The Twist and Its Heartbreak

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while now... But something else has been keeping me busy... That SOMETHING was the one I was supposed to write about. Yes, THIS entry will be about it... But there will be something more... Something that could potentially lead to the sudden end of what I've been doing lately.

Yes... I love to blog... I've been blogging for years now. I think I started on Friendster. I forgot what feature that was but that's when I started making my thoughts public. Before that, it was the good old journal writing... "Diary" as some would call it. I had a few of them when I was a kid. Not every one of them's filled, though. I start then I get tired because my hands just can't seem to keep up with my thoughts. Maybe that's why I started blogging. It's just faster to type than to write. Not an excuse to make my thoughts public, though, but still... Typing... And it made sure that what I've written's saved... FOREVER... Well, that was until Friendster went into this transition phase and stopped being the social site we came to know and love. Goodbye, photos... Goodbye, blog... Forever in my memories, though.

Now, THIS. My Blogger site. So far, I've written about 2 things here: my [sad] academic life, and my so-called love life... And under the latter, I've introduced 2 people... "The Other Guy" and "The Chosen One." I've recently added something to my site which showed the frequency of labels I've used. TCO topped the charts. But, of course, most of the time, I've talked about the crashes and the burns of my TCO experience.

Last week, I've decided to go old school. I've started journal writing again. That's what's keeping my busy these days. Well, I'm only a few days into it and I feel like I've already lost momentum. One thing I've noticed about my current journal is I only write when I'm either not in the mood to study or when I find my mind wandering off, thinking about the reason why I started it. I've been pretty busy with school and other stuff over the weekend so I haven't written anything since then.

The reason why I went old school is I've come to a point where I want things to be private... At least for the time being. This one's so private, nobody else knows about this... (Until now.) I wanted something tangible, something I could have with me all the time just in case something pops into my mind and I needed a quick release... And I wanted something I could hand down to the person I'm writing about.

I gave the journal a title. A title that, at first glance, seems innocent... But it has a meaning which I don't plan to get into details here... The journal's content is, somehow, unlike the other journals and blogs I've had before. This time, you'd easily recognize the people involved because there are names. Yes, no more codes, no more hashtags... Although, I still hashtagged TCO. I dropped the cryptic nature of my writing more than a couple of notches. I've made it easily relatable to the people who know me. I mean, I do not intend to make it public. Like I said, it's private. I just made it easy for the one who will read it easy to understand.

Yes, I started it with the intention of giving it to the person involved. It's my untold truth. Nobody knows about it. Not even my most trusted friends/life advisers. This truth was something I wanted to keep to myself for a change. I wanted to see if I can handle it on my own. But, tonight proved that I wasn't strong enough to do it alone.

My friends/life advisers have warned me about this. I listened... I did... Believe me... I was doing fine until, more or less, a couple of weeks ago when things started up again. I was, like, "Wow... Nice timing..." I didn't want to fall for anything because I kept reminding myself of what my friends told me. I wanted to just go with the flow. But... I was just too weak. I didn't want to show and/or tell anybody that I've given in because they've already given me the cons if I get myself in a situation involving him. This was definitely a moment of weakness. I guess I was also testing myself how far I can go with this, how long this would last, and if it would end the way I want things to end for once.

This afternoon, I found out that I can never go further with this. I learned the news from a friend of mine when I was telling a story about him. In the middle of that story, she dropped the news. Then, my heart dropped. Everything just started dropping. I was trying to confirm what I heard, asking her, trying to fish more information without being obvious. I laughed... I was laughing with a broken heart. Can you imagine how hard that was? I feel like I deserve an award for that level of acting.

After spending a few more hours with them (I had to. I was too devastated to be alone.), I finally decided to break my silence. I told my guy friend/life adviser about it (Thank God he was online!) because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I needed something... Words of comfort, advice, a wake up call, a slap on the face, ANYTHING! Again, he went back to what he's been telling me from the very beginning. CONTROL. "Control your emotions. Don't let it take over you." That's what he said. And I agree... A thousand percent! I get myself into this deep hell hole when I lose control. I just can't help it, sometimes. I crave for that feeling too much that I forget the consequences. Is there anything wrong with that? But I think, no, I know where he's getting at. If I don't want the heartache, control everything. And never lose it! Another lesson learned the hard way, huh?

I'm not crying over it, though. I don't think I will. Maybe because this time, I've prepared myself for the worse. The problem is I also set myself up for another heartbreak. I made myself open to all possibilities because, somehow, I already knew what I was getting myself into. As in, full knowledge of what the situation could end up being. I've been warned and yet I chose to take the path anyway. Yup, my bad... I may not be crying but I do feel like I'm having a hard time breathing... A heartbreak is still a heartache, you know.

I'm not sure if I'll stop writing that journal. Besides, it has a purpose. I want to give it a chance to serve its purpose (not like that unopened present...) . Not now, though. And I hope not in the near future. I've stated my reason as to why I started that journal somewhere in its pages. A morbid thought, though... But you'll never know. I just think the person deserves to know what's been going on and how he's making me feel. Like I said, the untold truth... And the truth is...

The journal is NOT about The Chosen One.

Almost Out of Hiding: My One-Way Conversation With The Chosen One

Hi...

So... Before anything else... Here are some things I want you to know about my current status:

1. The prelims was this week... And I took my last exam today... With that being said, I am sleep-deprived.
2. Based on my iPad, it's already 10:24 in the evening... I've been awake since around the same time last night. Between last night and this moment, I've had two 15-minute naps. Not enough...

I wanted you to know those premises for you to understand that I am running on pure emotional high... I think. That is where I'm getting all this energy to say the following to you. Maybe all this won't make much sense but I just had to let them all out. Some things just have to be said...

So, why am I on an emotional high? Well, I saw this thing you posted... About choices... Funny you should post that because I've "hashtagged" you (my modern way of saying I've given you a code name... SO high school, right?) as "The Chosen One." Why that? Well, I think I've explained it before on a previous entry but maybe you'll find out as we go on in this conversation.

Going back... About that post... I have to say... My heart got crushed. If I was alone in the room when I saw it, I could've cried... Really... 

I don't want to assume anything but based on observation, guys rarely share those kinds of posts. The guys I know, at least. They rarely share emotional stuff, unless that emotion is funny. But you... I've noticed that you've been posting similar "shot-through-the-heart" stuff lately. I can't help but think that someone's making you feel something... Love? Heartbroken? I don't know... But that's how I've been perceiving things. I know you don't like that serious stuff so there's a possibility that you posted it just for the sake of sharing that oh-my-gosh punchline. But there's that other possibility that you really ARE serious about it. So... My heart aches because I know what it's like to have unreciprocated feelings. I've been through stuff like that almost my whole life. And it hurts. It's the same kind of pain inflicted by different people. It's torture. It's almost masochistic even. But we choose to go through it just to feel that certain kind of happiness no other person could give you. Just like what you said... #feels...

As soon as I saw that, I tweeted something... I had to... This is what I posted:

"If you're somebody's second choice, well... Let me tell you now...

YOU ARE MY FIRST... ❤️

#TheChosenOne"

Yes... You are... You deserve to know that. Even if the one you like (if not love) is making you feel like you're her second option, I want you to know that YOU are on top of my list. You are my first choice. YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE.

I may not have the valid reasons why you are... But, sometimes, these things need not be explained. They just need to be felt. I've said this before and I'll say it again... I have no clue why you make me feel this way... I just do...

You need to know that you have become someone's first choice... Because I've felt how it is to be nobody's. But, honestly, there was a time when you made me feel that I was yours... If not the first choice, at least I felt like I was an option... YOUR option... Call me assuming, call me imaginative, call me whatever you want but YES. That's how I felt. That's how you made me feel... Until now, I can't help but look back on why we suddenly felt like we never had those moments. I know there were only a few... But they were truly significant to me.

So there... That's out... I guess in life, we will always feel like we're only just an option to our first choice... But we're so wrapped up in that sad fact, we've become blind to the possibility that we could be somebody else's first choice... To that reality that we've already become somebody else's first choice. And that is the point of all this... I want to open your eyes to the fact that you are, indeed, #TheChosenOne... MY chosen one... You didn't have to do anything... You didn't have to say anything... Without rhyme or reason and without you even realizing it, I chose YOU. I'm not saying that in the hopes of you eventually having the same feelings for me (though, that won't be so bad). I'm only saying that so that you won't feel bad about being "the second choice."

You don't deserve rank number 2... In my eyes, you will NEVER be number 2...

Sorry... Sorry if I had to say these things here. I'm not brave enough to say it to you. I already had that experience once and that moment was just too hard. I can never say things like these with a straight face. And I don't think I would want you to see me with my shield down. This is the only way, I think, I can tell you the things that should be said without a sniff or a tear being in the way... Sorry...

Oh, by the way... Thank you for smiling at me the other day. It made walking under the bright, hot sun worth it.

The Way You Look At Me

DISCLAIMER: Do not be fooled by the title of this entry...

That phrase usually signifies something sweet... It might even remind you of local artist Christian Bautista's first hit record... Yes, it's a good song. Yes, it's a love song.

But NOT in my case...

By this time you already know that if I write something, there are things that MUST be said. And today's just one of those days that just triggered me to do so. I'm actually in the middle of studying Cardiology but my mind just can't stop thinking about what happened today. Though my day started out pretty well because I got to saw this guy (who my friends are rooting for), the events as the day progressed got me feeling giddy, disappointed, frustrated and paranoid (yet again) all at the same time.

I was about to finish another blog entry about today when I realized... I need not go into details... Which was pretty much what that other entry had... What I really want is to just get these feelings off my chest so that I could get back to what I should be doing...

WHAT THE HECK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I do not mean that in an argumentative, yes-I-am-angry sort of way. I'm not mad... I don't even want to argue. I just want to know what happened... I tweeted this moments before starting this entry:

"You look at me as if you didn't start our first conversation... As if I didn't give you what you asked of me... As if we were strangers..."

Is that what we've become? STRANGERS? I mean, The Chosen One and I were never close, I know... But with the very few encounters (a couple, to be exact) we had since I got back in school, I've been getting this vibe like we were never classmates for a whole year, like he never drank the water I was drinking during our Christmas party just so he could give me a swig of his beer, like we didn't have our own moment a few minutes before a major exam... Like he never knew me...

COME ON, MAN!

What happened? Was I the only one keeping track last December? Because, honestly, I felt like I was the only one... Okay, let's not count my friends here... But... That was my month with him...

DECEMBER WAS MY MONTH WITH YOU...

I'm still not mad... Seriously, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out why he looked at me that way at lunch... It was somewhere in between a sharp gaze and a blank stare. So damn cold... It pierced right through me as if its only purpose was to make me bleed... And then this afternoon, why can't he look at me when I asked him something? Yes, I get that my friend started the conversation but, excuse me, I was also there.

Looking back at those encounters, I can't help but conclude that he has read my previous entries and that he's mad at me for telling the truth. Sometimes I wish we could bump into each when we're both alone just to see if he'd say something... But from how I see things right now, I feel like he won't.

Yes, I felt giddy after seeing him today... I was so giddy that I posted that as my Facebook status as soon as I got back here in my dorm room. But after more than an hour of sleep, that feeling went away as if my senses were knocked right back into me and all that was left was nothing but unanswered questions.

To TCO... Again, if you stumble upon this... PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME... I know you don't like the serious stuff but I'm hoping you could make an exception... Even if I know I don't deserve being your exception. It's not that I'm getting tired of wondering what happened. I just want to start a friendship with you, if that's possible. Based on the few conversations we've had, I know we could be good friends. I think I've said that before in my letter addressed to you... And deserves to be said again. The friendship is a possibility... It's what I'm hoping for...

You are in control... Since the beginning... It has never left your hands...

All Boxed Up

2nd of June 2014, 23:18H

This is long overdue. I've been wanting to write this... My supposed final post about The Chosen One... I guess my mind wandered off, trying to move on from my tragic fall. I intentionally kept my mind off things that could remind me of my failure... Including him. I, somehow, succeeded. I drowned myself in things I wanted to do in the time I was given. I even shifted my attention onto somebody else... But that's another story to tell...

A few weeks into my summer vacation, I dropped by the school to give presents from our family R&R to a couple of my friends. But that wasn't the only reason... There's an unopened gift left in my locker. It's been there since the beginning of the year. At that time, two and a half months have already passed... It's high time I got it out of there. 

A reminder of what was never expressed.

After catching up with my friends, I went to my locker to get that gift. As I opened the door, it was, like, things started spilling over... I guess they're more like feelings... Feelings I let out but was forced to push back in because I was led to believe that they were worth letting go of. I stared at the box for a couple of seconds thinking, "This is it. This gift will never serve its purpose."

It's a sad thought, really. Gifts are meant to be opened so that the receiver could feel how special he/she is to the giver. They're supposed to give happiness to both of them. But since the present remained tied up, all those feelings will also stay in there all boxed up... Just like the feelings I felt (and, maybe, still feeling) for him.

I'm holding back tears as I write this, listening to the artist he recommended (which I also used as an excuse, a very lame one, to get a conversation going over the Christmas break... Such a failure, though.) It's torture... But I guess when it comes to these things, I can't help but let myself feel the sadness, the hurt, the disappointment as intense as possible so that, in one fell swoop, I can move on without JUST SAYING I can move on.

Now... The night of the first day back in school... I was trying hard NOT to write this because I know I have to focus on my academics... But I just can't help but think about what I thought of last night...

"There's a chance I might see him tomorrow."

He's already a semester ahead of me... But I remembered my brother telling us what rotation comes after what... So, in a non-"stalker" kind of way, I knew what rotation he's in now. Walking to school this afternoon, I was feeling a bit jittery... That's where my jitters came from... Not because it was the first day but because of the thought that I might see him... As I entered the building, I took a chance and decided to pass by the area where he might be staying, where I might see him. But I kept my eyes steady. I didn't look around. I was thinking, "If I see him even if I wasn't looking, then fine. If not, then it's fine, too." The latter happened, though. 

I was a bit disappointed, to be quite honest. Of course, I wanted to see him. It's been more than three months. Seeing him in photos posted by a former batchmate of mine who happened to be his groupmate wasn't enough. Seeing how he was doing through his own posts on this certain site (NOT Facebook... We're not Facebook friends... Yes, that's a clue.) wasn't enough. And because I wasn't able to see him this afternoon, I suddenly had the urge to check his account tonight especially since I haven't seen any of his posts lately. He had a few since his last post that I saw. But even that, giving in, indulging myself into something I was trying hard not to do, wasn't enough. That was the last straw. I already lost focus on what I was studying... Thus... This post. I had to let this all out... And after months of not being able to find the right words to write, they all came crashing down on me on that single moment of indulgence.

I told myself that I wanted to start this semester on a clean slate because I badly need to keep focused on my studies. That's what I plan to do. I don't think I'm failing at that plan. Maybe that slate is a new one... And I still have the old one in hand, stained by the past.

I'd like to close this chapter now... I'd like to take that final bow... I'd like to think this is the purpose of this post... I'm just not sure if I'll be able to keep my word. Tonight's sudden gush of emotions felt like an admonition. Come to think of it, not all endings are true endings... Some have cliffhangers... I'm not a fan of them, though. I don't like hanging onto something, not knowing what could lie ahead of me. But I guess it's time to get used to it. Maybe in the long run, I could forget how it feels to be left hanging.

I've said this a few times before... My friend/life adviser told me that he can easily pick things up... So, TO YOU... Just in case you decided to read what I have posted (nope, I'm not going to say "just in case you STUMBLE upon this..." since I posted this on every social networking account I have), this is what's going on in my head. That's what happened... THIS is how you made me feel... Whether you decide to take pride or take offense in what I've said, it's all up to you. I'm not starting any drama. I'm just telling the truth... The truth about how you made me feel.

I'm sorry...

Thank you...

Though the gift remains unopened, I guess my feelings aren't all boxed up anymore, huh? 

This Goes Out To YOU

Dear You,

Hello!

There... I got that out of the way... I can't seem to think of a way to really start this... Even through writing, I still feel shy and intimidated...

I've always wanted to write this... And I've always wondered what THIS would say... The first time I thought of doing this, I was too caught up in all the feelings that came crashing down. They came down all at once, I couldn't seem to organize my thoughts... But now...

Now... I feel like you've given me a sign... A sign which I've interpreted in different ways:

1. I'm going down a one-way street.
2. If, IF, the feelings were mutual, we might not be fit for each other.

Either way, you made me feel like I'm fighting a battle which was already a sure-loss in the end.

I'm writing this to let you know that I have a wish... A wish that, I think, will never come true... Because I wished it too late...

How I wish we started out as friends...

We could've been really good friends, you know. I had no idea I was unconsciously aware of how you acted in class, how you interact with people and how confident you are until I realized I already had feelings for you... YES... You made me like you even if we never had a single decent conversation, let alone a mere "classmate" interaction... That fact still astounds me because I've never liked someone who I never got to know really well before. But you... You had something I never thought I'd like. Heck, I could actually say you made me fall for you without an explainable reason.

That's the problem... I already liked you even before we had that first real conversation. I just couldn't get the feelings out of the way. I thought I could, at first... But it was harder to hold the feelings back than to let go... I guess I was ready to face the consequence, the possible consequence, of getting hurt in the end (again). You made me let go when I was trying hard not to. That's the kind of power you have over me.

Now, we're already where we are... Me liking you and you knowing that I like you... Yes, I know you know. Or maybe, at least, you have an idea... I still wish we could be friends... But I must admit, this could be a problem... It's hard to start a friendship with someone I already have feelings for. I guess that's more like MY problem. I wish you could understand where I'm coming from. I'm not sure if you're trying to make an effort of building that friendship. Well, before I saw that effort... Now, well, I know we're falling apart without even leaving the starting line. That bothers me... A lot... Because I know it's my fault.

The events leading up to this point are making me closed off, yet again. I don't want to get hurt... Especially by you... I've been hurt so many times before by the people I've fallen for. It's hard to get back up again... I fear that I might have an even harder time with you because I haven't even invested as much as I have with the guys before you and I'm already feeling the same things when I get to that point of defeat with them.

I feel bad, though... I thought we were making progress... I enjoyed the few conversations we had... But there was one, the last one, which made me run the opposite direction, towards where we were before... I guess I kind of dragged you with me because the way we're acting towards each other right now's like everything went back to zero... I hate this... I hate that I lost you even before I got that chance to feel what it's like to have you... Even as a friend.

If, by any chance, you see this, I wish you'd do something. I know you don't like the serious stuff... You said so yourself. But if you feel like you need to say something, PLEASE, say it. I don't want to live in a world full of "what-ifs" anymore. I'm not one to start a "confrontation" of some sort. I'm too weak to play mind games. Life's too short to waste time on something worth feeling... For real... For me, the thrill is the fall and not the games.

So, there... It's out... There's a pretty big chance you'll never know this letter exists. Or maybe you'll stumble upon this and never know that THIS is actually for you... But my really good friend told me you pick stuff up really fast so you'll probably get that THIS is for you. I've dropped too many hints for you not to figure out that THIS, indeed, is for YOU...

So... Here... This is me... This is real... This is how I feel... For you...