The Reason #IMhere

16th of November 2014, one quiet afternoon at home

I am three-fourths of the way done with my first clerkship adventure... Fifteen days to go before I say bye-bye to Internal Medicine... But the experience might extend another 32 hours... Because I missed 32 hours with them...

I had to undergo a minor surgical procedure a few days ago. Excision biopsy... Of my hidradenitis suppurativa... The night before my procedure (my dad was also in the room, by the way), a resident doctor from the Anesthesiology department gave me a briefing of what their side might do. They were only going to give me an intravenous general anesthesia... But then, he said something to this effect, "If ever something else happens during the operation, there's a possibility that we might intubate you." In my mind, I was, like, "Intubate? INTUBATE? Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? What the heck could happen that could lead to that?" He was still explaining the rest of whatever he was supposed to explain but I got stuck with "intubate". When he finished, I wasn't able to help myself and truthfully told him, "I suddenly got nervous when you said that I might get intubated!" Of course, he was trying his best to tell him that it's ONLY a possibility... But still...! Hearing that it could possibly be done to me was just... TOO SOON... After what I experienced on my first and last days in the coronary care unit of our hospital, and knowing how it was done was just... TOO SOON...

I knew was undergoing a low risk procedure... A less than 1% chance of having any kind of complication. I knew I was going to be in the most amazing and caring hands since my dad was going to do the said procedure, assisted by his resident whom I have full trust in. But after what I have witnessed in my less-than-two-months-stint as a junior intern and having a mind like mine, I got [a bit] paranoid... You know what I did? I asked my brother to bring me THE JOURNAL before coming to the hospital.

Yes... THE JOURNAL...

I haven't written anything in it for quite a while now... But weird li'l ol' me had this feeling of wanting it with me that night... Not to write anything else in it since my thoughts were too much for my hands to keep up with... But to just have it ready... Just in case... YES, I am THAT morbid. The problem was I haven't told anybody else what to do with it... Like... Who to give it to if something DOES happen to me. Maybe this one friend of mine would know since she knows I have THAT journal... I'm not sure... But I was more than 99% sure I won't fall in that less than 1%... And THANK GOD I didn't...!

The general anesthesia experience was QUITE an experience, though. Before getting into the serious part, here's a blooper... Picture this: I was already on the OR table. They could get all of my hair inside the surgical cap so the anesthesiology resident who gave me "the talk" the night before had to out a towel on my head, turban style. We were having a laugh. Then he told me, "Okay, I'm going to give you the anesthesia now. If you feel dizzy, don't fight it, just sleep. So start thinking of good dreams now."

BOOM!

The minute he told me that, I immediately thought of two persons...

First:

My resident doctor crush... I don't know why but maybe because it was the safe choice... Just in case I suddenly talk in sleep. At least all the people in the OR would hear was his name... VERY SAFE... He has already a heartthrob so I'm sure people won't be surprised if I unconsciously utter his name.

Second:

HIM... The reason I started the journal... The one who will receive the journal if ever the truth remains untold. The second I thought of him, I immediately dismissed it. I don't want to dream about him... Because I want him in my reality...

Then, I decided not to think about anything anymore. I just turned to my dad, called out to him and told him, "Good night, Papa!" Then, I closed my eyes...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

"Why does it hurt?" I thought to myself. "Should I open my eyes?" I asked myself. "But then again, the procedure might not be over and they might get surprised when they see me awake." But after a few seconds of battling with myself, I opened my eyes. No more OR lights, no more doctors... Just yellow walls and the clerk I was talking to a few days ago when I had my lesion checked with the Surgery resident my dad referred me to. "So... I am now in the PACU." I told myself. In a husky, growly voice, I asked her, "Nasaan na ako?" ("Where am I?") even if I already knew where I was, just to make sure. "Nasa recovery room ka na." ("You're in the recovery room.") Then I asked her other questions which I can't remember her answers to... I fall in and out of consciousness a few times, only feeling the pain of the operative site, and the tightening of the BP cuff every 15 minutes. Then the nurse came to me a said, "Aakyat ka na ha. Gusto ka nang paakyatin ng Papa mo." (You're going up now. Your dad already wants you back up in your room." After telling me that, it took a while before I left the recovery room. 

I left my room before 1:00 PM and returned past 6:00 PM. It took a while before I woke up, my dad said. He, actually, stayed with me for a while in the recovery room, waiting for me to wake up. He told me that the IV GA plus local anesthesia didn't really work on me so they had to give me more GA via face mask. I guess all that GA really knocked me out!

My afterthought... It started coming to me the moment I woke up in the recovery room. What if something really DID happen on that table?

My last words would have been, "Good night, Papa!"

And my last thought would have been... HIM...

This just came to me as I wrote that last statement... I felt weird having that resident crush of mine as the first thought when the anesthesiology resident told me to think of a good dream. I kept questioning myself why he entered my mind first. He's not THAT significant... Then... As I wrote that statement... I realized why HE came second to the resident crush... Because HE deserved to be the last thing on my mind... If ever I left this world on that table, HE would be the last thing, the last person I thought of... Not my friends, not even my family or God (I feel ashamed...)... But HIM... I'd leave the world with HIM as my good dream... And my life would've had a happy, peaceful end.

Nothing really big really happened while I was knocked out. There was no "my-life-flashed-before-my-eyes" moment because I didn't really have a near-death experience. But that realization just affirmed that I've moved on... And that I should never doubt myself with the choice I made.

So, now... #IMback... And #IMhere... In the Department of Internal Medicine.

There is a reason why I chose to be where I am. I could've chosen Pediatrics. I could've chosen Psychiatry-ENT-Ophthalmology... But I chose to be with IM. So far, I don't have any regrets. And I'm hoping I won't have any as this journey continues. I prepared myself, though. Anything can happen... The good, the bad, the nothing. I'm not expecting anything except for that moment when my heart will break. That's the only thing I'm expecting... Because it seems like it's the only thing I keep getting.

I am tempted, though... I am tempted to take the risk... Seriously... Because I just can't stand here and watch things as they unfold beyond my control. I have to take action, somehow. I can't always be at the sidelines, watching him chase someone else when I can go on that track and try to tap him just so he could turn around and see me.

Life is too short...

If anything, THAT would be the ultimate lesson I got from being sedated... under general anesthesia... What if I didn't wake up? He will never know how I truly felt unless THAT journal reaches him. He will never get to have a say if he knew how I felt. I will never know what could happen if he knew. Everything will be left hanging. There will be no closure. Yes, I could've died with him on my mind. But, like I said, I want him in my reality... Because reality will always be better than a dream.

A Glance at the Rear View Mirror

This entry was born out of another entry I was writing a while ago which I decided not to continue anymore due to the, somewhat, detailed description of what has happened these past few days. I've started a number of entries which I, eventually, kept to myself because of the same reason. One sure thing about me in blogging: NEVER write anything when I'm on an emotional high or when I just organized my thoughts because it always leads to a very descriptive blog post... Cryptic's my thing, I guess... And I want to keep it that way...

So... With that said...

Eighteen days...

I've been a junior intern (JI)/clerk for eighteen days now... I've been doing fine, "professionally speaking", maybe because I've wanted this for a long time. I've also been doing fine, "personally speaking", because I am where I am. I made this decision. I've weighed the pros and the cons. I've decided to just deal with whatever happens along the way. In other words, this was a "follow your heart" choice.

Yesterday, I had a heart-melting conversation with a friend of mine... Get ready... This is going to be a doozy... That conversation? It was about... THE CHOSEN ONE. I don't want to fully declare that he's making a comeback... Let's just say he's making a guest appearance or a cameo... She told me something that made my heart sink. I'm not sure, though, if it's because I felt sorry for him, I felt bad for him, or whatever. It just made me feel sad... And confused at the same time. Before writing this, I had to read the last entry I wrote about him to make sure if I outright ended THAT chapter... And I felt like I did. Now... I think I'm about to eat my words.

Before getting into me being confused, I wonder... Was he able to read THAT entry? I mean, I don't think he'd read something I wrote. I never assume people to read my posts even if I share it on my other social networking accounts. But... What if? Even if "Cryptic's my thing", I still believe that he'd get what I said without the specifics. I still believe that he's THAT quick and THAT smart to get the meaning behind my posts. After what my friend told me, I'm bothered and quite affected by what he's going through right now... Isn't it obvious?

Now... I'm confused... I don't know if what I learned about him yesterday is bringing back feelings or I'm just feeling bad for him. I wasn't able to respond with a straight answer when my friend asked me if I still had feelings for him... So... What does that mean? Though it felt like that "Take A Bow" entry was my last TCO entry, I don't think I totally closed that door on him. Maybe I left it ajar or a window open... I don't know... I'm not sure... I'm always open to possibilities... And, with him, by tagging him as "The Chosen One", there will always be a space for him in my heart.

So... Here I am... I am left with this uncomfortable feeling of, "What if?" What if I chose a different path in this junior internship? The problem with me is that I am too much after the chase... Yes, the chase... I'm chasing after someone who keeps chasing after another. Insert scene from "My Best Friend's Wedding" where Dermot Mulroney's chasing after Cameron Diaz while Julia Robert's chasing after Dermot Mulroney while Rupert Everett's on the phone with Julia talking some sense into her saying, "Who's chasing after you? No one!" Yes... I feel like Julia Roberts in this situation. No one's chasing after me. I'm the one, the only one doing all the work... I thought I had no regrets making this decision. But after what I heard yesterday, I feel like I'm starting to have them...

I can't fully explain what and how I'm feeling right now... But I'm definitely hurting... Because my heart seems to be searching for something it can't find... Or maybe it doesn't know what it's searching for. Now that I'm a clerk, I'm giving myself full permission to dwell in this misery. I thought I've already made my choice. I guess fate keeps playing with me, always getting TCO back in the picture when I already thought I've moved on. I have to think about this. I have to make sense out of this. I have to know what THIS IS exactly. I don't want to keep chasing after someone who's always after another person. And I don't want to be the person who just keeps waiting for someone who made me feel like I'm his option.

I just want to be somebody's somebody.

These Kind Souls

It's already 12:54 AM... Obviously, I'm still wide awake... Obviously, this is because of the adrenaline rush I got twelve hours ago. I have the perfect setting right now... I'm at home... My room is dark... I have so many thoughts running through my mind... I'm feeling things, emotions, and all that stuff...

Time to write an entry.

I've been thinking about what happened seven months ago and today, comparing the "both ends of the spectrum" feelings that I had on both moments. As a medical student, nothing compares to the pain of losing a hard-fought battle for something you wanted so bad. That's my situation seven months ago which have given birth to a lengthy unrelated-to-love entry entitled, "Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul" which has the most views amongst my entries to date.

Today, I can finally say that nothing compares to the happiness of being victorious in that battle you once lost. Yes! I passed. I passed one of the most critical subjects in med school. This is the reason why I am rejoicing right now even if I still have to wait for my other subjects' results before officially saying that I am a junior intern.

Seven months ago, I almost called it quits even if I had still had another exam to take. What was the point of going through it when I already knew that my worst med school fear has become my reality? But I had people who kept carrying me to my feet when I had no strength left to stand. These people, I call them FRIENDS.

I mentioned them before in my "Left Behind" entry. They're my friends/life advisers who's with me the whole year last year and who shook me to the core during my final week, and my newfound friends (at that time), the ones that caught me by surprise because I hadn't known them for THAT long and yet they were the ones who gave me the courage to finish my already lost race. So... Today... When I learned about the good news, I knew I had to with them. They were with me at my worst. They just had to be with me at my best. Being in their presence was, like, the icing on the yummiest med school cake! Even if I had to leave right away after checking out the results, I decided to stay in school for a while. I just wanted to cherish that moment of success and being with them in that moment. My perfect reward!

This entry isn't just about them. This is about my expression of gratitude towards each and every one who showed their support from the very beginning, especially during the past few months. I think I've said this before but I'll say this again... I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful people who know just how to lift my spirit when it forgot how to fly. This journey has been a long turbulent one but I was able to survive it because of you. I cannot thank you enough. You might think that I'm being melodramatic but this is just me, honestly saying how much I appreciate every small gesture you've shown me. Those small things may not mean much to you but it does to someone like me who's been through such a tough time. Thank you.... Thank you... May God bless you all!

So... One down, two more to go! Like I said seven months ago...

I'll see you guys on October 2014!

Unravelling The Untold Truth

18th of September 2014, 3 minutes before midnight

I'm in the middle of studying for my Gynecology finals when I suddenly had the urge to start this post... I had to... Before this day ends... I feel like I'm trying to beat the shot clock, scrambling to get this started... I might be posting/publishing this late but at least I started it on a day that is significant to me... And to the person who inspired this entry.

Today was a vacant day for me this week, our final exam week. Usually, I spend the whole day "locked up" in my dorm room, alternating studying and wasting my time on my iPad (like what I'm doing right now.). But today's different... I had something up my sleeve which meant deviating from my usual Thursday major exam week habit. I knew I had to do it soon because, knowing me, I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do (which was to study) if I haven't done this other thing I had planned for today. So... I did it... IT GOT DONE! That should put my mind at ease...

Well, I was wrong...

You know me... I don't go into detail about what happened but, let me tell you... IT WAS AWKWARD... Well, at least for me it was! It was SO awkward, I couldn't get myself focused on my studying. Every now and then, the scenario keeps replaying in my mind and then I burst out into an "I'm so stupid" rant then hit myself on the head with my clipboard.

Honestly, I built up this scenario days before I "executed" this plan... Nothing out of the ordinary, though... Nothing far from reality... I guess I just practiced, in my head, what I'd do and say... And maybe imagined his possible response: a simple thank you then maybe a hug? Then... IT happened... I did what I had planned to do... But somehow, I lost myself the moment I saw him... Even more so when he was standing right in front of me...! Like I said, I imagined this scenario days before... The hug was a half hug, though. It started so awkward because I had no idea if he gestured to do it so I leaned towards him and then ended up with that half hug. What caught me off guard was his question... I suddenly found myself smiling so stupidly at him, trying to think of something witty to say then I just answered plainly... A plain yet stupid answer... I hate myself...

This is it... I have come to this point... I lose all sense in his presence... Mind you, that wasn't the first time that happened... I used to be able to have a clever comeback whenever he says something witty. But now... My mind just draws a blank as if I'm letting him win by default. This is it... Everything has changed...

I think I'm in love with him...

I've been trying to deny this whole thing since he started "our thing." It was an unusual start. I wasn't used to experiencing what he did that I had to ask his friend if he was really like that. I didn't want to assume anything that's why I asked. When his friend told me about him, I dismissed the idea because he told me he's like that naturally. Touchy, text-y, chatty... I let him do that since I felt safe by his friend's assurance. But... At the back of my mind, I knew all that would lead into something else. Then again, at that time, I had The Chosen One on my mind so I, somehow, had this security that I won't fall into a trap.

Time passed... Many exchanges had happened... Then, one day... One of my good friends saw us at the bench having our usual friendly banters. I let her sit between us as we continued our non-sense. Then, she suddenly said something like, "You guys, you might eventually end up together with all that, huh!" I was so surprised by her remark that I let out a nervous, "Ha!" as if I was laughing the idea off. BUT... I clearly heard him say, "Why not?" When I heard that, I knew I had the wrong reaction. Why? Because I knew, that time, that I was starting to like him... I was just trying to avoid the idea... All because of The Chosen One.

I was afraid to admit the fact that I already liked him. I was afraid because I didn't want to let TCO go... Not just yet... I was still holding on to the possibility of something happening. It's as if I had my hope on TCO on life support and I just didn't want to pull the plug. And, another thing that I was afraid to admit was the fact that I liked two guys at the same time. I hated being that person. I hated being the person who couldn't decide who I liked better. And I'm not used to letting someone go because I was starting to like someone else. It's SO not me... I was used to dwelling in the misery of my heartache for months before finally getting back up and being able to say that I've moved on for real.

For months, I went back and forth between TCO and this guy. But when last semester was about to end, he had me... Not TCO... THIS GUY had me... The last couple of weeks last semester, somehow, I felt something changed. Maybe because I finally let myself feel what I wanted to feel... And I was feeling him. I will never forget the way he stared me down this one time. I was laughing giddily when he flat out stared me down. MY GOSH! I thought I was going to blow my cover. I almost did. I was SO tempted to tell him the truth but I just couldn't. I was never built to do something THAT brave and I didn't want to add "extracurricular drama" into our already dramatic academic life. So... Again... Concealed feelings... What's new, right?

Then TCO happened again... Blog entries right and left... Then, just when I was able to stay firm on my decision, here HE comes again! He's got nice timing... He just knows when to enter the picture... Somehow, I can't help but think that he knows when he's losing someone. The time when he re-entered the picture, we haven't had any communication for almost a couple of months. Out of the blue, he started things up again... And I, the most gullible person ever, fell for it...

Thus, the journal...
Thus, the two "Twist" entries...
Thus, letting TCO go...

I am DEFINITELY eating my words now... I said I wanted THIS to be as private as possible... I said I wasn't going to talk about him again... And what am I doing now? Pouring all this feelings crap about him... DAMN! This is really it, huh?

I have really fallen for him... Hard.. 

I still want to keep things private, though. I still have the journal. It took me a while after that last "Twist" entry to get started on it again. My mind was just a mess after that. Not that it isn't a mess right now. But at least, I have decided...


This is it... Another journey into heartbreak... Yes, I'm calling it now... I know it's going to end the same way... It always ends up with me trying to hold it together even if I badly want to fall apart. The story of my life... I thought I'd get used to it... But no... Each person is a different kind of heartache. Somehow I wonder if I learn anything from these experiences. Maybe I do... But the problem is each experience is always with a different person. I feel like ALL THIS is one big hurtful experiment... And I'm the mad scientist... I'm hoping, though, that one day, ALL THIS will make sense to me...

So... Scratch that "I will never talk about him again" statement I made before... Because here he is... Like I said in my very first entry, everybody needs an introduction... And THIS is his...

Take A Bow

I've been feeling this way for almost a month now... Or maybe even longer... It's almost like the circumstances these past few weeks have forced me to feel otherwise just so I can hold on to that certain feeling my heart yearns for. Though I know I'm going down the path by myself, at least I have that light to guide me to the possibilities I've built inside my head. But now... I'm not so sure anymore. Better yet, I'm sure I've reached this point.

This is it...

THIS IS THE END...

This is my farewell to The Chosen One...

I remember the last person I've, *ahem*, felt something like this before. There was a final act. It wasn't a graceful one, though. It was pretty emotional. I remember the day clearly. It was a November afternoon back in 2012. Two of my good friends and I were walking outside the school right after having lunch. We haven't talked about that certain person for quite some time but, somehow, we got to talking about him and something that happened to him that time. We already knew about it a month or so before and we've already talked about it several times. There wasn't anything different about the way we were talking about it but something triggered a part of me that just led to a breakdown. I was trying not let my tears fall since we were out in public but I was already too overwhelmed. My friends weren't expecting me to react like that. They apologized for talking about it but it wasn't their fault. I guess I was holding things in too much. THAT was the final act... That emotional breakdown... After that, everything suddenly got better... A better me and a better rekindled friendship.

I was waiting for something like that for this current "thing." I was already expecting something emotional. Flashback to that one entry I wrote when I got emotional listening to "his music." Maybe that's why I thought that I was last straw. I already knew that time, though, that it wasn't. But, again, THIS TIME... I'm certain that this is the final curtain call.

It came to me in, I guess, the most superficial thing. I did something right after writing the first "Twist" entry... Because my friend forced me to. She told me to do it so that I could cheer myself up. It was time to make myself happy, she said. So, I did it. I got favorable results the next day so... No regrets. But the days following it, I gradually felt like that spark was getting dim. The excitement, the thrill of waiting to see if he'd do what I did is gone... Just gone... 

The magic has faded...

I'm not under his spell anymore...

The feeling is gone...

Honestly, I feel bad for finally admitting this... Mainly because of all the admissions I've done. The things I've said about how he came to be The Chosen One... MY Chosen One... MY first choice... I mean, I knew this time will eventually come because, like I've said before, I'm going down a one-way street but I never really expected it to be over so soon. Maybe this is how things are if you fall for someone you BARELY know. There are no bases for the feelings to linger for a long time.

I'm pretty sure I never used "LOVE" in any of my entries about him... Pardon my harsh honesty but I know it was never love. You may not have noticed it but I was really careful in describing how I felt about him. Just because I said I fell for him doesn't mean I fell in love with him... That's why I always end in "fall." I was never in love. It was just a strong, unexplainable attraction... Which started with that thing he wears which looked like something Jared Leto wore. Ha! A shallow reason which led to deep dive.

A quotation posted by one of my Facebook contacts.
Waiting was my optimistic move.
It's time to move on now, though.

I'm letting this go... This feeling... I'm letting it go... For real, this time.

I'm thankful because I was introduced to that bright smile.

I'm thankful for the way he made me feel because, for the first time, I felt like I was an option.

I'm thankful because I've never learned so many lessons from one experience.

I am thankful.

From this point on, The Chosen One will be just like the other person I mentioned in this entry. He will just be a reference... A future reference which will, hopefully, help me to commit less mistakes.

No more curtain calls.

No more encores.

This is The Chosen One's final bow.

The Twist and Its Aftermath

Last night... Wow... Quite a reveal, huh? I know not a lot of people know about my blog but if you, yes, you, the reader, have a read some of my posts before, you'd be surprised that the last entry wasn't about The Chosen One. Yup... That was a curve ball...

I was browsing through my posts and I came upon "All Boxed Up." By the end of the first paragraph, I mentioned something about "shifting my attention to someone else." Well... Guess what? Last night's post is the very first post about that "someone else." And, unfortunately, things ended even before they began.

Well, things have begun a while back... Waaaaay back... I just haven't spoken about it... I mean, I just haven't blogged about it. I've told a few close friends but they were against it. Like I said last night, they already warned me about it. I should've taken that warning seriously... Lesson learned...

A friend of mine came to me last night right after reading my post. I was, actually, surprised because I was ready to end the day with the weight of the situation still on my shoulders. THANK GOD she knocked on my door, really hard, as if there was some kind of emergency. She even called out, "Jared!" (She calls me "Jared's girl" because I have a massive crush on Jared Leto.) Haha! Leave it to my friend to make a serious matter become a little less serious. We talked in the darkness of the study area, the perfect ambiance to tell her my untold truth. She, too, was surprised when I told her who the person was. She had another person in mind... So... See? CURVE BALL! I don't think anybody saw this one coming. I guess that's the outcome of keeping mum on something for once.

I'm feeling better now... A lot better... I've been feeling better since my friend and had that talk last night. I guess I just needed to let it all out for me to be able to let it go and accept the fact that I've been foolish... Yet again. Yes, I blame myself for this one... Well, I think I've been blaming myself for all my heartaches lately because I know I should've known better. Yes, I should known better... Like my trusted friends/life advisers did.

Last Friday, I had a nice talk with another friend of mine about matters of the heart over breakfast. She told me something that I was too afraid to accept... "Heartaches are inevitable. You really need to go through all that and endure them." In my mind, I was, like, "NOOOOO!!!" But I knew that was true. She also told me that there's a possibility that I could also lose people in the process but it all depends on the situation. Getting hurt and losing people... Those are the things I'm most afraid of when it comes to liking/loving someone. But, I guess it's really part of life. The sad part of life. I guess I thought I've been wearing this armor to keep myself from getting hurt when, all this time, it really couldn't protect me.

So... This person... I don't think I'll ever write about him again... I'll still continue that journal but I won't be writing about him here... This is the last time you'll ever read about him and how I felt about him. THIS was a slip up... THIS was a fluke... And THIS just proves why The Chosen One is STILL The Chosen One...

The Twist and Its Heartbreak

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while now... But something else has been keeping me busy... That SOMETHING was the one I was supposed to write about. Yes, THIS entry will be about it... But there will be something more... Something that could potentially lead to the sudden end of what I've been doing lately.

Yes... I love to blog... I've been blogging for years now. I think I started on Friendster. I forgot what feature that was but that's when I started making my thoughts public. Before that, it was the good old journal writing... "Diary" as some would call it. I had a few of them when I was a kid. Not every one of them's filled, though. I start then I get tired because my hands just can't seem to keep up with my thoughts. Maybe that's why I started blogging. It's just faster to type than to write. Not an excuse to make my thoughts public, though, but still... Typing... And it made sure that what I've written's saved... FOREVER... Well, that was until Friendster went into this transition phase and stopped being the social site we came to know and love. Goodbye, photos... Goodbye, blog... Forever in my memories, though.

Now, THIS. My Blogger site. So far, I've written about 2 things here: my [sad] academic life, and my so-called love life... And under the latter, I've introduced 2 people... "The Other Guy" and "The Chosen One." I've recently added something to my site which showed the frequency of labels I've used. TCO topped the charts. But, of course, most of the time, I've talked about the crashes and the burns of my TCO experience.

Last week, I've decided to go old school. I've started journal writing again. That's what's keeping my busy these days. Well, I'm only a few days into it and I feel like I've already lost momentum. One thing I've noticed about my current journal is I only write when I'm either not in the mood to study or when I find my mind wandering off, thinking about the reason why I started it. I've been pretty busy with school and other stuff over the weekend so I haven't written anything since then.

The reason why I went old school is I've come to a point where I want things to be private... At least for the time being. This one's so private, nobody else knows about this... (Until now.) I wanted something tangible, something I could have with me all the time just in case something pops into my mind and I needed a quick release... And I wanted something I could hand down to the person I'm writing about.

I gave the journal a title. A title that, at first glance, seems innocent... But it has a meaning which I don't plan to get into details here... The journal's content is, somehow, unlike the other journals and blogs I've had before. This time, you'd easily recognize the people involved because there are names. Yes, no more codes, no more hashtags... Although, I still hashtagged TCO. I dropped the cryptic nature of my writing more than a couple of notches. I've made it easily relatable to the people who know me. I mean, I do not intend to make it public. Like I said, it's private. I just made it easy for the one who will read it easy to understand.

Yes, I started it with the intention of giving it to the person involved. It's my untold truth. Nobody knows about it. Not even my most trusted friends/life advisers. This truth was something I wanted to keep to myself for a change. I wanted to see if I can handle it on my own. But, tonight proved that I wasn't strong enough to do it alone.

My friends/life advisers have warned me about this. I listened... I did... Believe me... I was doing fine until, more or less, a couple of weeks ago when things started up again. I was, like, "Wow... Nice timing..." I didn't want to fall for anything because I kept reminding myself of what my friends told me. I wanted to just go with the flow. But... I was just too weak. I didn't want to show and/or tell anybody that I've given in because they've already given me the cons if I get myself in a situation involving him. This was definitely a moment of weakness. I guess I was also testing myself how far I can go with this, how long this would last, and if it would end the way I want things to end for once.

This afternoon, I found out that I can never go further with this. I learned the news from a friend of mine when I was telling a story about him. In the middle of that story, she dropped the news. Then, my heart dropped. Everything just started dropping. I was trying to confirm what I heard, asking her, trying to fish more information without being obvious. I laughed... I was laughing with a broken heart. Can you imagine how hard that was? I feel like I deserve an award for that level of acting.

After spending a few more hours with them (I had to. I was too devastated to be alone.), I finally decided to break my silence. I told my guy friend/life adviser about it (Thank God he was online!) because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I needed something... Words of comfort, advice, a wake up call, a slap on the face, ANYTHING! Again, he went back to what he's been telling me from the very beginning. CONTROL. "Control your emotions. Don't let it take over you." That's what he said. And I agree... A thousand percent! I get myself into this deep hell hole when I lose control. I just can't help it, sometimes. I crave for that feeling too much that I forget the consequences. Is there anything wrong with that? But I think, no, I know where he's getting at. If I don't want the heartache, control everything. And never lose it! Another lesson learned the hard way, huh?

I'm not crying over it, though. I don't think I will. Maybe because this time, I've prepared myself for the worse. The problem is I also set myself up for another heartbreak. I made myself open to all possibilities because, somehow, I already knew what I was getting myself into. As in, full knowledge of what the situation could end up being. I've been warned and yet I chose to take the path anyway. Yup, my bad... I may not be crying but I do feel like I'm having a hard time breathing... A heartbreak is still a heartache, you know.

I'm not sure if I'll stop writing that journal. Besides, it has a purpose. I want to give it a chance to serve its purpose (not like that unopened present...) . Not now, though. And I hope not in the near future. I've stated my reason as to why I started that journal somewhere in its pages. A morbid thought, though... But you'll never know. I just think the person deserves to know what's been going on and how he's making me feel. Like I said, the untold truth... And the truth is...

The journal is NOT about The Chosen One.

Almost Out of Hiding: My One-Way Conversation With The Chosen One

Hi...

So... Before anything else... Here are some things I want you to know about my current status:

1. The prelims was this week... And I took my last exam today... With that being said, I am sleep-deprived.
2. Based on my iPad, it's already 10:24 in the evening... I've been awake since around the same time last night. Between last night and this moment, I've had two 15-minute naps. Not enough...

I wanted you to know those premises for you to understand that I am running on pure emotional high... I think. That is where I'm getting all this energy to say the following to you. Maybe all this won't make much sense but I just had to let them all out. Some things just have to be said...

So, why am I on an emotional high? Well, I saw this thing you posted... About choices... Funny you should post that because I've "hashtagged" you (my modern way of saying I've given you a code name... SO high school, right?) as "The Chosen One." Why that? Well, I think I've explained it before on a previous entry but maybe you'll find out as we go on in this conversation.

Going back... About that post... I have to say... My heart got crushed. If I was alone in the room when I saw it, I could've cried... Really... 

I don't want to assume anything but based on observation, guys rarely share those kinds of posts. The guys I know, at least. They rarely share emotional stuff, unless that emotion is funny. But you... I've noticed that you've been posting similar "shot-through-the-heart" stuff lately. I can't help but think that someone's making you feel something... Love? Heartbroken? I don't know... But that's how I've been perceiving things. I know you don't like that serious stuff so there's a possibility that you posted it just for the sake of sharing that oh-my-gosh punchline. But there's that other possibility that you really ARE serious about it. So... My heart aches because I know what it's like to have unreciprocated feelings. I've been through stuff like that almost my whole life. And it hurts. It's the same kind of pain inflicted by different people. It's torture. It's almost masochistic even. But we choose to go through it just to feel that certain kind of happiness no other person could give you. Just like what you said... #feels...

As soon as I saw that, I tweeted something... I had to... This is what I posted:

"If you're somebody's second choice, well... Let me tell you now...

YOU ARE MY FIRST... ❤️

#TheChosenOne"

Yes... You are... You deserve to know that. Even if the one you like (if not love) is making you feel like you're her second option, I want you to know that YOU are on top of my list. You are my first choice. YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE.

I may not have the valid reasons why you are... But, sometimes, these things need not be explained. They just need to be felt. I've said this before and I'll say it again... I have no clue why you make me feel this way... I just do...

You need to know that you have become someone's first choice... Because I've felt how it is to be nobody's. But, honestly, there was a time when you made me feel that I was yours... If not the first choice, at least I felt like I was an option... YOUR option... Call me assuming, call me imaginative, call me whatever you want but YES. That's how I felt. That's how you made me feel... Until now, I can't help but look back on why we suddenly felt like we never had those moments. I know there were only a few... But they were truly significant to me.

So there... That's out... I guess in life, we will always feel like we're only just an option to our first choice... But we're so wrapped up in that sad fact, we've become blind to the possibility that we could be somebody else's first choice... To that reality that we've already become somebody else's first choice. And that is the point of all this... I want to open your eyes to the fact that you are, indeed, #TheChosenOne... MY chosen one... You didn't have to do anything... You didn't have to say anything... Without rhyme or reason and without you even realizing it, I chose YOU. I'm not saying that in the hopes of you eventually having the same feelings for me (though, that won't be so bad). I'm only saying that so that you won't feel bad about being "the second choice."

You don't deserve rank number 2... In my eyes, you will NEVER be number 2...

Sorry... Sorry if I had to say these things here. I'm not brave enough to say it to you. I already had that experience once and that moment was just too hard. I can never say things like these with a straight face. And I don't think I would want you to see me with my shield down. This is the only way, I think, I can tell you the things that should be said without a sniff or a tear being in the way... Sorry...

Oh, by the way... Thank you for smiling at me the other day. It made walking under the bright, hot sun worth it.