Unravelling The Untold Truth

18th of September 2014, 3 minutes before midnight

I'm in the middle of studying for my Gynecology finals when I suddenly had the urge to start this post... I had to... Before this day ends... I feel like I'm trying to beat the shot clock, scrambling to get this started... I might be posting/publishing this late but at least I started it on a day that is significant to me... And to the person who inspired this entry.

Today was a vacant day for me this week, our final exam week. Usually, I spend the whole day "locked up" in my dorm room, alternating studying and wasting my time on my iPad (like what I'm doing right now.). But today's different... I had something up my sleeve which meant deviating from my usual Thursday major exam week habit. I knew I had to do it soon because, knowing me, I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do (which was to study) if I haven't done this other thing I had planned for today. So... I did it... IT GOT DONE! That should put my mind at ease...

Well, I was wrong...

You know me... I don't go into detail about what happened but, let me tell you... IT WAS AWKWARD... Well, at least for me it was! It was SO awkward, I couldn't get myself focused on my studying. Every now and then, the scenario keeps replaying in my mind and then I burst out into an "I'm so stupid" rant then hit myself on the head with my clipboard.

Honestly, I built up this scenario days before I "executed" this plan... Nothing out of the ordinary, though... Nothing far from reality... I guess I just practiced, in my head, what I'd do and say... And maybe imagined his possible response: a simple thank you then maybe a hug? Then... IT happened... I did what I had planned to do... But somehow, I lost myself the moment I saw him... Even more so when he was standing right in front of me...! Like I said, I imagined this scenario days before... The hug was a half hug, though. It started so awkward because I had no idea if he gestured to do it so I leaned towards him and then ended up with that half hug. What caught me off guard was his question... I suddenly found myself smiling so stupidly at him, trying to think of something witty to say then I just answered plainly... A plain yet stupid answer... I hate myself...

This is it... I have come to this point... I lose all sense in his presence... Mind you, that wasn't the first time that happened... I used to be able to have a clever comeback whenever he says something witty. But now... My mind just draws a blank as if I'm letting him win by default. This is it... Everything has changed...

I think I'm in love with him...

I've been trying to deny this whole thing since he started "our thing." It was an unusual start. I wasn't used to experiencing what he did that I had to ask his friend if he was really like that. I didn't want to assume anything that's why I asked. When his friend told me about him, I dismissed the idea because he told me he's like that naturally. Touchy, text-y, chatty... I let him do that since I felt safe by his friend's assurance. But... At the back of my mind, I knew all that would lead into something else. Then again, at that time, I had The Chosen One on my mind so I, somehow, had this security that I won't fall into a trap.

Time passed... Many exchanges had happened... Then, one day... One of my good friends saw us at the bench having our usual friendly banters. I let her sit between us as we continued our non-sense. Then, she suddenly said something like, "You guys, you might eventually end up together with all that, huh!" I was so surprised by her remark that I let out a nervous, "Ha!" as if I was laughing the idea off. BUT... I clearly heard him say, "Why not?" When I heard that, I knew I had the wrong reaction. Why? Because I knew, that time, that I was starting to like him... I was just trying to avoid the idea... All because of The Chosen One.

I was afraid to admit the fact that I already liked him. I was afraid because I didn't want to let TCO go... Not just yet... I was still holding on to the possibility of something happening. It's as if I had my hope on TCO on life support and I just didn't want to pull the plug. And, another thing that I was afraid to admit was the fact that I liked two guys at the same time. I hated being that person. I hated being the person who couldn't decide who I liked better. And I'm not used to letting someone go because I was starting to like someone else. It's SO not me... I was used to dwelling in the misery of my heartache for months before finally getting back up and being able to say that I've moved on for real.

For months, I went back and forth between TCO and this guy. But when last semester was about to end, he had me... Not TCO... THIS GUY had me... The last couple of weeks last semester, somehow, I felt something changed. Maybe because I finally let myself feel what I wanted to feel... And I was feeling him. I will never forget the way he stared me down this one time. I was laughing giddily when he flat out stared me down. MY GOSH! I thought I was going to blow my cover. I almost did. I was SO tempted to tell him the truth but I just couldn't. I was never built to do something THAT brave and I didn't want to add "extracurricular drama" into our already dramatic academic life. So... Again... Concealed feelings... What's new, right?

Then TCO happened again... Blog entries right and left... Then, just when I was able to stay firm on my decision, here HE comes again! He's got nice timing... He just knows when to enter the picture... Somehow, I can't help but think that he knows when he's losing someone. The time when he re-entered the picture, we haven't had any communication for almost a couple of months. Out of the blue, he started things up again... And I, the most gullible person ever, fell for it...

Thus, the journal...
Thus, the two "Twist" entries...
Thus, letting TCO go...

I am DEFINITELY eating my words now... I said I wanted THIS to be as private as possible... I said I wasn't going to talk about him again... And what am I doing now? Pouring all this feelings crap about him... DAMN! This is really it, huh?

I have really fallen for him... Hard.. 

I still want to keep things private, though. I still have the journal. It took me a while after that last "Twist" entry to get started on it again. My mind was just a mess after that. Not that it isn't a mess right now. But at least, I have decided...


This is it... Another journey into heartbreak... Yes, I'm calling it now... I know it's going to end the same way... It always ends up with me trying to hold it together even if I badly want to fall apart. The story of my life... I thought I'd get used to it... But no... Each person is a different kind of heartache. Somehow I wonder if I learn anything from these experiences. Maybe I do... But the problem is each experience is always with a different person. I feel like ALL THIS is one big hurtful experiment... And I'm the mad scientist... I'm hoping, though, that one day, ALL THIS will make sense to me...

So... Scratch that "I will never talk about him again" statement I made before... Because here he is... Like I said in my very first entry, everybody needs an introduction... And THIS is his...

The Hurtful Moments Can Become Life's Gems

It's 12:18 AM... Weird how I suddenly got the urge to write something at this hour after such a LONG time of not writing... I've been on a downhill ride since, maybe, last week and this last thing that I saw (out of curiosity) just triggered me to let these thoughts out once again...

I had a pretty traumatic experience yesterday getting "yelled at" by our group's proctor during our case discussion in ward class. My groupmates said that that was still nothing compared to the other times that they've seen her really grind a student. True, somehow, because I was expecting something worse... I really can't blame her for "yelling" at me because I knew what I wasn't confident about what I was presenting. No excuse nor explanations were accepted... It's okay... I knew I deserved it... But still,  it left me, somewhat, speechless and feeling like I needed more room to breathe. I guess the weight of that horrendous moment wasn't really totally lifted off my chest. (THIS wasn't the trigger, though... Something else pushed me into writing once again.)

As I got back to my dorm room, I started thinking... My mind wandered off into the common theme of my previous entries... PAIN... HURT... HEARTACHE... Then I asked myself, "Why didn't I write about the good times that I've had? Why do I keep focusing on the bad stuff? Have I become a pessimist since the day I experience real emotional, heart-wrenching pain?"

I consider myself an optimist, as someone people can turn to if they want some encouragement. But I do have a hard time being that source of encouragement once I start dealing with my own demons. Well, the demons being getting hurt by people... Okay, getting heartbroken... That has always been my problem. Once that happens, I'm done... What's worse is that I keep reliving those painful moments over and over again in my mind, trying to find the answers that only the other person involved could give. Unfortunately, I'm not brave enough to confront them... By saying "them", I mean all the people (okay, all the GUYS) that broke my heart. Well, I had this one experience... It was pretty liberating... But I don't think I could go through that again... (The good thing that came out of that experience is that we're still friends to this day... THANKS for the friendship, man!)

Anais Nin once said (or, maybe wrote), "We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrrospect." --- I read this on Facebook and this gave me the drive to write again... I just needed something to write about... Until yesterday happened...

That saying also gave me my realization as to why I keep writing about the painful stuff... "To taste life twice... In retrospect..." I guess I needed a reminder of what went wrong and where things started crumbling to the ground... Basically, I created my own manual... "The Things You Should Learn From" A manual of my life's mistakes that resulted into heartaches.

I've always thought that I never learned from my pit falls... Until recently when I realized (yeah, these realizations just keep coming to me) how EXTRA CAUTIOUS I've been for the past year or so. The conversations I have with myself in my head have been, "Why did he say that? What does that mean? Does he mean... Nah! He's just friendly." or something like, "Why did he do that? Did he do that because... Nah! He's really just like that." Yep, the once "conclusion jumper" has become "the automatic dismisser". There's no such term but for me, it exists... I did post something on Facebook about having my walls and defenses up... Fairly true... After what I endured almost a couple of years ago, I think my heart needed (and deserved) a break... (To the guy who broke my heart more than a year ago, THANKS A LOT! I think you just scarred me for life! *sarcastic*)

There's just one catch... Having my guard up kind of scares me... I've never been this guarded with my heart before... What if I've already missed an opportunity?  There's NO WAY I could get it back... I've been busy keeping myself from getting hurt that the chance for getting the happiness that I've been waiting for has already passed me by.

I guess the only thing I could take away from this is, AT LEAST, I had no idea what I could've missed. I mean, yeah, there's that chance for happiness... But maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the kind of happiness that I deserved. I've endured too much pain from different people that, maybe, someone amazing was meant to give me happiness beyond my imagination.

I'm still hopeful... And I guess I never really lost the optimism towards myself...