I had a pretty traumatic experience yesterday getting "yelled at" by our group's proctor during our case discussion in ward class. My groupmates said that that was still nothing compared to the other times that they've seen her really grind a student. True, somehow, because I was expecting something worse... I really can't blame her for "yelling" at me because I knew what I wasn't confident about what I was presenting. No excuse nor explanations were accepted... It's okay... I knew I deserved it... But still, it left me, somewhat, speechless and feeling like I needed more room to breathe. I guess the weight of that horrendous moment wasn't really totally lifted off my chest. (THIS wasn't the trigger, though... Something else pushed me into writing once again.)
As I got back to my dorm room, I started thinking... My mind wandered off into the common theme of my previous entries... PAIN... HURT... HEARTACHE... Then I asked myself, "Why didn't I write about the good times that I've had? Why do I keep focusing on the bad stuff? Have I become a pessimist since the day I experience real emotional, heart-wrenching pain?"
I consider myself an optimist, as someone people can turn to if they want some encouragement. But I do have a hard time being that source of encouragement once I start dealing with my own demons. Well, the demons being getting hurt by people... Okay, getting heartbroken... That has always been my problem. Once that happens, I'm done... What's worse is that I keep reliving those painful moments over and over again in my mind, trying to find the answers that only the other person involved could give. Unfortunately, I'm not brave enough to confront them... By saying "them", I mean all the people (okay, all the GUYS) that broke my heart. Well, I had this one experience... It was pretty liberating... But I don't think I could go through that again... (The good thing that came out of that experience is that we're still friends to this day... THANKS for the friendship, man!)
Anais Nin once said (or, maybe wrote), "We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrrospect." --- I read this on Facebook and this gave me the drive to write again... I just needed something to write about... Until yesterday happened...
That saying also gave me my realization as to why I keep writing about the painful stuff... "To taste life twice... In retrospect..." I guess I needed a reminder of what went wrong and where things started crumbling to the ground... Basically, I created my own manual... "The Things You Should Learn From" A manual of my life's mistakes that resulted into heartaches.
I've always thought that I never learned from my pit falls... Until recently when I realized (yeah, these realizations just keep coming to me) how EXTRA CAUTIOUS I've been for the past year or so. The conversations I have with myself in my head have been, "Why did he say that? What does that mean? Does he mean... Nah! He's just friendly." or something like, "Why did he do that? Did he do that because... Nah! He's really just like that." Yep, the once "conclusion jumper" has become "the automatic dismisser". There's no such term but for me, it exists... I did post something on Facebook about having my walls and defenses up... Fairly true... After what I endured almost a couple of years ago, I think my heart needed (and deserved) a break... (To the guy who broke my heart more than a year ago, THANKS A LOT! I think you just scarred me for life! *sarcastic*)
There's just one catch... Having my guard up kind of scares me... I've never been this guarded with my heart before... What if I've already missed an opportunity? There's NO WAY I could get it back... I've been busy keeping myself from getting hurt that the chance for getting the happiness that I've been waiting for has already passed me by.
I guess the only thing I could take away from this is, AT LEAST, I had no idea what I could've missed. I mean, yeah, there's that chance for happiness... But maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the kind of happiness that I deserved. I've endured too much pain from different people that, maybe, someone amazing was meant to give me happiness beyond my imagination.
I'm still hopeful... And I guess I never really lost the optimism towards myself...
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