This Goes Out To YOU

Dear You,

Hello!

There... I got that out of the way... I can't seem to think of a way to really start this... Even through writing, I still feel shy and intimidated...

I've always wanted to write this... And I've always wondered what THIS would say... The first time I thought of doing this, I was too caught up in all the feelings that came crashing down. They came down all at once, I couldn't seem to organize my thoughts... But now...

Now... I feel like you've given me a sign... A sign which I've interpreted in different ways:

1. I'm going down a one-way street.
2. If, IF, the feelings were mutual, we might not be fit for each other.

Either way, you made me feel like I'm fighting a battle which was already a sure-loss in the end.

I'm writing this to let you know that I have a wish... A wish that, I think, will never come true... Because I wished it too late...

How I wish we started out as friends...

We could've been really good friends, you know. I had no idea I was unconsciously aware of how you acted in class, how you interact with people and how confident you are until I realized I already had feelings for you... YES... You made me like you even if we never had a single decent conversation, let alone a mere "classmate" interaction... That fact still astounds me because I've never liked someone who I never got to know really well before. But you... You had something I never thought I'd like. Heck, I could actually say you made me fall for you without an explainable reason.

That's the problem... I already liked you even before we had that first real conversation. I just couldn't get the feelings out of the way. I thought I could, at first... But it was harder to hold the feelings back than to let go... I guess I was ready to face the consequence, the possible consequence, of getting hurt in the end (again). You made me let go when I was trying hard not to. That's the kind of power you have over me.

Now, we're already where we are... Me liking you and you knowing that I like you... Yes, I know you know. Or maybe, at least, you have an idea... I still wish we could be friends... But I must admit, this could be a problem... It's hard to start a friendship with someone I already have feelings for. I guess that's more like MY problem. I wish you could understand where I'm coming from. I'm not sure if you're trying to make an effort of building that friendship. Well, before I saw that effort... Now, well, I know we're falling apart without even leaving the starting line. That bothers me... A lot... Because I know it's my fault.

The events leading up to this point are making me closed off, yet again. I don't want to get hurt... Especially by you... I've been hurt so many times before by the people I've fallen for. It's hard to get back up again... I fear that I might have an even harder time with you because I haven't even invested as much as I have with the guys before you and I'm already feeling the same things when I get to that point of defeat with them.

I feel bad, though... I thought we were making progress... I enjoyed the few conversations we had... But there was one, the last one, which made me run the opposite direction, towards where we were before... I guess I kind of dragged you with me because the way we're acting towards each other right now's like everything went back to zero... I hate this... I hate that I lost you even before I got that chance to feel what it's like to have you... Even as a friend.

If, by any chance, you see this, I wish you'd do something. I know you don't like the serious stuff... You said so yourself. But if you feel like you need to say something, PLEASE, say it. I don't want to live in a world full of "what-ifs" anymore. I'm not one to start a "confrontation" of some sort. I'm too weak to play mind games. Life's too short to waste time on something worth feeling... For real... For me, the thrill is the fall and not the games.

So, there... It's out... There's a pretty big chance you'll never know this letter exists. Or maybe you'll stumble upon this and never know that THIS is actually for you... But my really good friend told me you pick stuff up really fast so you'll probably get that THIS is for you. I've dropped too many hints for you not to figure out that THIS, indeed, is for YOU...

So... Here... This is me... This is real... This is how I feel... For you...