The Dust Is Yet To Settle

I went back to the dorm this morning to get some stuff. I always looked forward to the ride going there... It gave me time to do nothing but think... About random stuff... But this time, all I could think about was the upcoming post promotion board removal exams... Which I won't be taking... Which I wished I will be taking... It seemed like every thing I saw reminded me of my situation and how I wished it was different. The whole trip (well, almost) I kept thinking, "I wish I was studying for something right now."

Yesterday, out of impulse, I went to the Starbucks store where my some of my friends were studying for the post promo exam. It was the first time I saw them since my "disastrous downfall." It was really nice to see them... It's always nice to be with people who know and understand what you're going through... What I'm going through... What was supposed to be a quick visit turned into hours of chat and advice-giving (NOT academically-related advice, though). Gosh... I missed having carefree conversations...

So this morning when my bus passed by the street where that Starbucks store was, I wondered, "Are they studying there right now?" I wished I could see them again but I know I'd be bothering them so I resisted the urge to ask where they were. As the ride went on, it passed by another Starbucks store along the highway... I looked and tried to see if it was full or if there are any students studying there. My mind's really fixed on the upcoming exam... Then... One thought entered my mind... "I wish I was numb."

As I got off the bus, I started becoming conscious of my surroundings, especially when I started seeing students from my school... It's like one big affirmation... I am here... I am back...

When I got to the dorm, I didn't go straight to my room. I stopped by the laundry shop to pick up my clothes and pay for their service. I saw my uniforms hanging on the rack... There were three sets... One for each pre promotion board removal exam I took. I looked at them and started thinking of them differently... They were my armors during last week's battle. The blood has been washed off but the memory remains... I got defeated... I looked away after realizing I was going down that familiar slump again. I, somehow, regained my happiness after spending some time with my friends yesterday that I didn't want to go back to feeling down again... I had to fight the feeling... But it was just hard to fight it being at ground zero.

After getting the stuff I needed, I immediately left the dorm, not because I didn't want to be seen by my other friends who were still within the vicinity but because being there still gives me that tinge of pain. It's still fresh... But I have to face it... It's my reality... THIS is my new reality. Though it hurts, I have to deal with it. I've made my bed and now I have to lay in it...

"The harder I fall, the STRONGER I become."

I posted that last week on my Facebook page. Now, as I look back, I feel like saying to myself, "Ha! Talksh*t!" I don't feel strong at all... But this is what I want to believe... Maybe I'm not yet strong because I'm still recovering, trying to heal the wounds from my defeat. Maybe after this resting phase, that's when I'll be back... That's when I'll come out... Stronger than ever.