The Dust Is Yet To Settle

I went back to the dorm this morning to get some stuff. I always looked forward to the ride going there... It gave me time to do nothing but think... About random stuff... But this time, all I could think about was the upcoming post promotion board removal exams... Which I won't be taking... Which I wished I will be taking... It seemed like every thing I saw reminded me of my situation and how I wished it was different. The whole trip (well, almost) I kept thinking, "I wish I was studying for something right now."

Yesterday, out of impulse, I went to the Starbucks store where my some of my friends were studying for the post promo exam. It was the first time I saw them since my "disastrous downfall." It was really nice to see them... It's always nice to be with people who know and understand what you're going through... What I'm going through... What was supposed to be a quick visit turned into hours of chat and advice-giving (NOT academically-related advice, though). Gosh... I missed having carefree conversations...

So this morning when my bus passed by the street where that Starbucks store was, I wondered, "Are they studying there right now?" I wished I could see them again but I know I'd be bothering them so I resisted the urge to ask where they were. As the ride went on, it passed by another Starbucks store along the highway... I looked and tried to see if it was full or if there are any students studying there. My mind's really fixed on the upcoming exam... Then... One thought entered my mind... "I wish I was numb."

As I got off the bus, I started becoming conscious of my surroundings, especially when I started seeing students from my school... It's like one big affirmation... I am here... I am back...

When I got to the dorm, I didn't go straight to my room. I stopped by the laundry shop to pick up my clothes and pay for their service. I saw my uniforms hanging on the rack... There were three sets... One for each pre promotion board removal exam I took. I looked at them and started thinking of them differently... They were my armors during last week's battle. The blood has been washed off but the memory remains... I got defeated... I looked away after realizing I was going down that familiar slump again. I, somehow, regained my happiness after spending some time with my friends yesterday that I didn't want to go back to feeling down again... I had to fight the feeling... But it was just hard to fight it being at ground zero.

After getting the stuff I needed, I immediately left the dorm, not because I didn't want to be seen by my other friends who were still within the vicinity but because being there still gives me that tinge of pain. It's still fresh... But I have to face it... It's my reality... THIS is my new reality. Though it hurts, I have to deal with it. I've made my bed and now I have to lay in it...

"The harder I fall, the STRONGER I become."

I posted that last week on my Facebook page. Now, as I look back, I feel like saying to myself, "Ha! Talksh*t!" I don't feel strong at all... But this is what I want to believe... Maybe I'm not yet strong because I'm still recovering, trying to heal the wounds from my defeat. Maybe after this resting phase, that's when I'll be back... That's when I'll come out... Stronger than ever.

Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul

22nd of February 2014

I just came from a war... That was quite a war I fought. What was supposed to be only a week-long battle extended into two... Today was the last day... Some came out of it feeling like there's still hope... I, on the other hand, came out badly burnt, bruised, bloody and everything else in between, with no hope for me to hold on to...

I LOST...

I might be calling this too early but somehow, I've lost the will to hope for the best. Looking back, I knew this was going to be quite a semester. I was afraid of this semester... Because this semester last year was when I got held back. For the second time. I guess I was dismissing that feeling the whole time. I wanted to change my fate. But I kept giving in to what I wanted to do instead of doing what I needed to do. I have no one else to blame but myself. So... I am here... Again... Déjà vu... The one I didn't want to have...

"The time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted."

I think I saw that quotation posted on my news feed by one of the pages I'm following on Facebook. Now that I'm at THIS point, I know I've wasted a lot of time... BUT I don't regret a single minute of my "wasted time". I spent them all with the people I want to be with, and doing things I never got to do when I was at the age when I was supposed to do them... I remember telling a friend of mine a couple of days ago, "My social life improved but my academic life suffered." Now, THAT'S the downside of it all... Whoops! Stop imagining nights out with friends and doing stuff I don't normally do... When I say "social life", I meant my world got a little bit bigger this semester. I had a lot of time on my hands and I took advantage of it in a different way... I met new people... Started doing THIS, blogging, once again, adding more entries here and starting a new blog inspired by "The Other Guy"... And, the one that affected me the most, "The Chosen One". I'm not placing blame on anyone, just to clarify things... It's still ME who has the problem. I guess my Instagram account would be the perfect reflection of what happened to me these past few months. I admit it... I LOST FOCUS... And it was already too late when I realized it. 

A couple of days before the week of our final exam, I was ranting to my friends because someone said some things to me that really got me down and made me feel like they've lost their faith in me. Then my really good friend/life adviser said something that really hit me hard, "I'm going to ask you this, Aix. What's the problem? Are you really doing and giving your best?" Just like that, he snapped me back to reality. Am I really doing my best? I did a quick flashback on my academic life. I never really did my best on anything but, somehow, and I say this with modesty, things just kept falling where they're supposed to... Until I entered med school. Four years into this and I feel like I'm still adjusting... It's so weird... I guess this is the consequence of NEVER having study habits.

My friend made me realize that I haven't been doing my best at all... I knew I wasn't pushing as hard as the others despite the fact that the competition was fierce. I was afraid I'd get burned out so early in the semester. It happened to me once during my 2nd semester in 2nd year. That time, I already got held back for one semester. I knew I had to hustle so I did. I thought I wasn't going to last. In the end, I took only one removal exam... 

I knew what I had to do... I told myself that I'd do what I did that semester in the succeeding ones... I knew I had to go through all that sacrifice again... Because I knew what the outcome would be... But I didn't do it. I easily gave in to my distractions and kept my mind busy with other things that shouldn't have taken up space in my head. Like I said, it's too late... And now I can't do anything about it.

I guess the only positive thing I can take from this heartbreaking situation is the overwhelming support I got/I've been getting from my friends. I told myself I won't cry over what happened to me because I knew I'd lose my strength, physically and mentally, if I did. I stayed strong. But on the first day of the pre-promotion board exam week, I posted something that got an unexpected response. Good thing I saw it after the exam because I broke down... I broke down hard... I knew I had a small chance of passing that exam... I was already believing I was going to fail it because I wanted to get ready for another subject that I had a feeling I was also going to take the removals in... But that post and the people who responded to it made me lose it. From that day onwards, I started losing my strength but it was them that kept me alive... 

As the week went on, I started realizing even more how lucky I am to have found people who knew what to say or do to keep me going. I just became friends with a group from the upper batch and, I must say, they just took my breath away. I felt a bit uneasy when I ran to them for comfort but they welcomed me with open arms. The kind of support they gave me when I'd already let go gave me that push to finish my tumultuous race. I am amazed... I am blessed...

Now that the end has come, I know I've taken a lot from the past semester. One sure thing is to not give in to my distractions... I know I might slip once or twice but I should give more time on what I should be doing. I am student. I am a medical student. I should be studying medicine. Like one of my good friends told me (and wrote down), "Eyes on the prize. Focus on your mark." There's an inside joke there but the idea coincides with what I should do to achieve the goal. Yes, FOCUS...! I'll make sure I won't lose it this time.

Lastly... To all the people who showed their concern, and made me feel that I am truly cared for and that I am in their thoughts and prayers... You know who you are... First, I want to apologize if ever I've disappointed you for not making it. If I made you feel like your support went nowhere, I want you to know that it didn't. It helped me finish my battle when I've got no fight left in me. With that said... Words cannot express how truly thankful I am. You might think I'm being overly dramatic but for someone like me who's going through a really tough time, one simple act of support means the world to me. Thank you... Thank you... My heart is swelling with gratitude. Though I feel like my world is shattering, I've never felt so lucky and so loved. I thank God for every single one of you. Thank you. Thank you. You saved me in ways you cannot imagine.

The next few months are going to be rough... Recovering from what I've been through might take a while but I need to start somewhere... I'm going to take every single thing I've learned from the past few months to build my game plan. I'll make sure it'll work this time.

I'll see you guys on October 2014...

Relieved...

I can't believe I'm about to admit this, much less say this but... I miss him... The other guy... I'll call him BB from now on... BB... My go-to guy when I'm frustrated with TCO. Yesterday, I found ways to cope with my missing him:

1. I wrote an entry.
2. I sent him a message.
3. I watched our videos.
4. I checked his Facebook page after a few days of not checking it.
5. I uploaded a 15-second video of one of our videos on Instagram. - This one, I'm kind of worried about because he has no idea it's already out. He kind of told me before that he wanted to perfect it first before making it public. Sorry but I just couldn't hold it in much longer. It needed to be shared... At least 15 seconds out of the 5-minute video.

So... I did all that... I actually ended my day knowing how to play the song on that video because I was a little scared that we won't be able to meet again to finish it... The longing was still there but it gave me some kind of feeling of accomplishment... Maybe I could this whole thing without him... I fell sleep around past 2 in the morning.

My phone (I use it as my alarm) went off at 5:45 AM. Since it was the weekend, though I knew I had to get up and start studying, I decided to go back to sleep. Before doing that, I checked my phone... I have a message... And to my surprise, it's from him...! He sent it at 4:26 AM... I didn't open it so that I'd know I have an unread message. But... WOW...!!! Did I exude that strong of an energy? I feel like he felt how much I miss him... So he finally broke the silence...

I'm SO close to actually admitting I need him... Well, okay... I need him... To fill the void... I hate to admit that but it's true. Some people might think I'm using him... But, again, I'm not... I like him... I do... I liked him before TCO came along. It's just that there are certain points swaying me towards TCO. But since TCO's going dormant, I think BB deserves to get my attention... Again...

He wanted to do a jam session. That's what he told me in the message. I read it when I woke up, fully aware of what's happening... I looked at the time when he sent the message. I'm like, "WHAT?!? Why is he up THAT early? Did he just get off from work? Did he come from somewhere and 'drunk-texted' me?" Well, I know the drunk-text is impossible because an invite for a jam session won't be the content of that kind of a message. (Haha!) But, honestly, every time he suddenly texts me to do a jam session, I do feel like it's safe version of a booty call. I guess it's in the way he texts me. He usually wants to do it ASAP as if I will call his invite right then and there. Who am I to complain, though? At least I have someone to do stuff like this now.

Anyway, I replied a few hours after he sent the message. I didn't get a reply right away though. I sent my message this morning and got a reply just tonight because I sent him another message asking if he got annoyed with my previous text. He just laughed, told me he just got off from work and we started our exchange.

He really DID want to do our thing tonight! He asked me where I was and if I was busy tonight because he already had his guitar with him. I told him I wasn't at the dorm. My gosh! Maybe if I told him to go where I am right now, he'd probably be at my doorstep tonight. I imagined that... I let out a giddy laugh... It felt good...

Unfortunately, as much as I would want to do our thing and to see him and to spend time with him, I can't... I'm preparing for the finals... I wish I could really squeeze in some time with him, though... I miss him... Yes, I really do...

Well, now... At least I know he's still there... I guess he was never really gone... He never really left...

Thank God... He's back... I'm going to be more careful with him this time... 

I Am By Myself

Just as I was finishing the last case in our Gynecology manual, I found my mind wandering... Well, wandering and imagining... I can't help thinking about THEM... The two guys...

I let go of one and I lost two...

Yes, I seemed to have lost them both... I've been wanting to say that out loud for the last few days... Reality is REALLY staring to kick in and I'm not liking it, so far.

I've already said before that I've made my choice. What I didn't know was that I shouldn't have done anything to show that I already have. My friends told me that I should have kept that other one at bay because the one I chose was not a sure thing... Well, I know that now... Some lessons are actually meant to be learned the hard way, I guess.

Losing the other one isn't THAT big of deal for me. It's just that I get this feeling once in a while... It's a strange feeling... He was always there and he let me know that he was always there. Despite the circumstances that tell us nothing more can happen between us, I had him, I had someone who to project all these pent-up feelings for "The Chosen One" to. Yes, it sounds and looks like I'm using him because I can't have the one that I really want. But I like this other guy, too. And I'm really glad that I get (ahem, GOT) to spend a lot of time with him. More time than with the person I truly want. But NOW... He's gone... Radio silence... I have no idea why. Maybe because we're both busy? Yes, I keep telling myself that... But he was busier last season. Maybe he got fed up with my excuses when he wants to do something. They're valid excuses, though. Academics... Always a valid reason...

It's Chinese New Year... I sent him a message... He's Chinese, you know. I asked him for some traditional Chinese New Year treat... I have no idea if he'll reply, much less, read the message... We'll see in a few days...

Now, to "THE CHOSEN ONE." I'd like to refer to him now as that... "TCO" to save some time in writing. Yes, I chose him in the hope that he already chose me... I guess my friends and I misread the signals... I misread the signals... Damned the signals! Why couldn't they be clearer? Or maybe the problem was with the one seeing them... ME...

I lost him, too... I don't know who's to blame for this one, though... It was because of that one conversation we had during the first week back in school after the Christmas break. We were okay on the first day. He was actually my very first conversation of the day. It was even a pretty nice exchange. Then a couple of days later, that fateful conversation happened. It seemed as if he was telling me that we're not fit for each other... Or maybe I was the only one thinking that. He seemed so confident about who he is and what he wants in life. He said he's an explorer and adventurer... But from that conversation and how he said some things in that conversation, it seemed like he wasn't. I'm not one to look for problems when there isn't any but THAT talk presented me with a platter. I don't mind him being the way he is... I am more than willing to compromise (if ever he and I become "us"). I just can't help but think that he might not be able to accept me for who I am. I don't want to judge his whole being solely based on that conversation but I really can't help myself.

What transpired on that certain moment haunts me to this day... I don't let go of things that easy... And that's the reason why things between TCO and I came to a halt. I was looking forward to a friendship, even an awkward one, at least. But every time I see him, I can't help but go back to the things he said. Now, it seems like we're strangers again. Yesterday, he can't even look at me when he joined in on the discussion my friends and I were having after the exam. Why? Why did it come to this? Why did it have to come to this? I hate this...

I know I've got to do something to fix this... I've got one more week left before the finals... A lot of things on my plate now... Besides worrying and trying to find a way to save myself from my academic burden, I have him and my situation with him to salvage...

Now that I'm having problems with TCO, I don't have someone to let all these frustrated feelings out. The other guy's gone, too... I have no one... I'm not going to say, "You'll never know what you've got 'til it's gone." I KNEW WHAT I HAD. I appreciated what I had... That's why it's even harder to face the reality that I lost them...

This Goes Out To YOU

Dear You,

Hello!

There... I got that out of the way... I can't seem to think of a way to really start this... Even through writing, I still feel shy and intimidated...

I've always wanted to write this... And I've always wondered what THIS would say... The first time I thought of doing this, I was too caught up in all the feelings that came crashing down. They came down all at once, I couldn't seem to organize my thoughts... But now...

Now... I feel like you've given me a sign... A sign which I've interpreted in different ways:

1. I'm going down a one-way street.
2. If, IF, the feelings were mutual, we might not be fit for each other.

Either way, you made me feel like I'm fighting a battle which was already a sure-loss in the end.

I'm writing this to let you know that I have a wish... A wish that, I think, will never come true... Because I wished it too late...

How I wish we started out as friends...

We could've been really good friends, you know. I had no idea I was unconsciously aware of how you acted in class, how you interact with people and how confident you are until I realized I already had feelings for you... YES... You made me like you even if we never had a single decent conversation, let alone a mere "classmate" interaction... That fact still astounds me because I've never liked someone who I never got to know really well before. But you... You had something I never thought I'd like. Heck, I could actually say you made me fall for you without an explainable reason.

That's the problem... I already liked you even before we had that first real conversation. I just couldn't get the feelings out of the way. I thought I could, at first... But it was harder to hold the feelings back than to let go... I guess I was ready to face the consequence, the possible consequence, of getting hurt in the end (again). You made me let go when I was trying hard not to. That's the kind of power you have over me.

Now, we're already where we are... Me liking you and you knowing that I like you... Yes, I know you know. Or maybe, at least, you have an idea... I still wish we could be friends... But I must admit, this could be a problem... It's hard to start a friendship with someone I already have feelings for. I guess that's more like MY problem. I wish you could understand where I'm coming from. I'm not sure if you're trying to make an effort of building that friendship. Well, before I saw that effort... Now, well, I know we're falling apart without even leaving the starting line. That bothers me... A lot... Because I know it's my fault.

The events leading up to this point are making me closed off, yet again. I don't want to get hurt... Especially by you... I've been hurt so many times before by the people I've fallen for. It's hard to get back up again... I fear that I might have an even harder time with you because I haven't even invested as much as I have with the guys before you and I'm already feeling the same things when I get to that point of defeat with them.

I feel bad, though... I thought we were making progress... I enjoyed the few conversations we had... But there was one, the last one, which made me run the opposite direction, towards where we were before... I guess I kind of dragged you with me because the way we're acting towards each other right now's like everything went back to zero... I hate this... I hate that I lost you even before I got that chance to feel what it's like to have you... Even as a friend.

If, by any chance, you see this, I wish you'd do something. I know you don't like the serious stuff... You said so yourself. But if you feel like you need to say something, PLEASE, say it. I don't want to live in a world full of "what-ifs" anymore. I'm not one to start a "confrontation" of some sort. I'm too weak to play mind games. Life's too short to waste time on something worth feeling... For real... For me, the thrill is the fall and not the games.

So, there... It's out... There's a pretty big chance you'll never know this letter exists. Or maybe you'll stumble upon this and never know that THIS is actually for you... But my really good friend told me you pick stuff up really fast so you'll probably get that THIS is for you. I've dropped too many hints for you not to figure out that THIS, indeed, is for YOU...

So... Here... This is me... This is real... This is how I feel... For you...

Guilt Over Hiding The Truth

I was supposed to write something with a happier tone. I was in the mood this afternoon despite the fact that I got the urge to write after reading some of my old and, kind of, depressing entries on Facebook. I guess I was able to extract some positive energy out of them... Until tonight...

As I typed in the title of this supposed entry I was about to start, I thought, "Is that the right one?" So I decided to just leave it as it is until I finish everything... The problem was, I really couldn't start it... I couldn't even get the first phrase right... Then I admitted to myself... I am bothered... Bothered by a lot of stuff that's happened before the Christmas break began... And this entry is about one of those things...

The last 2 entries I've posted were about these 2 people that I like and how I've come to like the other one better... Yes, I've made my decision and I've finally chosen this one guy... The second guy... This guy who's in the same world as I am. The problem is... ME... I like this guy so much that I get so intimidated by him. We BARELY talk... Though, last week, I think he broke that barrier... But that's another story to tell for some other day... But, yeah, before that, we really do BARELY talk... And this is why I keep doing what I'm about to admit..

This other guy... The first guy... The one that I "did not choose." I keep finding opportunities for us to see each other... It was because of feasibility. The whole week last week, I was studying somewhere else. And that somewhere else was near his workplace. As the week passed, friends of mine came to know my "thing" for this guy and started thinking that there was really something going on... Let me tell you now...

THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON...

Reasons?

1. He has a girlfriend. I'm NOT the kind of girl who will ruin a relationship. NEVER WAS and NEVER WILL BE because I don't want the same thing to happen to me.
2. I like SOMEONE else... I like him A LOT...!

I think those reasons are enough... But I can't help but feel guilty because I keep letting him know that I'm in the vicinity when he's there working. Actually, there's this one time when I didn't tell him but my friend wanted to get something from where he's working so he saw me and told me, "Hindi ka man lang nag-text. [You didn't even send me a text message.]" C'MON! Confuse me much, why don't you? I mean, even if I already like someone else, THAT still made me feel quite giddy. But that feeling died fairly quick because I've already set my mind and MY HEART on the second guy. 

The whole week, though, was a huge guilt trip. I felt like I was putting up some kind of charade... No... I WAS putting up some kind of charade to hide the one I had real feelings for. I think somebody should give me a best actress award or something for being able to live through the whole week acting like I still liked the first guy... Oh, God! Please forgive me! What I've been doing is shameful...

It's easier just to cut all ties with him, I mean, maybe just lie low for a bit... But even before admitting to myself that I like the second guy, the first guy and I already made plans to do some stuff over my Christmas break. I don't know if I've already mentioned this before but the first guy is my jam session buddy. We've already planned to do some music-related stuff so I can't just back out. It would be like turning my back on music, which is something I dare not do...! So I've decided, it's going to be nothing but music for us from now on...

Oh my... God, I'm so sorry! I can't help but ask for His forgiveness in the middle of writing this... I've never done anything like this... I feel like I've gone astray out of frustration because the second guy and I BARELY have any kind of communication. It's like I'm projecting my frustrations out on the first guy... No... That's EXACTLY what I was doing... Well, NO MORE!

The second guy... He's the one I chose... Someday, he might read this... I have nothing to hide... This is what and how I feel. I am just so protective over how I'm feeling for him that I don't want just anybody to know about it. Like I've said to my closest friends, this one is serious... And as long as I feel like I'm still in the dark about him having something for me, I will conceal my truth...

The Wall That Used To Exist

I know I've said this in my previous entry... But I'm just too overwhelmed with things that it deserves to be reiterated...

My walls are down...

My walls are DEFINITELY down...

Amazing how one person took them down... So that another person can come through... Smart person... The latter... Without effort, I let him in... Didn't take too long for me to realize that I really liked him... There are no reasons how I got to this point... It's bewildering... But I told my friend/adviser/confidante that he was on my radar all this time... I was just keeping quiet about it... Maybe because I wasn't used to liking 2 persons at the same time, and, I guess, with the same intensity... I was in denial with the latter... I was building the first one so much that I was afraid to admit that the other guy was actually the one I liked better. My friend even told me that he liked this other one better, that he felt like we were a perfect fit... I hate to admit it but I do agree with him...

Things have changed... My world has changed... I don't know, though, if I can keep up with these changes... Yes, there are changes but I feel like I'm back in a very familiar situation. I've been here before... I swear... The last time I was here was more than a year ago... It ended up in heartbreak... At least, for me... And this is why I'm scared... I'm scared that I'm finding myself in the same place... Or so I think I am...

A different person... Yes, he's different... I don't want to expect too much but I'm really PRAYING and HOPING that I'll get a different ending this time...

More Than The Usual "One"

Amazing... Truly amazing...

FYI... I have 2 pending entries right now... I haven't finished both of them because somewhere in the middle of writing them, I lost the words to express these pent up feelings... And now, I got them back... But they're for a-whole-nother situation...

I reviewed one of those pending entries to see if I wrote the next few statements which I'm about to say... I did... So before truly diving into "the matter at hand," here it goes...

I've said this before and I'll say it again... I've had my guard up for the past year or so... I had a hard time moving on... I literally experienced crying myself to sleep for, maybe, a little over a week. I sacrificed a friendship... Because of that experience, I knew I had to take better care of my heart. Until a few weeks ago when someone else from my past came back. I don't know when I started getting reckless again. I guess I was caught off guard. He came in from my blind side...  Then one day, I realized... He was slowly tearing down my walls... And, brick by brick, I think I let him do it...

Now that a part of my wall was down, things are starting to gush out and come in all at the same time... I, somehow, admitted to a couple of friends that I think I have my eye on someone else... Another guy... I told them I wasn't sure but there's just something about him that caught my attention...

So... This other guy...

I've been silent about him for the past few months because, like I've said, I wasn't sure if I really was attracted to him or something. I just feel this connection with him even though we haven't had a decent conversation... ever... Then, the other day happened... For the first time, we got to talk... Nothing serious, though... Just a simple conversation... It was nice... He made me laugh... I'm not sure if I made him laugh... But I remember making him smile... His smile... Wow... It could really brighten one's gloomy day... Anyway... I guess that conversation pushed me into admitting to my friends that I think I have something for this guy... I guess I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer...

"Keep your options open," one of my friends told me a few weeks ago. That one just keeps echoing in my head... So weird... I was never like this... I mean, nothing's happening, BELIEVE ME... I'm not assuming nor expecting something will, too... But I feel like I have to get myself ready for anything that MIGHT happen... Again, so weird... I'm preparing myself for a number of heartbreaks... Maybe that's why only like one person at a time... Because I know that I won't be able to take more than one heartbreaking experience at the same time. It's too late now, though... I've decided to live by the "philosophy" of my friend...

Now, here's my admission... I told my friends I wasn't sure if I'm starting to like this guy... Right after I told them, I felt like slapping myself on the face because I knew that was a lie... Yes, I like him... Somehow, I feel like I've been lying to myself, too, since that day this guy got my attention... And to make up for that lie, I will tell my friends the truth when we see each other again...

"Truth only means something when it's hard to admit." Yes, I agree with Nicholas Sparks... It's hard to admit... Not that fact that I like this other guy, too... The fact that I'm starting to "like" again... I hate that I'm afraid... But I can't blame myself for feeling scared... I've been hurt so much before... Sometimes, I do wonder how I got through all those painful experiences. Of course, I have my friends to thank for that but majority of the "moving on" work was usually up to me...

I guess I have to brace myself again... Like I said, I got reckless for letting the first guy tear down my walls... Now, I feel like I'm on the defense... And I have nothing to protect me...