Yes... I love to blog... I've been blogging for years now. I think I started on Friendster. I forgot what feature that was but that's when I started making my thoughts public. Before that, it was the good old journal writing... "Diary" as some would call it. I had a few of them when I was a kid. Not every one of them's filled, though. I start then I get tired because my hands just can't seem to keep up with my thoughts. Maybe that's why I started blogging. It's just faster to type than to write. Not an excuse to make my thoughts public, though, but still... Typing... And it made sure that what I've written's saved... FOREVER... Well, that was until Friendster went into this transition phase and stopped being the social site we came to know and love. Goodbye, photos... Goodbye, blog... Forever in my memories, though.
Now, THIS. My Blogger site. So far, I've written about 2 things here: my [sad] academic life, and my so-called love life... And under the latter, I've introduced 2 people... "The Other Guy" and "The Chosen One." I've recently added something to my site which showed the frequency of labels I've used. TCO topped the charts. But, of course, most of the time, I've talked about the crashes and the burns of my TCO experience.
Last week, I've decided to go old school. I've started journal writing again. That's what's keeping my busy these days. Well, I'm only a few days into it and I feel like I've already lost momentum. One thing I've noticed about my current journal is I only write when I'm either not in the mood to study or when I find my mind wandering off, thinking about the reason why I started it. I've been pretty busy with school and other stuff over the weekend so I haven't written anything since then.
The reason why I went old school is I've come to a point where I want things to be private... At least for the time being. This one's so private, nobody else knows about this... (Until now.) I wanted something tangible, something I could have with me all the time just in case something pops into my mind and I needed a quick release... And I wanted something I could hand down to the person I'm writing about.
I gave the journal a title. A title that, at first glance, seems innocent... But it has a meaning which I don't plan to get into details here... The journal's content is, somehow, unlike the other journals and blogs I've had before. This time, you'd easily recognize the people involved because there are names. Yes, no more codes, no more hashtags... Although, I still hashtagged TCO. I dropped the cryptic nature of my writing more than a couple of notches. I've made it easily relatable to the people who know me. I mean, I do not intend to make it public. Like I said, it's private. I just made it easy for the one who will read it easy to understand.
Yes, I started it with the intention of giving it to the person involved. It's my untold truth. Nobody knows about it. Not even my most trusted friends/life advisers. This truth was something I wanted to keep to myself for a change. I wanted to see if I can handle it on my own. But, tonight proved that I wasn't strong enough to do it alone.
My friends/life advisers have warned me about this. I listened... I did... Believe me... I was doing fine until, more or less, a couple of weeks ago when things started up again. I was, like, "Wow... Nice timing..." I didn't want to fall for anything because I kept reminding myself of what my friends told me. I wanted to just go with the flow. But... I was just too weak. I didn't want to show and/or tell anybody that I've given in because they've already given me the cons if I get myself in a situation involving him. This was definitely a moment of weakness. I guess I was also testing myself how far I can go with this, how long this would last, and if it would end the way I want things to end for once.
This afternoon, I found out that I can never go further with this. I learned the news from a friend of mine when I was telling a story about him. In the middle of that story, she dropped the news. Then, my heart dropped. Everything just started dropping. I was trying to confirm what I heard, asking her, trying to fish more information without being obvious. I laughed... I was laughing with a broken heart. Can you imagine how hard that was? I feel like I deserve an award for that level of acting.
After spending a few more hours with them (I had to. I was too devastated to be alone.), I finally decided to break my silence. I told my guy friend/life adviser about it (Thank God he was online!) because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I needed something... Words of comfort, advice, a wake up call, a slap on the face, ANYTHING! Again, he went back to what he's been telling me from the very beginning. CONTROL. "Control your emotions. Don't let it take over you." That's what he said. And I agree... A thousand percent! I get myself into this deep hell hole when I lose control. I just can't help it, sometimes. I crave for that feeling too much that I forget the consequences. Is there anything wrong with that? But I think, no, I know where he's getting at. If I don't want the heartache, control everything. And never lose it! Another lesson learned the hard way, huh?
I'm not crying over it, though. I don't think I will. Maybe because this time, I've prepared myself for the worse. The problem is I also set myself up for another heartbreak. I made myself open to all possibilities because, somehow, I already knew what I was getting myself into. As in, full knowledge of what the situation could end up being. I've been warned and yet I chose to take the path anyway. Yup, my bad... I may not be crying but I do feel like I'm having a hard time breathing... A heartbreak is still a heartache, you know.
I'm not sure if I'll stop writing that journal. Besides, it has a purpose. I want to give it a chance to serve its purpose (not like that unopened present...) . Not now, though. And I hope not in the near future. I've stated my reason as to why I started that journal somewhere in its pages. A morbid thought, though... But you'll never know. I just think the person deserves to know what's been going on and how he's making me feel. Like I said, the untold truth... And the truth is...
The journal is NOT about The Chosen One.
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