didn't tell him but my friend wanted to get something from where he's working so he saw me and told me, "Hindi ka man lang nag-text. [You didn't even send me a text message.]" C'MON! Confuse me much, why don't you? I mean, even if I already like someone else, THAT still made me feel quite giddy. But that feeling died fairly quick because I've already set my mind and MY HEART on the second guy. 

The whole week, though, was a huge guilt trip. I felt like I was putting up some kind of charade... No... I WAS putting up some kind of charade to hide the one I had real feelings for. I think somebody should give me a best actress award or something for being able to live through the whole week acting like I still liked the first guy... Oh, God! Please forgive me! What I've been doing is shameful...

It's easier just to cut all ties with him, I mean, maybe just lie low for a bit... But even before admitting to myself that I like the second guy, the first guy and I already made plans to do some stuff over my Christmas break. I don't know if I've already mentioned this before but the first guy is my jam session buddy. We've already planned to do some music-related stuff so I can't just back out. It would be like turning my back on music, which is something I dare not do...! So I've decided, it's going to be nothing but music for us from now on...

Oh my... God, I'm so sorry! I can't help but ask for His forgiveness in the middle of writing this... I've never done anything like this... I feel like I've gone astray out of frustration because the second guy and I BARELY have any kind of communication. It's like I'm projecting my frustrations out on the first guy... No... That's EXACTLY what I was doing... Well, NO MORE!

The second guy... He's the one I chose... Someday, he might read this... I have nothing to hide... This is what and how I feel. I am just so protective over how I'm feeling for him that I don't want just anybody to know about it. Like I've said to my closest friends, this one is serious... And as long as I feel like I'm still in the dark about him having something for me, I will conceal my truth...