Unravelling The Untold Truth

18th of September 2014, 3 minutes before midnight

I'm in the middle of studying for my Gynecology finals when I suddenly had the urge to start this post... I had to... Before this day ends... I feel like I'm trying to beat the shot clock, scrambling to get this started... I might be posting/publishing this late but at least I started it on a day that is significant to me... And to the person who inspired this entry.

Today was a vacant day for me this week, our final exam week. Usually, I spend the whole day "locked up" in my dorm room, alternating studying and wasting my time on my iPad (like what I'm doing right now.). But today's different... I had something up my sleeve which meant deviating from my usual Thursday major exam week habit. I knew I had to do it soon because, knowing me, I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do (which was to study) if I haven't done this other thing I had planned for today. So... I did it... IT GOT DONE! That should put my mind at ease...

Well, I was wrong...

You know me... I don't go into detail about what happened but, let me tell you... IT WAS AWKWARD... Well, at least for me it was! It was SO awkward, I couldn't get myself focused on my studying. Every now and then, the scenario keeps replaying in my mind and then I burst out into an "I'm so stupid" rant then hit myself on the head with my clipboard.

Honestly, I built up this scenario days before I "executed" this plan... Nothing out of the ordinary, though... Nothing far from reality... I guess I just practiced, in my head, what I'd do and say... And maybe imagined his possible response: a simple thank you then maybe a hug? Then... IT happened... I did what I had planned to do... But somehow, I lost myself the moment I saw him... Even more so when he was standing right in front of me...! Like I said, I imagined this scenario days before... The hug was a half hug, though. It started so awkward because I had no idea if he gestured to do it so I leaned towards him and then ended up with that half hug. What caught me off guard was his question... I suddenly found myself smiling so stupidly at him, trying to think of something witty to say then I just answered plainly... A plain yet stupid answer... I hate myself...

This is it... I have come to this point... I lose all sense in his presence... Mind you, that wasn't the first time that happened... I used to be able to have a clever comeback whenever he says something witty. But now... My mind just draws a blank as if I'm letting him win by default. This is it... Everything has changed...

I think I'm in love with him...

I've been trying to deny this whole thing since he started "our thing." It was an unusual start. I wasn't used to experiencing what he did that I had to ask his friend if he was really like that. I didn't want to assume anything that's why I asked. When his friend told me about him, I dismissed the idea because he told me he's like that naturally. Touchy, text-y, chatty... I let him do that since I felt safe by his friend's assurance. But... At the back of my mind, I knew all that would lead into something else. Then again, at that time, I had The Chosen One on my mind so I, somehow, had this security that I won't fall into a trap.

Time passed... Many exchanges had happened... Then, one day... One of my good friends saw us at the bench having our usual friendly banters. I let her sit between us as we continued our non-sense. Then, she suddenly said something like, "You guys, you might eventually end up together with all that, huh!" I was so surprised by her remark that I let out a nervous, "Ha!" as if I was laughing the idea off. BUT... I clearly heard him say, "Why not?" When I heard that, I knew I had the wrong reaction. Why? Because I knew, that time, that I was starting to like him... I was just trying to avoid the idea... All because of The Chosen One.

I was afraid to admit the fact that I already liked him. I was afraid because I didn't want to let TCO go... Not just yet... I was still holding on to the possibility of something happening. It's as if I had my hope on TCO on life support and I just didn't want to pull the plug. And, another thing that I was afraid to admit was the fact that I liked two guys at the same time. I hated being that person. I hated being the person who couldn't decide who I liked better. And I'm not used to letting someone go because I was starting to like someone else. It's SO not me... I was used to dwelling in the misery of my heartache for months before finally getting back up and being able to say that I've moved on for real.

For months, I went back and forth between TCO and this guy. But when last semester was about to end, he had me... Not TCO... THIS GUY had me... The last couple of weeks last semester, somehow, I felt something changed. Maybe because I finally let myself feel what I wanted to feel... And I was feeling him. I will never forget the way he stared me down this one time. I was laughing giddily when he flat out stared me down. MY GOSH! I thought I was going to blow my cover. I almost did. I was SO tempted to tell him the truth but I just couldn't. I was never built to do something THAT brave and I didn't want to add "extracurricular drama" into our already dramatic academic life. So... Again... Concealed feelings... What's new, right?

Then TCO happened again... Blog entries right and left... Then, just when I was able to stay firm on my decision, here HE comes again! He's got nice timing... He just knows when to enter the picture... Somehow, I can't help but think that he knows when he's losing someone. The time when he re-entered the picture, we haven't had any communication for almost a couple of months. Out of the blue, he started things up again... And I, the most gullible person ever, fell for it...

Thus, the journal...
Thus, the two "Twist" entries...
Thus, letting TCO go...

I am DEFINITELY eating my words now... I said I wanted THIS to be as private as possible... I said I wasn't going to talk about him again... And what am I doing now? Pouring all this feelings crap about him... DAMN! This is really it, huh?

I have really fallen for him... Hard.. 

I still want to keep things private, though. I still have the journal. It took me a while after that last "Twist" entry to get started on it again. My mind was just a mess after that. Not that it isn't a mess right now. But at least, I have decided...


This is it... Another journey into heartbreak... Yes, I'm calling it now... I know it's going to end the same way... It always ends up with me trying to hold it together even if I badly want to fall apart. The story of my life... I thought I'd get used to it... But no... Each person is a different kind of heartache. Somehow I wonder if I learn anything from these experiences. Maybe I do... But the problem is each experience is always with a different person. I feel like ALL THIS is one big hurtful experiment... And I'm the mad scientist... I'm hoping, though, that one day, ALL THIS will make sense to me...

So... Scratch that "I will never talk about him again" statement I made before... Because here he is... Like I said in my very first entry, everybody needs an introduction... And THIS is his...

More Than The Usual "One"

Amazing... Truly amazing...

FYI... I have 2 pending entries right now... I haven't finished both of them because somewhere in the middle of writing them, I lost the words to express these pent up feelings... And now, I got them back... But they're for a-whole-nother situation...

I reviewed one of those pending entries to see if I wrote the next few statements which I'm about to say... I did... So before truly diving into "the matter at hand," here it goes...

I've said this before and I'll say it again... I've had my guard up for the past year or so... I had a hard time moving on... I literally experienced crying myself to sleep for, maybe, a little over a week. I sacrificed a friendship... Because of that experience, I knew I had to take better care of my heart. Until a few weeks ago when someone else from my past came back. I don't know when I started getting reckless again. I guess I was caught off guard. He came in from my blind side...  Then one day, I realized... He was slowly tearing down my walls... And, brick by brick, I think I let him do it...

Now that a part of my wall was down, things are starting to gush out and come in all at the same time... I, somehow, admitted to a couple of friends that I think I have my eye on someone else... Another guy... I told them I wasn't sure but there's just something about him that caught my attention...

So... This other guy...

I've been silent about him for the past few months because, like I've said, I wasn't sure if I really was attracted to him or something. I just feel this connection with him even though we haven't had a decent conversation... ever... Then, the other day happened... For the first time, we got to talk... Nothing serious, though... Just a simple conversation... It was nice... He made me laugh... I'm not sure if I made him laugh... But I remember making him smile... His smile... Wow... It could really brighten one's gloomy day... Anyway... I guess that conversation pushed me into admitting to my friends that I think I have something for this guy... I guess I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer...

"Keep your options open," one of my friends told me a few weeks ago. That one just keeps echoing in my head... So weird... I was never like this... I mean, nothing's happening, BELIEVE ME... I'm not assuming nor expecting something will, too... But I feel like I have to get myself ready for anything that MIGHT happen... Again, so weird... I'm preparing myself for a number of heartbreaks... Maybe that's why only like one person at a time... Because I know that I won't be able to take more than one heartbreaking experience at the same time. It's too late now, though... I've decided to live by the "philosophy" of my friend...

Now, here's my admission... I told my friends I wasn't sure if I'm starting to like this guy... Right after I told them, I felt like slapping myself on the face because I knew that was a lie... Yes, I like him... Somehow, I feel like I've been lying to myself, too, since that day this guy got my attention... And to make up for that lie, I will tell my friends the truth when we see each other again...

"Truth only means something when it's hard to admit." Yes, I agree with Nicholas Sparks... It's hard to admit... Not that fact that I like this other guy, too... The fact that I'm starting to "like" again... I hate that I'm afraid... But I can't blame myself for feeling scared... I've been hurt so much before... Sometimes, I do wonder how I got through all those painful experiences. Of course, I have my friends to thank for that but majority of the "moving on" work was usually up to me...

I guess I have to brace myself again... Like I said, I got reckless for letting the first guy tear down my walls... Now, I feel like I'm on the defense... And I have nothing to protect me...

TALES BEYOND THE CUP

PASSION:

I've always enjoyed writing. It's the perfect outlet for me to let all these feelings out and to indulge my obsessive-compulsive side without being too obvious (because I re-read my stuff and edit them long after I've posted them). These past few years, I've blogged a lot less than before. Reasons? Well, there's the lack of time (med school... Always blaming it on med school... Sorry...) Then the lack of inspiration (As I've said before, my heart needs to be broken before I can write something of substance.). Once in a while, I give myself a chance to write again even if I feel like the content's a bit BLAH for me. As long as I can keep writing, I'm good.

PUSH:

The other night, a batchmate and I were getting to know each other. She was telling me about my brother and his artistic gift. My brother can draw... He does it REALLY well. She asked me if I, too, can draw. I laughed and said that it was the gift that I wasn't blessed with. Then she pointed out that WRITING was my gift. I humbly and modestly agreed that it, maybe, was my gift. She also implied that she got to read one of my blog entries and gave me an unexpected feedback. "Wow!" she said. I've never had someone tell me something about what I've written before. I was flattered... REALLY... Then this next statement... "Maybe you should start a blog site." I already have a blog site but I think I knew what she meant. She meant something like the ones that people often visit to get advice for something, read reviews of some techie gadget thing, or learn more about life by getting immersed into the stories of others. The problem is... Like I've said before... LACK OF INSPIRATION... People like to read about life... But I don't think they would want to read something with heartaches and failures all the time... It's hard to admit but... My life is pretty boring without the broken heart...

INSPIRATION:

Then... Last night happened... I realized that I've already posted a couple of moments that I've had with the baristas of Starbucks FEU-NRMF... I must say, those moments really made my day. And those moments gave me that spark to start a flame...

TALES BEYOND THE CUP:

It's a blog that I started just last night... Well, I started it today, a few minutes past 12 midnight. Since I became a regular at the Starbucks FEU-NRMF store and became friends with some of the baristas, I became fascinated with their work. At one point, I even asked myself, "Why didn't I think of becoming a barista before?" Honestly, I am interested. Maybe because they make their job look so much fun. Plus, the interaction with the people... I guess that's the best part. It's amazing how they could keep their energy up for 8 to 9 hours a day. Sometimes I wish I could stay at a store and just watch them work a whole shift. 

"Tales Beyond The Cup" is dedicated to:

1. The baristas who became and will become my friends. Big things come in small packages, sometimes. Though I don't get to chat with you longer than the usual counter conversation, I thank you for for the small talks. Those became my inspiration to start something to further feed my passion for writing.

2. DK... I guess that conversation really started something in me. It didn't take long for me to find the missing pieces because you pushed me to search hard and search deep. Though we just recently became officially acquainted, I want to thank you for giving me that push... I really needed that.

http://talesbeyondthecup.blogspot.com

Everybody Needs An Introduction

First and foremost, I want to say that I don't know why I have this account... I "discovered" this today when I decided, out of boredom, to "google" myself... To my surprise, I've had this since May 2011...! So since I've decided to become active on Google+ today (I've had that account for quite sometime because of my YouTube channel but don't check on it... Ever...), I guess I could do the same for this account...

Welcome, me!

I've been blogging since my Friendster days... It's unfortunate, though, that I didn't get to retrieve my entries when the founders decided to revamp the site... With that, I've deprived myself some look-back-laughters and cringe-worthy readings... I've continued writing my, ahem, experiences on Facebook...

But over the past few years, my blogging have been diminishing to almost nil... Why? Well, the primary reason is my studies. I'm a 3rd year medical student... 'Nuf said... But to those who are unaware of what happens in med school, well, here's a gist... It's a VERY demanding experience... Academically-speaking. It's study, study, study... And in my free time, all I want to do is sleep and do things that are less mentally-demanding...

The second reason I've realized when I read my past entries... Most of my blogs are about matters of the heart... So, as I have observed, I become "blog-active" when I realize I'm starting to SERIOUSLY like someone and the heartbreak that comes afterward. Publicly airing out my heart problems seem to work because the more I talk about it, the more I realize the mistakes I've made and the easier it is to move on...

So what does this first blog entry on blogger.com mean? Hmmm...

Okay... So I'm thinking about starting to talk about what I "love" talking about... Please refer to reason # 2 if you still don't get what I mean... But I think it's too early to talk about that subject... I'll be easing into it as the days go by... Or if I have the time to right about it after this...

I should be studying right now, actually... I just can't seem to focus... Things are running through my mind... And I keep checking back on my social networking sites... The weirdness of me... I guess that's one of the effects of medical school. You get so tired of studying that you find yourself doing things that don't make sense anymore just to escape your books and handouts...

Anyway, since, I've, somehow, unloaded my thoughts, I guess I could get back on what I should be doing...

This is my intro... My foreword... And I've barely begun to scratch the surface...

My classes start at 7AM... It's already 1:40 AM... Time for me to get back to business...