Take A Bow

I've been feeling this way for almost a month now... Or maybe even longer... It's almost like the circumstances these past few weeks have forced me to feel otherwise just so I can hold on to that certain feeling my heart yearns for. Though I know I'm going down the path by myself, at least I have that light to guide me to the possibilities I've built inside my head. But now... I'm not so sure anymore. Better yet, I'm sure I've reached this point.

This is it...

THIS IS THE END...

This is my farewell to The Chosen One...

I remember the last person I've, *ahem*, felt something like this before. There was a final act. It wasn't a graceful one, though. It was pretty emotional. I remember the day clearly. It was a November afternoon back in 2012. Two of my good friends and I were walking outside the school right after having lunch. We haven't talked about that certain person for quite some time but, somehow, we got to talking about him and something that happened to him that time. We already knew about it a month or so before and we've already talked about it several times. There wasn't anything different about the way we were talking about it but something triggered a part of me that just led to a breakdown. I was trying not let my tears fall since we were out in public but I was already too overwhelmed. My friends weren't expecting me to react like that. They apologized for talking about it but it wasn't their fault. I guess I was holding things in too much. THAT was the final act... That emotional breakdown... After that, everything suddenly got better... A better me and a better rekindled friendship.

I was waiting for something like that for this current "thing." I was already expecting something emotional. Flashback to that one entry I wrote when I got emotional listening to "his music." Maybe that's why I thought that I was last straw. I already knew that time, though, that it wasn't. But, again, THIS TIME... I'm certain that this is the final curtain call.

It came to me in, I guess, the most superficial thing. I did something right after writing the first "Twist" entry... Because my friend forced me to. She told me to do it so that I could cheer myself up. It was time to make myself happy, she said. So, I did it. I got favorable results the next day so... No regrets. But the days following it, I gradually felt like that spark was getting dim. The excitement, the thrill of waiting to see if he'd do what I did is gone... Just gone... 

The magic has faded...

I'm not under his spell anymore...

The feeling is gone...

Honestly, I feel bad for finally admitting this... Mainly because of all the admissions I've done. The things I've said about how he came to be The Chosen One... MY Chosen One... MY first choice... I mean, I knew this time will eventually come because, like I've said before, I'm going down a one-way street but I never really expected it to be over so soon. Maybe this is how things are if you fall for someone you BARELY know. There are no bases for the feelings to linger for a long time.

I'm pretty sure I never used "LOVE" in any of my entries about him... Pardon my harsh honesty but I know it was never love. You may not have noticed it but I was really careful in describing how I felt about him. Just because I said I fell for him doesn't mean I fell in love with him... That's why I always end in "fall." I was never in love. It was just a strong, unexplainable attraction... Which started with that thing he wears which looked like something Jared Leto wore. Ha! A shallow reason which led to deep dive.

A quotation posted by one of my Facebook contacts.
Waiting was my optimistic move.
It's time to move on now, though.

I'm letting this go... This feeling... I'm letting it go... For real, this time.

I'm thankful because I was introduced to that bright smile.

I'm thankful for the way he made me feel because, for the first time, I felt like I was an option.

I'm thankful because I've never learned so many lessons from one experience.

I am thankful.

From this point on, The Chosen One will be just like the other person I mentioned in this entry. He will just be a reference... A future reference which will, hopefully, help me to commit less mistakes.

No more curtain calls.

No more encores.

This is The Chosen One's final bow.

All Boxed Up

2nd of June 2014, 23:18H

This is long overdue. I've been wanting to write this... My supposed final post about The Chosen One... I guess my mind wandered off, trying to move on from my tragic fall. I intentionally kept my mind off things that could remind me of my failure... Including him. I, somehow, succeeded. I drowned myself in things I wanted to do in the time I was given. I even shifted my attention onto somebody else... But that's another story to tell...

A few weeks into my summer vacation, I dropped by the school to give presents from our family R&R to a couple of my friends. But that wasn't the only reason... There's an unopened gift left in my locker. It's been there since the beginning of the year. At that time, two and a half months have already passed... It's high time I got it out of there. 

A reminder of what was never expressed.

After catching up with my friends, I went to my locker to get that gift. As I opened the door, it was, like, things started spilling over... I guess they're more like feelings... Feelings I let out but was forced to push back in because I was led to believe that they were worth letting go of. I stared at the box for a couple of seconds thinking, "This is it. This gift will never serve its purpose."

It's a sad thought, really. Gifts are meant to be opened so that the receiver could feel how special he/she is to the giver. They're supposed to give happiness to both of them. But since the present remained tied up, all those feelings will also stay in there all boxed up... Just like the feelings I felt (and, maybe, still feeling) for him.

I'm holding back tears as I write this, listening to the artist he recommended (which I also used as an excuse, a very lame one, to get a conversation going over the Christmas break... Such a failure, though.) It's torture... But I guess when it comes to these things, I can't help but let myself feel the sadness, the hurt, the disappointment as intense as possible so that, in one fell swoop, I can move on without JUST SAYING I can move on.

Now... The night of the first day back in school... I was trying hard NOT to write this because I know I have to focus on my academics... But I just can't help but think about what I thought of last night...

"There's a chance I might see him tomorrow."

He's already a semester ahead of me... But I remembered my brother telling us what rotation comes after what... So, in a non-"stalker" kind of way, I knew what rotation he's in now. Walking to school this afternoon, I was feeling a bit jittery... That's where my jitters came from... Not because it was the first day but because of the thought that I might see him... As I entered the building, I took a chance and decided to pass by the area where he might be staying, where I might see him. But I kept my eyes steady. I didn't look around. I was thinking, "If I see him even if I wasn't looking, then fine. If not, then it's fine, too." The latter happened, though. 

I was a bit disappointed, to be quite honest. Of course, I wanted to see him. It's been more than three months. Seeing him in photos posted by a former batchmate of mine who happened to be his groupmate wasn't enough. Seeing how he was doing through his own posts on this certain site (NOT Facebook... We're not Facebook friends... Yes, that's a clue.) wasn't enough. And because I wasn't able to see him this afternoon, I suddenly had the urge to check his account tonight especially since I haven't seen any of his posts lately. He had a few since his last post that I saw. But even that, giving in, indulging myself into something I was trying hard not to do, wasn't enough. That was the last straw. I already lost focus on what I was studying... Thus... This post. I had to let this all out... And after months of not being able to find the right words to write, they all came crashing down on me on that single moment of indulgence.

I told myself that I wanted to start this semester on a clean slate because I badly need to keep focused on my studies. That's what I plan to do. I don't think I'm failing at that plan. Maybe that slate is a new one... And I still have the old one in hand, stained by the past.

I'd like to close this chapter now... I'd like to take that final bow... I'd like to think this is the purpose of this post... I'm just not sure if I'll be able to keep my word. Tonight's sudden gush of emotions felt like an admonition. Come to think of it, not all endings are true endings... Some have cliffhangers... I'm not a fan of them, though. I don't like hanging onto something, not knowing what could lie ahead of me. But I guess it's time to get used to it. Maybe in the long run, I could forget how it feels to be left hanging.

I've said this a few times before... My friend/life adviser told me that he can easily pick things up... So, TO YOU... Just in case you decided to read what I have posted (nope, I'm not going to say "just in case you STUMBLE upon this..." since I posted this on every social networking account I have), this is what's going on in my head. That's what happened... THIS is how you made me feel... Whether you decide to take pride or take offense in what I've said, it's all up to you. I'm not starting any drama. I'm just telling the truth... The truth about how you made me feel.

I'm sorry...

Thank you...

Though the gift remains unopened, I guess my feelings aren't all boxed up anymore, huh? 

Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul

22nd of February 2014

I just came from a war... That was quite a war I fought. What was supposed to be only a week-long battle extended into two... Today was the last day... Some came out of it feeling like there's still hope... I, on the other hand, came out badly burnt, bruised, bloody and everything else in between, with no hope for me to hold on to...

I LOST...

I might be calling this too early but somehow, I've lost the will to hope for the best. Looking back, I knew this was going to be quite a semester. I was afraid of this semester... Because this semester last year was when I got held back. For the second time. I guess I was dismissing that feeling the whole time. I wanted to change my fate. But I kept giving in to what I wanted to do instead of doing what I needed to do. I have no one else to blame but myself. So... I am here... Again... Déjà vu... The one I didn't want to have...

"The time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted."

I think I saw that quotation posted on my news feed by one of the pages I'm following on Facebook. Now that I'm at THIS point, I know I've wasted a lot of time... BUT I don't regret a single minute of my "wasted time". I spent them all with the people I want to be with, and doing things I never got to do when I was at the age when I was supposed to do them... I remember telling a friend of mine a couple of days ago, "My social life improved but my academic life suffered." Now, THAT'S the downside of it all... Whoops! Stop imagining nights out with friends and doing stuff I don't normally do... When I say "social life", I meant my world got a little bit bigger this semester. I had a lot of time on my hands and I took advantage of it in a different way... I met new people... Started doing THIS, blogging, once again, adding more entries here and starting a new blog inspired by "The Other Guy"... And, the one that affected me the most, "The Chosen One". I'm not placing blame on anyone, just to clarify things... It's still ME who has the problem. I guess my Instagram account would be the perfect reflection of what happened to me these past few months. I admit it... I LOST FOCUS... And it was already too late when I realized it. 

A couple of days before the week of our final exam, I was ranting to my friends because someone said some things to me that really got me down and made me feel like they've lost their faith in me. Then my really good friend/life adviser said something that really hit me hard, "I'm going to ask you this, Aix. What's the problem? Are you really doing and giving your best?" Just like that, he snapped me back to reality. Am I really doing my best? I did a quick flashback on my academic life. I never really did my best on anything but, somehow, and I say this with modesty, things just kept falling where they're supposed to... Until I entered med school. Four years into this and I feel like I'm still adjusting... It's so weird... I guess this is the consequence of NEVER having study habits.

My friend made me realize that I haven't been doing my best at all... I knew I wasn't pushing as hard as the others despite the fact that the competition was fierce. I was afraid I'd get burned out so early in the semester. It happened to me once during my 2nd semester in 2nd year. That time, I already got held back for one semester. I knew I had to hustle so I did. I thought I wasn't going to last. In the end, I took only one removal exam... 

I knew what I had to do... I told myself that I'd do what I did that semester in the succeeding ones... I knew I had to go through all that sacrifice again... Because I knew what the outcome would be... But I didn't do it. I easily gave in to my distractions and kept my mind busy with other things that shouldn't have taken up space in my head. Like I said, it's too late... And now I can't do anything about it.

I guess the only positive thing I can take from this heartbreaking situation is the overwhelming support I got/I've been getting from my friends. I told myself I won't cry over what happened to me because I knew I'd lose my strength, physically and mentally, if I did. I stayed strong. But on the first day of the pre-promotion board exam week, I posted something that got an unexpected response. Good thing I saw it after the exam because I broke down... I broke down hard... I knew I had a small chance of passing that exam... I was already believing I was going to fail it because I wanted to get ready for another subject that I had a feeling I was also going to take the removals in... But that post and the people who responded to it made me lose it. From that day onwards, I started losing my strength but it was them that kept me alive... 

As the week went on, I started realizing even more how lucky I am to have found people who knew what to say or do to keep me going. I just became friends with a group from the upper batch and, I must say, they just took my breath away. I felt a bit uneasy when I ran to them for comfort but they welcomed me with open arms. The kind of support they gave me when I'd already let go gave me that push to finish my tumultuous race. I am amazed... I am blessed...

Now that the end has come, I know I've taken a lot from the past semester. One sure thing is to not give in to my distractions... I know I might slip once or twice but I should give more time on what I should be doing. I am student. I am a medical student. I should be studying medicine. Like one of my good friends told me (and wrote down), "Eyes on the prize. Focus on your mark." There's an inside joke there but the idea coincides with what I should do to achieve the goal. Yes, FOCUS...! I'll make sure I won't lose it this time.

Lastly... To all the people who showed their concern, and made me feel that I am truly cared for and that I am in their thoughts and prayers... You know who you are... First, I want to apologize if ever I've disappointed you for not making it. If I made you feel like your support went nowhere, I want you to know that it didn't. It helped me finish my battle when I've got no fight left in me. With that said... Words cannot express how truly thankful I am. You might think I'm being overly dramatic but for someone like me who's going through a really tough time, one simple act of support means the world to me. Thank you... Thank you... My heart is swelling with gratitude. Though I feel like my world is shattering, I've never felt so lucky and so loved. I thank God for every single one of you. Thank you. Thank you. You saved me in ways you cannot imagine.

The next few months are going to be rough... Recovering from what I've been through might take a while but I need to start somewhere... I'm going to take every single thing I've learned from the past few months to build my game plan. I'll make sure it'll work this time.

I'll see you guys on October 2014...