The Way You Look At Me

DISCLAIMER: Do not be fooled by the title of this entry...

That phrase usually signifies something sweet... It might even remind you of local artist Christian Bautista's first hit record... Yes, it's a good song. Yes, it's a love song.

But NOT in my case...

By this time you already know that if I write something, there are things that MUST be said. And today's just one of those days that just triggered me to do so. I'm actually in the middle of studying Cardiology but my mind just can't stop thinking about what happened today. Though my day started out pretty well because I got to saw this guy (who my friends are rooting for), the events as the day progressed got me feeling giddy, disappointed, frustrated and paranoid (yet again) all at the same time.

I was about to finish another blog entry about today when I realized... I need not go into details... Which was pretty much what that other entry had... What I really want is to just get these feelings off my chest so that I could get back to what I should be doing...

WHAT THE HECK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I do not mean that in an argumentative, yes-I-am-angry sort of way. I'm not mad... I don't even want to argue. I just want to know what happened... I tweeted this moments before starting this entry:

"You look at me as if you didn't start our first conversation... As if I didn't give you what you asked of me... As if we were strangers..."

Is that what we've become? STRANGERS? I mean, The Chosen One and I were never close, I know... But with the very few encounters (a couple, to be exact) we had since I got back in school, I've been getting this vibe like we were never classmates for a whole year, like he never drank the water I was drinking during our Christmas party just so he could give me a swig of his beer, like we didn't have our own moment a few minutes before a major exam... Like he never knew me...

COME ON, MAN!

What happened? Was I the only one keeping track last December? Because, honestly, I felt like I was the only one... Okay, let's not count my friends here... But... That was my month with him...

DECEMBER WAS MY MONTH WITH YOU...

I'm still not mad... Seriously, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out why he looked at me that way at lunch... It was somewhere in between a sharp gaze and a blank stare. So damn cold... It pierced right through me as if its only purpose was to make me bleed... And then this afternoon, why can't he look at me when I asked him something? Yes, I get that my friend started the conversation but, excuse me, I was also there.

Looking back at those encounters, I can't help but conclude that he has read my previous entries and that he's mad at me for telling the truth. Sometimes I wish we could bump into each when we're both alone just to see if he'd say something... But from how I see things right now, I feel like he won't.

Yes, I felt giddy after seeing him today... I was so giddy that I posted that as my Facebook status as soon as I got back here in my dorm room. But after more than an hour of sleep, that feeling went away as if my senses were knocked right back into me and all that was left was nothing but unanswered questions.

To TCO... Again, if you stumble upon this... PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME... I know you don't like the serious stuff but I'm hoping you could make an exception... Even if I know I don't deserve being your exception. It's not that I'm getting tired of wondering what happened. I just want to start a friendship with you, if that's possible. Based on the few conversations we've had, I know we could be good friends. I think I've said that before in my letter addressed to you... And deserves to be said again. The friendship is a possibility... It's what I'm hoping for...

You are in control... Since the beginning... It has never left your hands...

One Hello From Paranoia

Writing that previous post, I thought I'd be ready for what might happen just in case he reads it...

I thought wrong...

This afternoon... A friend of mine and I were walking outside the school, talking about him... The Chosen One... My friend was telling me that she preferred The Other Guy (to refresh your memory, I'm referring to the barista) because she thought he looked better than TCO. I told her I already forgot about him since he already made his "in-a-relationship" status official on Facebook and I felt like I had no future with him since he's WAY younger than me. But my friend kept on insisting, defending her side with the "looks" argument. Of course, I defended TCO. But just before the words escaped my mouth...

Lo and behold!

From afar... A few meters from us... Crossing the street... There he was... I suddenly felt my chest tightening with this burning and aching sensation as if all the air escaped out of my lungs... I quickly started thinking, "Oh my gosh... I've pictured this scenario in my head many times since classes started... This is it...!" Another student was walking in front of us so he blocked him from my view as he reached our side of the street but when he passed by that student... I looked at him and gave him a smile and a wave hello. He said, or more like what I heard from him was, "Aix..." He waved but he didn't smile.

I think it took a few steps from that moment before I was able to take a deep breath... I didn't know what to think of that encounter, whether I should be ecstatic or be disappointed... Well, being emotionally chaotic, I felt both... I was ecstatic that I was able to say (or wave) hello to him... But disappointed at how he greeted me... I've greeted quite a number of our former classmates before and they all didn't hold their smiles back. But him... Wow... And that's when I started thinking...

Did he read my blog?

Having a mind prone to overthinking things, it's natural for me to become paranoid... I just might be jumping to conclusions that he DID read it... But getting that reaction from him just led me to assume he did. My friend and I did nothing but talk about that encounter when we got to this cafe we were headed to when we saw him. I told her that he might be thinking, "The nerve of this girl to greet me after what she wrote about me!" Maybe he just acknowledged me because I greeted him first and he felt obliged to say hello back at me. Is that it? Is that what he did? Oh... No...

My friend asked me about the last blog I posted so I let her read it just so I could get her opinion... What if he read it? How would he feel? Will he be mad? Will he be sad? Will he feeling nothing? Will it boost his ego? After she read it, she told me that if she was him, she'd feel like she's at a loss not being able to know that I had those feelings... I wanted to believe her... But then again, she's my friend...

If I were true to my words, this post would never exist... But when it comes to matters of the heart, I can't seem to keep the promises I make to myself.... So, the last post about him? That's my bullsh*t... I'm not yet over... This will never be over... And I don't know when all THIS will finally be over...

Oh, by the way... That moment when I was about to defend TCO's looks to my friend? What I was about to tell her was...

I love his smile...