A Glance at the Rear View Mirror

This entry was born out of another entry I was writing a while ago which I decided not to continue anymore due to the, somewhat, detailed description of what has happened these past few days. I've started a number of entries which I, eventually, kept to myself because of the same reason. One sure thing about me in blogging: NEVER write anything when I'm on an emotional high or when I just organized my thoughts because it always leads to a very descriptive blog post... Cryptic's my thing, I guess... And I want to keep it that way...

So... With that said...

Eighteen days...

I've been a junior intern (JI)/clerk for eighteen days now... I've been doing fine, "professionally speaking", maybe because I've wanted this for a long time. I've also been doing fine, "personally speaking", because I am where I am. I made this decision. I've weighed the pros and the cons. I've decided to just deal with whatever happens along the way. In other words, this was a "follow your heart" choice.

Yesterday, I had a heart-melting conversation with a friend of mine... Get ready... This is going to be a doozy... That conversation? It was about... THE CHOSEN ONE. I don't want to fully declare that he's making a comeback... Let's just say he's making a guest appearance or a cameo... She told me something that made my heart sink. I'm not sure, though, if it's because I felt sorry for him, I felt bad for him, or whatever. It just made me feel sad... And confused at the same time. Before writing this, I had to read the last entry I wrote about him to make sure if I outright ended THAT chapter... And I felt like I did. Now... I think I'm about to eat my words.

Before getting into me being confused, I wonder... Was he able to read THAT entry? I mean, I don't think he'd read something I wrote. I never assume people to read my posts even if I share it on my other social networking accounts. But... What if? Even if "Cryptic's my thing", I still believe that he'd get what I said without the specifics. I still believe that he's THAT quick and THAT smart to get the meaning behind my posts. After what my friend told me, I'm bothered and quite affected by what he's going through right now... Isn't it obvious?

Now... I'm confused... I don't know if what I learned about him yesterday is bringing back feelings or I'm just feeling bad for him. I wasn't able to respond with a straight answer when my friend asked me if I still had feelings for him... So... What does that mean? Though it felt like that "Take A Bow" entry was my last TCO entry, I don't think I totally closed that door on him. Maybe I left it ajar or a window open... I don't know... I'm not sure... I'm always open to possibilities... And, with him, by tagging him as "The Chosen One", there will always be a space for him in my heart.

So... Here I am... I am left with this uncomfortable feeling of, "What if?" What if I chose a different path in this junior internship? The problem with me is that I am too much after the chase... Yes, the chase... I'm chasing after someone who keeps chasing after another. Insert scene from "My Best Friend's Wedding" where Dermot Mulroney's chasing after Cameron Diaz while Julia Robert's chasing after Dermot Mulroney while Rupert Everett's on the phone with Julia talking some sense into her saying, "Who's chasing after you? No one!" Yes... I feel like Julia Roberts in this situation. No one's chasing after me. I'm the one, the only one doing all the work... I thought I had no regrets making this decision. But after what I heard yesterday, I feel like I'm starting to have them...

I can't fully explain what and how I'm feeling right now... But I'm definitely hurting... Because my heart seems to be searching for something it can't find... Or maybe it doesn't know what it's searching for. Now that I'm a clerk, I'm giving myself full permission to dwell in this misery. I thought I've already made my choice. I guess fate keeps playing with me, always getting TCO back in the picture when I already thought I've moved on. I have to think about this. I have to make sense out of this. I have to know what THIS IS exactly. I don't want to keep chasing after someone who's always after another person. And I don't want to be the person who just keeps waiting for someone who made me feel like I'm his option.

I just want to be somebody's somebody.

Take A Bow

I've been feeling this way for almost a month now... Or maybe even longer... It's almost like the circumstances these past few weeks have forced me to feel otherwise just so I can hold on to that certain feeling my heart yearns for. Though I know I'm going down the path by myself, at least I have that light to guide me to the possibilities I've built inside my head. But now... I'm not so sure anymore. Better yet, I'm sure I've reached this point.

This is it...

THIS IS THE END...

This is my farewell to The Chosen One...

I remember the last person I've, *ahem*, felt something like this before. There was a final act. It wasn't a graceful one, though. It was pretty emotional. I remember the day clearly. It was a November afternoon back in 2012. Two of my good friends and I were walking outside the school right after having lunch. We haven't talked about that certain person for quite some time but, somehow, we got to talking about him and something that happened to him that time. We already knew about it a month or so before and we've already talked about it several times. There wasn't anything different about the way we were talking about it but something triggered a part of me that just led to a breakdown. I was trying not let my tears fall since we were out in public but I was already too overwhelmed. My friends weren't expecting me to react like that. They apologized for talking about it but it wasn't their fault. I guess I was holding things in too much. THAT was the final act... That emotional breakdown... After that, everything suddenly got better... A better me and a better rekindled friendship.

I was waiting for something like that for this current "thing." I was already expecting something emotional. Flashback to that one entry I wrote when I got emotional listening to "his music." Maybe that's why I thought that I was last straw. I already knew that time, though, that it wasn't. But, again, THIS TIME... I'm certain that this is the final curtain call.

It came to me in, I guess, the most superficial thing. I did something right after writing the first "Twist" entry... Because my friend forced me to. She told me to do it so that I could cheer myself up. It was time to make myself happy, she said. So, I did it. I got favorable results the next day so... No regrets. But the days following it, I gradually felt like that spark was getting dim. The excitement, the thrill of waiting to see if he'd do what I did is gone... Just gone... 

The magic has faded...

I'm not under his spell anymore...

The feeling is gone...

Honestly, I feel bad for finally admitting this... Mainly because of all the admissions I've done. The things I've said about how he came to be The Chosen One... MY Chosen One... MY first choice... I mean, I knew this time will eventually come because, like I've said before, I'm going down a one-way street but I never really expected it to be over so soon. Maybe this is how things are if you fall for someone you BARELY know. There are no bases for the feelings to linger for a long time.

I'm pretty sure I never used "LOVE" in any of my entries about him... Pardon my harsh honesty but I know it was never love. You may not have noticed it but I was really careful in describing how I felt about him. Just because I said I fell for him doesn't mean I fell in love with him... That's why I always end in "fall." I was never in love. It was just a strong, unexplainable attraction... Which started with that thing he wears which looked like something Jared Leto wore. Ha! A shallow reason which led to deep dive.

A quotation posted by one of my Facebook contacts.
Waiting was my optimistic move.
It's time to move on now, though.

I'm letting this go... This feeling... I'm letting it go... For real, this time.

I'm thankful because I was introduced to that bright smile.

I'm thankful for the way he made me feel because, for the first time, I felt like I was an option.

I'm thankful because I've never learned so many lessons from one experience.

I am thankful.

From this point on, The Chosen One will be just like the other person I mentioned in this entry. He will just be a reference... A future reference which will, hopefully, help me to commit less mistakes.

No more curtain calls.

No more encores.

This is The Chosen One's final bow.

Almost Out of Hiding: My One-Way Conversation With The Chosen One

Hi...

So... Before anything else... Here are some things I want you to know about my current status:

1. The prelims was this week... And I took my last exam today... With that being said, I am sleep-deprived.
2. Based on my iPad, it's already 10:24 in the evening... I've been awake since around the same time last night. Between last night and this moment, I've had two 15-minute naps. Not enough...

I wanted you to know those premises for you to understand that I am running on pure emotional high... I think. That is where I'm getting all this energy to say the following to you. Maybe all this won't make much sense but I just had to let them all out. Some things just have to be said...

So, why am I on an emotional high? Well, I saw this thing you posted... About choices... Funny you should post that because I've "hashtagged" you (my modern way of saying I've given you a code name... SO high school, right?) as "The Chosen One." Why that? Well, I think I've explained it before on a previous entry but maybe you'll find out as we go on in this conversation.

Going back... About that post... I have to say... My heart got crushed. If I was alone in the room when I saw it, I could've cried... Really... 

I don't want to assume anything but based on observation, guys rarely share those kinds of posts. The guys I know, at least. They rarely share emotional stuff, unless that emotion is funny. But you... I've noticed that you've been posting similar "shot-through-the-heart" stuff lately. I can't help but think that someone's making you feel something... Love? Heartbroken? I don't know... But that's how I've been perceiving things. I know you don't like that serious stuff so there's a possibility that you posted it just for the sake of sharing that oh-my-gosh punchline. But there's that other possibility that you really ARE serious about it. So... My heart aches because I know what it's like to have unreciprocated feelings. I've been through stuff like that almost my whole life. And it hurts. It's the same kind of pain inflicted by different people. It's torture. It's almost masochistic even. But we choose to go through it just to feel that certain kind of happiness no other person could give you. Just like what you said... #feels...

As soon as I saw that, I tweeted something... I had to... This is what I posted:

"If you're somebody's second choice, well... Let me tell you now...

YOU ARE MY FIRST... ❤️

#TheChosenOne"

Yes... You are... You deserve to know that. Even if the one you like (if not love) is making you feel like you're her second option, I want you to know that YOU are on top of my list. You are my first choice. YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE.

I may not have the valid reasons why you are... But, sometimes, these things need not be explained. They just need to be felt. I've said this before and I'll say it again... I have no clue why you make me feel this way... I just do...

You need to know that you have become someone's first choice... Because I've felt how it is to be nobody's. But, honestly, there was a time when you made me feel that I was yours... If not the first choice, at least I felt like I was an option... YOUR option... Call me assuming, call me imaginative, call me whatever you want but YES. That's how I felt. That's how you made me feel... Until now, I can't help but look back on why we suddenly felt like we never had those moments. I know there were only a few... But they were truly significant to me.

So there... That's out... I guess in life, we will always feel like we're only just an option to our first choice... But we're so wrapped up in that sad fact, we've become blind to the possibility that we could be somebody else's first choice... To that reality that we've already become somebody else's first choice. And that is the point of all this... I want to open your eyes to the fact that you are, indeed, #TheChosenOne... MY chosen one... You didn't have to do anything... You didn't have to say anything... Without rhyme or reason and without you even realizing it, I chose YOU. I'm not saying that in the hopes of you eventually having the same feelings for me (though, that won't be so bad). I'm only saying that so that you won't feel bad about being "the second choice."

You don't deserve rank number 2... In my eyes, you will NEVER be number 2...

Sorry... Sorry if I had to say these things here. I'm not brave enough to say it to you. I already had that experience once and that moment was just too hard. I can never say things like these with a straight face. And I don't think I would want you to see me with my shield down. This is the only way, I think, I can tell you the things that should be said without a sniff or a tear being in the way... Sorry...

Oh, by the way... Thank you for smiling at me the other day. It made walking under the bright, hot sun worth it.

The Way You Look At Me

DISCLAIMER: Do not be fooled by the title of this entry...

That phrase usually signifies something sweet... It might even remind you of local artist Christian Bautista's first hit record... Yes, it's a good song. Yes, it's a love song.

But NOT in my case...

By this time you already know that if I write something, there are things that MUST be said. And today's just one of those days that just triggered me to do so. I'm actually in the middle of studying Cardiology but my mind just can't stop thinking about what happened today. Though my day started out pretty well because I got to saw this guy (who my friends are rooting for), the events as the day progressed got me feeling giddy, disappointed, frustrated and paranoid (yet again) all at the same time.

I was about to finish another blog entry about today when I realized... I need not go into details... Which was pretty much what that other entry had... What I really want is to just get these feelings off my chest so that I could get back to what I should be doing...

WHAT THE HECK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I do not mean that in an argumentative, yes-I-am-angry sort of way. I'm not mad... I don't even want to argue. I just want to know what happened... I tweeted this moments before starting this entry:

"You look at me as if you didn't start our first conversation... As if I didn't give you what you asked of me... As if we were strangers..."

Is that what we've become? STRANGERS? I mean, The Chosen One and I were never close, I know... But with the very few encounters (a couple, to be exact) we had since I got back in school, I've been getting this vibe like we were never classmates for a whole year, like he never drank the water I was drinking during our Christmas party just so he could give me a swig of his beer, like we didn't have our own moment a few minutes before a major exam... Like he never knew me...

COME ON, MAN!

What happened? Was I the only one keeping track last December? Because, honestly, I felt like I was the only one... Okay, let's not count my friends here... But... That was my month with him...

DECEMBER WAS MY MONTH WITH YOU...

I'm still not mad... Seriously, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out why he looked at me that way at lunch... It was somewhere in between a sharp gaze and a blank stare. So damn cold... It pierced right through me as if its only purpose was to make me bleed... And then this afternoon, why can't he look at me when I asked him something? Yes, I get that my friend started the conversation but, excuse me, I was also there.

Looking back at those encounters, I can't help but conclude that he has read my previous entries and that he's mad at me for telling the truth. Sometimes I wish we could bump into each when we're both alone just to see if he'd say something... But from how I see things right now, I feel like he won't.

Yes, I felt giddy after seeing him today... I was so giddy that I posted that as my Facebook status as soon as I got back here in my dorm room. But after more than an hour of sleep, that feeling went away as if my senses were knocked right back into me and all that was left was nothing but unanswered questions.

To TCO... Again, if you stumble upon this... PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME... I know you don't like the serious stuff but I'm hoping you could make an exception... Even if I know I don't deserve being your exception. It's not that I'm getting tired of wondering what happened. I just want to start a friendship with you, if that's possible. Based on the few conversations we've had, I know we could be good friends. I think I've said that before in my letter addressed to you... And deserves to be said again. The friendship is a possibility... It's what I'm hoping for...

You are in control... Since the beginning... It has never left your hands...

One Hello From Paranoia

Writing that previous post, I thought I'd be ready for what might happen just in case he reads it...

I thought wrong...

This afternoon... A friend of mine and I were walking outside the school, talking about him... The Chosen One... My friend was telling me that she preferred The Other Guy (to refresh your memory, I'm referring to the barista) because she thought he looked better than TCO. I told her I already forgot about him since he already made his "in-a-relationship" status official on Facebook and I felt like I had no future with him since he's WAY younger than me. But my friend kept on insisting, defending her side with the "looks" argument. Of course, I defended TCO. But just before the words escaped my mouth...

Lo and behold!

From afar... A few meters from us... Crossing the street... There he was... I suddenly felt my chest tightening with this burning and aching sensation as if all the air escaped out of my lungs... I quickly started thinking, "Oh my gosh... I've pictured this scenario in my head many times since classes started... This is it...!" Another student was walking in front of us so he blocked him from my view as he reached our side of the street but when he passed by that student... I looked at him and gave him a smile and a wave hello. He said, or more like what I heard from him was, "Aix..." He waved but he didn't smile.

I think it took a few steps from that moment before I was able to take a deep breath... I didn't know what to think of that encounter, whether I should be ecstatic or be disappointed... Well, being emotionally chaotic, I felt both... I was ecstatic that I was able to say (or wave) hello to him... But disappointed at how he greeted me... I've greeted quite a number of our former classmates before and they all didn't hold their smiles back. But him... Wow... And that's when I started thinking...

Did he read my blog?

Having a mind prone to overthinking things, it's natural for me to become paranoid... I just might be jumping to conclusions that he DID read it... But getting that reaction from him just led me to assume he did. My friend and I did nothing but talk about that encounter when we got to this cafe we were headed to when we saw him. I told her that he might be thinking, "The nerve of this girl to greet me after what she wrote about me!" Maybe he just acknowledged me because I greeted him first and he felt obliged to say hello back at me. Is that it? Is that what he did? Oh... No...

My friend asked me about the last blog I posted so I let her read it just so I could get her opinion... What if he read it? How would he feel? Will he be mad? Will he be sad? Will he feeling nothing? Will it boost his ego? After she read it, she told me that if she was him, she'd feel like she's at a loss not being able to know that I had those feelings... I wanted to believe her... But then again, she's my friend...

If I were true to my words, this post would never exist... But when it comes to matters of the heart, I can't seem to keep the promises I make to myself.... So, the last post about him? That's my bullsh*t... I'm not yet over... This will never be over... And I don't know when all THIS will finally be over...

Oh, by the way... That moment when I was about to defend TCO's looks to my friend? What I was about to tell her was...

I love his smile...

All Boxed Up

2nd of June 2014, 23:18H

This is long overdue. I've been wanting to write this... My supposed final post about The Chosen One... I guess my mind wandered off, trying to move on from my tragic fall. I intentionally kept my mind off things that could remind me of my failure... Including him. I, somehow, succeeded. I drowned myself in things I wanted to do in the time I was given. I even shifted my attention onto somebody else... But that's another story to tell...

A few weeks into my summer vacation, I dropped by the school to give presents from our family R&R to a couple of my friends. But that wasn't the only reason... There's an unopened gift left in my locker. It's been there since the beginning of the year. At that time, two and a half months have already passed... It's high time I got it out of there. 

A reminder of what was never expressed.

After catching up with my friends, I went to my locker to get that gift. As I opened the door, it was, like, things started spilling over... I guess they're more like feelings... Feelings I let out but was forced to push back in because I was led to believe that they were worth letting go of. I stared at the box for a couple of seconds thinking, "This is it. This gift will never serve its purpose."

It's a sad thought, really. Gifts are meant to be opened so that the receiver could feel how special he/she is to the giver. They're supposed to give happiness to both of them. But since the present remained tied up, all those feelings will also stay in there all boxed up... Just like the feelings I felt (and, maybe, still feeling) for him.

I'm holding back tears as I write this, listening to the artist he recommended (which I also used as an excuse, a very lame one, to get a conversation going over the Christmas break... Such a failure, though.) It's torture... But I guess when it comes to these things, I can't help but let myself feel the sadness, the hurt, the disappointment as intense as possible so that, in one fell swoop, I can move on without JUST SAYING I can move on.

Now... The night of the first day back in school... I was trying hard NOT to write this because I know I have to focus on my academics... But I just can't help but think about what I thought of last night...

"There's a chance I might see him tomorrow."

He's already a semester ahead of me... But I remembered my brother telling us what rotation comes after what... So, in a non-"stalker" kind of way, I knew what rotation he's in now. Walking to school this afternoon, I was feeling a bit jittery... That's where my jitters came from... Not because it was the first day but because of the thought that I might see him... As I entered the building, I took a chance and decided to pass by the area where he might be staying, where I might see him. But I kept my eyes steady. I didn't look around. I was thinking, "If I see him even if I wasn't looking, then fine. If not, then it's fine, too." The latter happened, though. 

I was a bit disappointed, to be quite honest. Of course, I wanted to see him. It's been more than three months. Seeing him in photos posted by a former batchmate of mine who happened to be his groupmate wasn't enough. Seeing how he was doing through his own posts on this certain site (NOT Facebook... We're not Facebook friends... Yes, that's a clue.) wasn't enough. And because I wasn't able to see him this afternoon, I suddenly had the urge to check his account tonight especially since I haven't seen any of his posts lately. He had a few since his last post that I saw. But even that, giving in, indulging myself into something I was trying hard not to do, wasn't enough. That was the last straw. I already lost focus on what I was studying... Thus... This post. I had to let this all out... And after months of not being able to find the right words to write, they all came crashing down on me on that single moment of indulgence.

I told myself that I wanted to start this semester on a clean slate because I badly need to keep focused on my studies. That's what I plan to do. I don't think I'm failing at that plan. Maybe that slate is a new one... And I still have the old one in hand, stained by the past.

I'd like to close this chapter now... I'd like to take that final bow... I'd like to think this is the purpose of this post... I'm just not sure if I'll be able to keep my word. Tonight's sudden gush of emotions felt like an admonition. Come to think of it, not all endings are true endings... Some have cliffhangers... I'm not a fan of them, though. I don't like hanging onto something, not knowing what could lie ahead of me. But I guess it's time to get used to it. Maybe in the long run, I could forget how it feels to be left hanging.

I've said this a few times before... My friend/life adviser told me that he can easily pick things up... So, TO YOU... Just in case you decided to read what I have posted (nope, I'm not going to say "just in case you STUMBLE upon this..." since I posted this on every social networking account I have), this is what's going on in my head. That's what happened... THIS is how you made me feel... Whether you decide to take pride or take offense in what I've said, it's all up to you. I'm not starting any drama. I'm just telling the truth... The truth about how you made me feel.

I'm sorry...

Thank you...

Though the gift remains unopened, I guess my feelings aren't all boxed up anymore, huh? 

I Am By Myself

Just as I was finishing the last case in our Gynecology manual, I found my mind wandering... Well, wandering and imagining... I can't help thinking about THEM... The two guys...

I let go of one and I lost two...

Yes, I seemed to have lost them both... I've been wanting to say that out loud for the last few days... Reality is REALLY staring to kick in and I'm not liking it, so far.

I've already said before that I've made my choice. What I didn't know was that I shouldn't have done anything to show that I already have. My friends told me that I should have kept that other one at bay because the one I chose was not a sure thing... Well, I know that now... Some lessons are actually meant to be learned the hard way, I guess.

Losing the other one isn't THAT big of deal for me. It's just that I get this feeling once in a while... It's a strange feeling... He was always there and he let me know that he was always there. Despite the circumstances that tell us nothing more can happen between us, I had him, I had someone who to project all these pent-up feelings for "The Chosen One" to. Yes, it sounds and looks like I'm using him because I can't have the one that I really want. But I like this other guy, too. And I'm really glad that I get (ahem, GOT) to spend a lot of time with him. More time than with the person I truly want. But NOW... He's gone... Radio silence... I have no idea why. Maybe because we're both busy? Yes, I keep telling myself that... But he was busier last season. Maybe he got fed up with my excuses when he wants to do something. They're valid excuses, though. Academics... Always a valid reason...

It's Chinese New Year... I sent him a message... He's Chinese, you know. I asked him for some traditional Chinese New Year treat... I have no idea if he'll reply, much less, read the message... We'll see in a few days...

Now, to "THE CHOSEN ONE." I'd like to refer to him now as that... "TCO" to save some time in writing. Yes, I chose him in the hope that he already chose me... I guess my friends and I misread the signals... I misread the signals... Damned the signals! Why couldn't they be clearer? Or maybe the problem was with the one seeing them... ME...

I lost him, too... I don't know who's to blame for this one, though... It was because of that one conversation we had during the first week back in school after the Christmas break. We were okay on the first day. He was actually my very first conversation of the day. It was even a pretty nice exchange. Then a couple of days later, that fateful conversation happened. It seemed as if he was telling me that we're not fit for each other... Or maybe I was the only one thinking that. He seemed so confident about who he is and what he wants in life. He said he's an explorer and adventurer... But from that conversation and how he said some things in that conversation, it seemed like he wasn't. I'm not one to look for problems when there isn't any but THAT talk presented me with a platter. I don't mind him being the way he is... I am more than willing to compromise (if ever he and I become "us"). I just can't help but think that he might not be able to accept me for who I am. I don't want to judge his whole being solely based on that conversation but I really can't help myself.

What transpired on that certain moment haunts me to this day... I don't let go of things that easy... And that's the reason why things between TCO and I came to a halt. I was looking forward to a friendship, even an awkward one, at least. But every time I see him, I can't help but go back to the things he said. Now, it seems like we're strangers again. Yesterday, he can't even look at me when he joined in on the discussion my friends and I were having after the exam. Why? Why did it come to this? Why did it have to come to this? I hate this...

I know I've got to do something to fix this... I've got one more week left before the finals... A lot of things on my plate now... Besides worrying and trying to find a way to save myself from my academic burden, I have him and my situation with him to salvage...

Now that I'm having problems with TCO, I don't have someone to let all these frustrated feelings out. The other guy's gone, too... I have no one... I'm not going to say, "You'll never know what you've got 'til it's gone." I KNEW WHAT I HAD. I appreciated what I had... That's why it's even harder to face the reality that I lost them...

This Goes Out To YOU

Dear You,

Hello!

There... I got that out of the way... I can't seem to think of a way to really start this... Even through writing, I still feel shy and intimidated...

I've always wanted to write this... And I've always wondered what THIS would say... The first time I thought of doing this, I was too caught up in all the feelings that came crashing down. They came down all at once, I couldn't seem to organize my thoughts... But now...

Now... I feel like you've given me a sign... A sign which I've interpreted in different ways:

1. I'm going down a one-way street.
2. If, IF, the feelings were mutual, we might not be fit for each other.

Either way, you made me feel like I'm fighting a battle which was already a sure-loss in the end.

I'm writing this to let you know that I have a wish... A wish that, I think, will never come true... Because I wished it too late...

How I wish we started out as friends...

We could've been really good friends, you know. I had no idea I was unconsciously aware of how you acted in class, how you interact with people and how confident you are until I realized I already had feelings for you... YES... You made me like you even if we never had a single decent conversation, let alone a mere "classmate" interaction... That fact still astounds me because I've never liked someone who I never got to know really well before. But you... You had something I never thought I'd like. Heck, I could actually say you made me fall for you without an explainable reason.

That's the problem... I already liked you even before we had that first real conversation. I just couldn't get the feelings out of the way. I thought I could, at first... But it was harder to hold the feelings back than to let go... I guess I was ready to face the consequence, the possible consequence, of getting hurt in the end (again). You made me let go when I was trying hard not to. That's the kind of power you have over me.

Now, we're already where we are... Me liking you and you knowing that I like you... Yes, I know you know. Or maybe, at least, you have an idea... I still wish we could be friends... But I must admit, this could be a problem... It's hard to start a friendship with someone I already have feelings for. I guess that's more like MY problem. I wish you could understand where I'm coming from. I'm not sure if you're trying to make an effort of building that friendship. Well, before I saw that effort... Now, well, I know we're falling apart without even leaving the starting line. That bothers me... A lot... Because I know it's my fault.

The events leading up to this point are making me closed off, yet again. I don't want to get hurt... Especially by you... I've been hurt so many times before by the people I've fallen for. It's hard to get back up again... I fear that I might have an even harder time with you because I haven't even invested as much as I have with the guys before you and I'm already feeling the same things when I get to that point of defeat with them.

I feel bad, though... I thought we were making progress... I enjoyed the few conversations we had... But there was one, the last one, which made me run the opposite direction, towards where we were before... I guess I kind of dragged you with me because the way we're acting towards each other right now's like everything went back to zero... I hate this... I hate that I lost you even before I got that chance to feel what it's like to have you... Even as a friend.

If, by any chance, you see this, I wish you'd do something. I know you don't like the serious stuff... You said so yourself. But if you feel like you need to say something, PLEASE, say it. I don't want to live in a world full of "what-ifs" anymore. I'm not one to start a "confrontation" of some sort. I'm too weak to play mind games. Life's too short to waste time on something worth feeling... For real... For me, the thrill is the fall and not the games.

So, there... It's out... There's a pretty big chance you'll never know this letter exists. Or maybe you'll stumble upon this and never know that THIS is actually for you... But my really good friend told me you pick stuff up really fast so you'll probably get that THIS is for you. I've dropped too many hints for you not to figure out that THIS, indeed, is for YOU...

So... Here... This is me... This is real... This is how I feel... For you...