So Little Time

This is déjà vu... The kind that I don't want to have... The kind that gives you that same feeling... But only with a different person.

I can't believe I'm in this situation again.

This is the second time in less than a year that I'm feeling this way... And it seems to happen a few months before the end of something. This feeling of running out of time. It scares me... A lot.

I told a friend of mine today that I feel like I'm running out of time. Though she has no idea what I'm talking about and why I'm feeling this way, it just needs to be said... So that the universe could hear it. What scares me about this feeling is the fact that I get that urge to do something not thoroughly thought through. I almost did before. It was a good thing I got to talk to someone who I felt had the right things to say because I felt like she had the answer to my queries... Like she knew what would happen if I did go through what I was supposed to do. So I didn't do anything and I ended up not regretting anything and having a mind that is, somehow, at peace.

But this time... I have nobody.

Just a few days ago, this "thing" I've been keeping for the past few months have, finally, been revealed to a good friend of mine. Now, there are two people who know about this but the other one, the first one I confessed to, has no idea that this "thing" has progressed into something full-blown. That's the reason why I just had to tell another soul about this. It's just too much for me to take. I've never kept something this big to myself for this long. Almost half a year.

People know I'm still into the other guy. And even if I tell them I've moved on, I feel like they don't believe me. I can't blame them, though. I still talk about him... Little do they know that it's a diversion. Because I want to keep their curious minds away from this one... Away from HIM...

I'm writing about him now, though.

It's not only because the feelings I have for him are starting to overwhelm me. It's because of this feeling of losing him. Yes, I feel like I'm losing him. And I am. I am about to. And I can't do anything about it.

This is why I'm scared. Scared that I might do something I might regret just to try, to have a chance, to keep him. But it might end up in heartache... Again... I'm being careful. Really. I am. Because I can't have two heartbreaks in less than a year. It would be too much. I'm not that strong.

He Used To Be...

...A stranger.

Just another face in the crowd. Though he looked a lot like another one of those people in the crowd, I didn't know him. I knew the other person. But not him. He was just "the other guy who looked like my classmate." I had no idea who he is. I rarely pass by him along the halls of our school. He didn't really catch my attention except for when I try to figure out if I was looking at just one person, the same person, or if there were really two persons that looked so much alike. He wasn't exactly a nobody. He just wasn't part of my world... Not yet.

...Just a name.

I forgot exactly when this happened but there came a time when his name started appearing on my Facebook account. Maybe in the "people you may know" part or in the groups where I'm part of. He didn't have a profile photo, not a proper one where his face was seen. His name caught my attention. It was unusual. Strange. My judgmental side showed. I'm sorry. But I got curious... Who is this fellow? I was curious but not enough to actually click on his account to see the face behind the name. So he stayed as he is... Just a name that appeared on my news feed.

...A classmate I never talked to.

It was the semester before my junior internship. OUR junior internship. We were in the same section. The face and the name finally became a person. There he is. But it didn't mean that we became acquainted. He was still a stranger to me. Whether it was by choice or not, we never got the chance to talk to each other. Maybe because I wasn't comfortable with the atmosphere in our class. Maybe because I chose to stay in my comfort zone. Maybe because my mind was somewhere else. We never talked. If we did, even if it was just a simple "hi", I couldn't remember it. I can't even remember if I gave him a quick smile. So strange. We were strangers.

...An unexpected "prime mate".

It was the morning of the first day of enrolment. I made it. I am a junior intern. We both made it. I remember coming up to the queue. Then I saw him. He was seated in one of the chairs in front of the registrar's office with a friend of mine; I can't remember who, though. I also can't remember how it happened but we had our very first conversation that day. He was already enrolled. He got to choose his rotation. His first was in Internal Medicine. I was having problems trying to get in the rotation I wanted; also in Internal Medicine. Small talk. But it was our first. I remember keeping a smile on my face, feeling awkward because I was in the same class with this guy for a semester and this is the first time I'm talking to him. Ugh. I felt awful. He left before lunch. He even told me he was leaving and he bid me goodbye. Then he came back later that afternoon. He asked me how I was doing and told him that the process was taking such a long time, just so I could get into IM. I finished at around 3:00 PM and got in the rotation I wanted. It wasn't until the first day of our clerkship when we found out that we belonged in the same group... The same prime. I felt happy because at least I knew someone. He asked for my number after our orientation with the department just so we could keep in touch with updates regarding our areas and such. Before parting ways, that's when I heard him call me, "prime mate". I didn't hear say it the first time so he had to say it again and we both smiled. I hoped we'd be in the same area. A familiar face could've helped during my first duty. Unfortunately, we weren't. It took a month before I got to see him again. But there was nothing. I mean, I wasn't feeling anything. He was just my "prime mate."

...A quiet person sitting beside me.

The second month of our Internal Medicine rotation was about to end when we had a spontaneous out-of-town trip. It was so spontaneous that I panicked because of what I was wearing when we all got into the car. We were both seated at the back and I was pointing out to him that what we were about to do was SO crazy and that I wasn't dressed appropriately for the trip; I was in my shorts and only had a light cover-up with me. Hello. It was less that 48 hours before December and we were going somewhere cold. At night. We went back to my dorm to change what I was wearing and off we went. In the middle of the trip, a really nice song played. It was so nice that I suddenly felt weird sitting right next to him. So nice that I wished I something equally nice would happen... Seriously. Weird. But, of course, I had to dismiss that idea because of the following reasons: (1) technically, we were on stranger status just 2 months ago; (2) I had no idea what his "status" was, and; (3) I really don't make "moves". Those ideas are always just in my head and never executed. But since the idea was already in my mind, I suddenly felt this kind of tension towards him. I, then, did a quick side glance wondering how he was or what he was doing while the song was playing. He was just looking out the window. Then, a thought... Oh no... "Please don't go there," I told myself. "You're just getting caught up in the moment. Don't let this happen." So I held it back. But I can't deny the fact that I enjoyed the night... Because he seemed to always find his place beside me.

...Just an option.

I talked to a one of my life advisers about him. She wasn't really in favor of the guy I had feelings for that time so when I told her about him, she said, "Uy, ok siya!" (Hey, he's okay!) There's a "but" statement after her remark but I'll talk about it in a while. She was supportive about it because she knew he was a good guy. I knew it, too. But I wasn't over the other guy. He was still my choice over him. She's the only person who knew about this. About him. We talked about him a couple of times. As in twice. With an interval of months. Because I was just so hung up on the other guy. Every time I think about him, I keep doing a pros and cons list in my head and the other guy always wins. I couldn't let go. Until I finally did. Just a few months ago.

..."In a relationship".

I thought he was. Even my friend did. That was her "but" statement. "Isn't he in a relationship with that post-graduate intern?" she asked. Yes, that's what I knew. Until he denied it during our second rotation. People in our prime didn't believe him. But I did. Maybe because I wanted to believe it. I wanted to trust him. For me. For my heart. I never bothered him about it unlike the others who kept teasing him and putting him in the hot seat about it. He always kept quiet. That's why they never believe him. But me? I kept taking his silence as his, "I don't care what you people think. I know the truth and the truth is we're not together." answer. He denied it again the other night, out of nowhere. He said something like, "Why keep pushing something that's never going to happen? If it's just for friendship, then it's just for friendship." He said that with me and another friend of ours in the room. I felt like our friend didn't believe it. But I did. He wouldn't make a statement like that if it wasn't the truth. So, there... He's not in a relationship. He's just stuck with the girl as friends.

But now...

EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.

He is not a stranger anymore.

He is the person behind that strange name.

He is one of the people I always want to talk to.

He is the one I always want to be beside me.

He is the only option.

I came to realize all of these things a little over 3 months ago while I was having my rotation outside our base hospital. Our group had dinner after our duty and my friend's boyfriend joined us. Her boyfriend's the one who looked so much like him. When I saw him, I suddenly felt panicked and awkward, and I had no idea why. I never felt like this before when I saw him. He was a former classmate of mine, for goodness sake, and we used to exchange tweets and small talks. Then he opened his mouth and talked. It was so strange. I talked to him, asking him how he was, and while he was talking, I was kind of zoning out. I kept thinking, "Why am I feeling strange? Why am I feeling disappointed?" That's when I knew... Because this person I'm talking to isn't him. The feelings were so overwhelming that I had to say out loud, "It so strange how you're talking and I'm expecting somebody else's voice." Yes, I said that. Because I was expecting to hear HIS voice.

That month was hard for me. I still dismissed the idea because I just thought it was too early for me to fall for another guy when I was still recovering from a heartbreak. But I suddenly couldn't wait to go back to our base hospital. I thought I was just missing being in a comfortable environment. I thought I was just feeling bad not being able to say a proper goodbye to our seniors before they ended their clerkship. Then on the first day back... He entered the room... Turns out, I was just missing him. I missed him quietly sitting beside me. I missed him.

It always surprises me how someone who was insignificant becomes one person's everything. It's not that I'm having any kind of regret but we could've known each other a little longer if only I made an effort to talk to him when we were classmates. Because now that clerkship's down to months before it ends, I am, again, feeling like I'm running out of time. Weird how I found myself in this situation yet again. Always against time. I thought I had more but no... Things change. Things have changed. And these changes, I have a feeling, will have an effect on a life decision. Thus, a familiar thought... I am entertaining this familiar thought because I want to know if my decision will be worth it. If HE will be WORTH it. I don't have enough experience to say if a choice made by solely by the heart will be a good one. I only have one and that is this clerkship. Even if my heart got broken along the way, I can truly say that I have no regrets. But this time... This is not to be taken lightly. This is an even bigger risk. And there's no other way to find out if it's worth it but to take it.

I just don't know if my heart's strong enough to take it.

He's An Angel

I just finished my dinner... I was watching an episode of a popular sitcom... I was browsing my Facebook news feed... Then... BAM!

One of my good friends from nursing school posted a photo of her and our friend wearing our gradation toga... Along with it was a long caption...

I thought, "Why? It wasn't our friend's birthday?"

Then, my next thought was a horrific one.

"No... No... This is NOT happening...!!!"

I felt like my mind did a quick run-through of my last conversation with that friend of ours. It was the last week of March. He was asking my opinion about his current health condition.

"No... This can't be it..." I thought to myself.

I scrolled past my friend's post to avoid confronting the reality... Then I went back, my heart filled with denial, trying to fool myself that what I was about to face was something I didn't want to accept.

Then I read the caption...

I paused what I was watching...

I tried to let what I read sink in...

I tried to be calm and sane for a moment just so I could take the next step...

I sent a message to my friend who posted that photo. We had a few exchanges but... Not enough... I called her up... We were countries apart but I had to... We were both in shock.

Cerjay's gone...

I told my friend that he told me about what he was going through. The gist, at least... I wanted to give her a clearer picture of what could've happened because she, too, didn't know the details. It was just too quick... Then I texted my mom who called me after I replied to her first text. I choked back tears when I was about to tell her that this friend of mine almost always contacted me if he had health problems. After telling her everything, that pause came... That's when the tears started falling... He was just too good a person to lose... I explained his life situation to my mom to give reason to why I was crying hard. It was difficult... Then my mom told me the best thing I could do... PRAY FOR HIM...

It's been hours since I learned of Cerjay's passing... I've browsed the last conversation we had trying to figure out what happened. Did I tell him what he needed to know? Did I help him enough? I'm not blaming myself on any kind of level or anything but I wish I could've said more. I told him to update me after his check-up... He didn't... Maybe I assumed he got better... Or maybe I got too busy to check up on him myself... I wish I could've done more.

Cerjay's gone... Just like that...

I tried reading our previous conversations... I browsed through some of them realizing that he was the one who always initiated them. He kept our line open. When I tell him to keep in touch, he always did. He always remembered. Always.

I eventually stopped browsing because it was getting hard. Then I sent him my last messages...

"I'm so sorry, Cerjay...

I wish I could've done a lot more..."

He has such a gentle and kind soul. As far as I can remember, I never saw him without a smile nor get angry. He had such a positive outlook in life despite the fact that he was traveling such a rough road. I didn't get to spend enough time with him when we were still classmates but when we did, it was truly QUALITY TIME. I can't remember our first encounter but I remember we had sensible conversations. Something that told me, "Ah... This kid is very smart." What I love about him was his dreams... His aspirations... His were good ones. After all that he's been through, they deserve to come true for him.

But his time got cut short. Something which I still cannot believe...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Such a sweet smile exuding from a sweet person.
(CMCC Students' Night 2009)

Cerjay, this is a very clichè statement but I know you're in a better place now. Thank you for being the one who stayed true to our "keep in touch." Thank you for always believing in me especially when I was down. I have so much to be thankful for for knowing someone like you but I am most thankful for letting me into your life and sharing with me your dreams as if I was your sister. Now, I mourn as if I've lost my brother.

It just shatters my heart to think that you didn't get to go the distance. Like I always told you, you deserve the best in life and so much more. I guess God saw you suffering and He thought it was time for you to be at peace. This is a tough reality to face but we must accept it. I always thought you were an angel here on Earth... Now you've become one in heaven.

Have a peaceful eternal sleep, Cerjay...

I'm going to miss you...

I love you...

The Take-Off

The past month has been pretty overwhelming... So overwhelming that I can't seem to put everything into words as they happened. These feelings exhaust me so much that I'd rather lay in bed and wait 'til I fall asleep... Then I wake up and everything starts all over again.

A few days ago, I let some of those feelings out in a short post. I asked myself much longer will I be able to last in this situation... I really was on the verge of a breakdown. Unfortunately, I had no one to talk to about it. That's my thing. If I'm too clouded by my emotions to write, a good talk would definitely be the cure.. But I had no one... No one who will understand... Which made it harder for me to keep myself together.

Now... I'm back... Writing again... But this doesn't mean that everything has passed... I guess I feel like I got some of my sanity back today. Thus, these words... They have found me again.

This isn't my first entry, let me tell you... I've already written an entry moments ago... Yes, I'm on a roll! That's how I'm so in the zone right now. I hope I'll stay in this for a while, though, because I still need to do my friend/life adviser's yearbook write-up. Haha!

Now, about that other entry... You won't find it here. I've posted it somewhere else... Because... Remember that journal I've mentioned before? Well, I've decided to put it up as a blog. Yes, another blog... And I feel gratified! I feel like I've accomplished something big. Or maybe I'm just looking forward to its purpose. I hope it won't fulfill its purpose soon, though... Not yet...

If I was a patient and someone was taking my history, writing would be my treatment and he or she would report it as, "It afforded temporary relief." Yes, just temporary. There's still a little something left inside me that I can't seem to describe other than "feeling weird" or "frustrated". Maybe more like torn? I'm not sure... See? I really can't describe it.

I've been thinking about a plan, lately... I'm close to wholeheartedly executing it because... Everyday, I feel like I'm dying. I want to get out of this. My heart is suffering too much, I can't control my emotions anymore. Mind you, I am having my rotation in Psychiatry right now... So I keep myself in check if I'm already having symptoms of depression... Talk about paranoia and nice timing, huh? My heart is making me feel like I'm mentally sick. Ugh.

So... Now that I have that new blog site, I feel like THIS one's going to be flying low for a while... Maybe... I'm still not sure... Because when I usually start something about "something", it suddenly ends before I can really say that I've began. Let's see... I still have time... I'm running out of it, though... But I'd like to think that I can still do something about it. I want to... I need to... Before I take that risk I've been wanting to do...

The Reason #IMhere

16th of November 2014, one quiet afternoon at home

I am three-fourths of the way done with my first clerkship adventure... Fifteen days to go before I say bye-bye to Internal Medicine... But the experience might extend another 32 hours... Because I missed 32 hours with them...

I had to undergo a minor surgical procedure a few days ago. Excision biopsy... Of my hidradenitis suppurativa... The night before my procedure (my dad was also in the room, by the way), a resident doctor from the Anesthesiology department gave me a briefing of what their side might do. They were only going to give me an intravenous general anesthesia... But then, he said something to this effect, "If ever something else happens during the operation, there's a possibility that we might intubate you." In my mind, I was, like, "Intubate? INTUBATE? Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? What the heck could happen that could lead to that?" He was still explaining the rest of whatever he was supposed to explain but I got stuck with "intubate". When he finished, I wasn't able to help myself and truthfully told him, "I suddenly got nervous when you said that I might get intubated!" Of course, he was trying his best to tell him that it's ONLY a possibility... But still...! Hearing that it could possibly be done to me was just... TOO SOON... After what I experienced on my first and last days in the coronary care unit of our hospital, and knowing how it was done was just... TOO SOON...

I knew was undergoing a low risk procedure... A less than 1% chance of having any kind of complication. I knew I was going to be in the most amazing and caring hands since my dad was going to do the said procedure, assisted by his resident whom I have full trust in. But after what I have witnessed in my less-than-two-months-stint as a junior intern and having a mind like mine, I got [a bit] paranoid... You know what I did? I asked my brother to bring me THE JOURNAL before coming to the hospital.

Yes... THE JOURNAL...

I haven't written anything in it for quite a while now... But weird li'l ol' me had this feeling of wanting it with me that night... Not to write anything else in it since my thoughts were too much for my hands to keep up with... But to just have it ready... Just in case... YES, I am THAT morbid. The problem was I haven't told anybody else what to do with it... Like... Who to give it to if something DOES happen to me. Maybe this one friend of mine would know since she knows I have THAT journal... I'm not sure... But I was more than 99% sure I won't fall in that less than 1%... And THANK GOD I didn't...!

The general anesthesia experience was QUITE an experience, though. Before getting into the serious part, here's a blooper... Picture this: I was already on the OR table. They could get all of my hair inside the surgical cap so the anesthesiology resident who gave me "the talk" the night before had to out a towel on my head, turban style. We were having a laugh. Then he told me, "Okay, I'm going to give you the anesthesia now. If you feel dizzy, don't fight it, just sleep. So start thinking of good dreams now."

BOOM!

The minute he told me that, I immediately thought of two persons...

First:

My resident doctor crush... I don't know why but maybe because it was the safe choice... Just in case I suddenly talk in sleep. At least all the people in the OR would hear was his name... VERY SAFE... He has already a heartthrob so I'm sure people won't be surprised if I unconsciously utter his name.

Second:

HIM... The reason I started the journal... The one who will receive the journal if ever the truth remains untold. The second I thought of him, I immediately dismissed it. I don't want to dream about him... Because I want him in my reality...

Then, I decided not to think about anything anymore. I just turned to my dad, called out to him and told him, "Good night, Papa!" Then, I closed my eyes...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

"Why does it hurt?" I thought to myself. "Should I open my eyes?" I asked myself. "But then again, the procedure might not be over and they might get surprised when they see me awake." But after a few seconds of battling with myself, I opened my eyes. No more OR lights, no more doctors... Just yellow walls and the clerk I was talking to a few days ago when I had my lesion checked with the Surgery resident my dad referred me to. "So... I am now in the PACU." I told myself. In a husky, growly voice, I asked her, "Nasaan na ako?" ("Where am I?") even if I already knew where I was, just to make sure. "Nasa recovery room ka na." ("You're in the recovery room.") Then I asked her other questions which I can't remember her answers to... I fall in and out of consciousness a few times, only feeling the pain of the operative site, and the tightening of the BP cuff every 15 minutes. Then the nurse came to me a said, "Aakyat ka na ha. Gusto ka nang paakyatin ng Papa mo." (You're going up now. Your dad already wants you back up in your room." After telling me that, it took a while before I left the recovery room. 

I left my room before 1:00 PM and returned past 6:00 PM. It took a while before I woke up, my dad said. He, actually, stayed with me for a while in the recovery room, waiting for me to wake up. He told me that the IV GA plus local anesthesia didn't really work on me so they had to give me more GA via face mask. I guess all that GA really knocked me out!

My afterthought... It started coming to me the moment I woke up in the recovery room. What if something really DID happen on that table?

My last words would have been, "Good night, Papa!"

And my last thought would have been... HIM...

This just came to me as I wrote that last statement... I felt weird having that resident crush of mine as the first thought when the anesthesiology resident told me to think of a good dream. I kept questioning myself why he entered my mind first. He's not THAT significant... Then... As I wrote that statement... I realized why HE came second to the resident crush... Because HE deserved to be the last thing on my mind... If ever I left this world on that table, HE would be the last thing, the last person I thought of... Not my friends, not even my family or God (I feel ashamed...)... But HIM... I'd leave the world with HIM as my good dream... And my life would've had a happy, peaceful end.

Nothing really big really happened while I was knocked out. There was no "my-life-flashed-before-my-eyes" moment because I didn't really have a near-death experience. But that realization just affirmed that I've moved on... And that I should never doubt myself with the choice I made.

So, now... #IMback... And #IMhere... In the Department of Internal Medicine.

There is a reason why I chose to be where I am. I could've chosen Pediatrics. I could've chosen Psychiatry-ENT-Ophthalmology... But I chose to be with IM. So far, I don't have any regrets. And I'm hoping I won't have any as this journey continues. I prepared myself, though. Anything can happen... The good, the bad, the nothing. I'm not expecting anything except for that moment when my heart will break. That's the only thing I'm expecting... Because it seems like it's the only thing I keep getting.

I am tempted, though... I am tempted to take the risk... Seriously... Because I just can't stand here and watch things as they unfold beyond my control. I have to take action, somehow. I can't always be at the sidelines, watching him chase someone else when I can go on that track and try to tap him just so he could turn around and see me.

Life is too short...

If anything, THAT would be the ultimate lesson I got from being sedated... under general anesthesia... What if I didn't wake up? He will never know how I truly felt unless THAT journal reaches him. He will never get to have a say if he knew how I felt. I will never know what could happen if he knew. Everything will be left hanging. There will be no closure. Yes, I could've died with him on my mind. But, like I said, I want him in my reality... Because reality will always be better than a dream.

A Glance at the Rear View Mirror

This entry was born out of another entry I was writing a while ago which I decided not to continue anymore due to the, somewhat, detailed description of what has happened these past few days. I've started a number of entries which I, eventually, kept to myself because of the same reason. One sure thing about me in blogging: NEVER write anything when I'm on an emotional high or when I just organized my thoughts because it always leads to a very descriptive blog post... Cryptic's my thing, I guess... And I want to keep it that way...

So... With that said...

Eighteen days...

I've been a junior intern (JI)/clerk for eighteen days now... I've been doing fine, "professionally speaking", maybe because I've wanted this for a long time. I've also been doing fine, "personally speaking", because I am where I am. I made this decision. I've weighed the pros and the cons. I've decided to just deal with whatever happens along the way. In other words, this was a "follow your heart" choice.

Yesterday, I had a heart-melting conversation with a friend of mine... Get ready... This is going to be a doozy... That conversation? It was about... THE CHOSEN ONE. I don't want to fully declare that he's making a comeback... Let's just say he's making a guest appearance or a cameo... She told me something that made my heart sink. I'm not sure, though, if it's because I felt sorry for him, I felt bad for him, or whatever. It just made me feel sad... And confused at the same time. Before writing this, I had to read the last entry I wrote about him to make sure if I outright ended THAT chapter... And I felt like I did. Now... I think I'm about to eat my words.

Before getting into me being confused, I wonder... Was he able to read THAT entry? I mean, I don't think he'd read something I wrote. I never assume people to read my posts even if I share it on my other social networking accounts. But... What if? Even if "Cryptic's my thing", I still believe that he'd get what I said without the specifics. I still believe that he's THAT quick and THAT smart to get the meaning behind my posts. After what my friend told me, I'm bothered and quite affected by what he's going through right now... Isn't it obvious?

Now... I'm confused... I don't know if what I learned about him yesterday is bringing back feelings or I'm just feeling bad for him. I wasn't able to respond with a straight answer when my friend asked me if I still had feelings for him... So... What does that mean? Though it felt like that "Take A Bow" entry was my last TCO entry, I don't think I totally closed that door on him. Maybe I left it ajar or a window open... I don't know... I'm not sure... I'm always open to possibilities... And, with him, by tagging him as "The Chosen One", there will always be a space for him in my heart.

So... Here I am... I am left with this uncomfortable feeling of, "What if?" What if I chose a different path in this junior internship? The problem with me is that I am too much after the chase... Yes, the chase... I'm chasing after someone who keeps chasing after another. Insert scene from "My Best Friend's Wedding" where Dermot Mulroney's chasing after Cameron Diaz while Julia Robert's chasing after Dermot Mulroney while Rupert Everett's on the phone with Julia talking some sense into her saying, "Who's chasing after you? No one!" Yes... I feel like Julia Roberts in this situation. No one's chasing after me. I'm the one, the only one doing all the work... I thought I had no regrets making this decision. But after what I heard yesterday, I feel like I'm starting to have them...

I can't fully explain what and how I'm feeling right now... But I'm definitely hurting... Because my heart seems to be searching for something it can't find... Or maybe it doesn't know what it's searching for. Now that I'm a clerk, I'm giving myself full permission to dwell in this misery. I thought I've already made my choice. I guess fate keeps playing with me, always getting TCO back in the picture when I already thought I've moved on. I have to think about this. I have to make sense out of this. I have to know what THIS IS exactly. I don't want to keep chasing after someone who's always after another person. And I don't want to be the person who just keeps waiting for someone who made me feel like I'm his option.

I just want to be somebody's somebody.

These Kind Souls

It's already 12:54 AM... Obviously, I'm still wide awake... Obviously, this is because of the adrenaline rush I got twelve hours ago. I have the perfect setting right now... I'm at home... My room is dark... I have so many thoughts running through my mind... I'm feeling things, emotions, and all that stuff...

Time to write an entry.

I've been thinking about what happened seven months ago and today, comparing the "both ends of the spectrum" feelings that I had on both moments. As a medical student, nothing compares to the pain of losing a hard-fought battle for something you wanted so bad. That's my situation seven months ago which have given birth to a lengthy unrelated-to-love entry entitled, "Left Behind: Words of a Wounded Soul" which has the most views amongst my entries to date.

Today, I can finally say that nothing compares to the happiness of being victorious in that battle you once lost. Yes! I passed. I passed one of the most critical subjects in med school. This is the reason why I am rejoicing right now even if I still have to wait for my other subjects' results before officially saying that I am a junior intern.

Seven months ago, I almost called it quits even if I had still had another exam to take. What was the point of going through it when I already knew that my worst med school fear has become my reality? But I had people who kept carrying me to my feet when I had no strength left to stand. These people, I call them FRIENDS.

I mentioned them before in my "Left Behind" entry. They're my friends/life advisers who's with me the whole year last year and who shook me to the core during my final week, and my newfound friends (at that time), the ones that caught me by surprise because I hadn't known them for THAT long and yet they were the ones who gave me the courage to finish my already lost race. So... Today... When I learned about the good news, I knew I had to with them. They were with me at my worst. They just had to be with me at my best. Being in their presence was, like, the icing on the yummiest med school cake! Even if I had to leave right away after checking out the results, I decided to stay in school for a while. I just wanted to cherish that moment of success and being with them in that moment. My perfect reward!

This entry isn't just about them. This is about my expression of gratitude towards each and every one who showed their support from the very beginning, especially during the past few months. I think I've said this before but I'll say this again... I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful people who know just how to lift my spirit when it forgot how to fly. This journey has been a long turbulent one but I was able to survive it because of you. I cannot thank you enough. You might think that I'm being melodramatic but this is just me, honestly saying how much I appreciate every small gesture you've shown me. Those small things may not mean much to you but it does to someone like me who's been through such a tough time. Thank you.... Thank you... May God bless you all!

So... One down, two more to go! Like I said seven months ago...

I'll see you guys on October 2014!

Unravelling The Untold Truth

18th of September 2014, 3 minutes before midnight

I'm in the middle of studying for my Gynecology finals when I suddenly had the urge to start this post... I had to... Before this day ends... I feel like I'm trying to beat the shot clock, scrambling to get this started... I might be posting/publishing this late but at least I started it on a day that is significant to me... And to the person who inspired this entry.

Today was a vacant day for me this week, our final exam week. Usually, I spend the whole day "locked up" in my dorm room, alternating studying and wasting my time on my iPad (like what I'm doing right now.). But today's different... I had something up my sleeve which meant deviating from my usual Thursday major exam week habit. I knew I had to do it soon because, knowing me, I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do (which was to study) if I haven't done this other thing I had planned for today. So... I did it... IT GOT DONE! That should put my mind at ease...

Well, I was wrong...

You know me... I don't go into detail about what happened but, let me tell you... IT WAS AWKWARD... Well, at least for me it was! It was SO awkward, I couldn't get myself focused on my studying. Every now and then, the scenario keeps replaying in my mind and then I burst out into an "I'm so stupid" rant then hit myself on the head with my clipboard.

Honestly, I built up this scenario days before I "executed" this plan... Nothing out of the ordinary, though... Nothing far from reality... I guess I just practiced, in my head, what I'd do and say... And maybe imagined his possible response: a simple thank you then maybe a hug? Then... IT happened... I did what I had planned to do... But somehow, I lost myself the moment I saw him... Even more so when he was standing right in front of me...! Like I said, I imagined this scenario days before... The hug was a half hug, though. It started so awkward because I had no idea if he gestured to do it so I leaned towards him and then ended up with that half hug. What caught me off guard was his question... I suddenly found myself smiling so stupidly at him, trying to think of something witty to say then I just answered plainly... A plain yet stupid answer... I hate myself...

This is it... I have come to this point... I lose all sense in his presence... Mind you, that wasn't the first time that happened... I used to be able to have a clever comeback whenever he says something witty. But now... My mind just draws a blank as if I'm letting him win by default. This is it... Everything has changed...

I think I'm in love with him...

I've been trying to deny this whole thing since he started "our thing." It was an unusual start. I wasn't used to experiencing what he did that I had to ask his friend if he was really like that. I didn't want to assume anything that's why I asked. When his friend told me about him, I dismissed the idea because he told me he's like that naturally. Touchy, text-y, chatty... I let him do that since I felt safe by his friend's assurance. But... At the back of my mind, I knew all that would lead into something else. Then again, at that time, I had The Chosen One on my mind so I, somehow, had this security that I won't fall into a trap.

Time passed... Many exchanges had happened... Then, one day... One of my good friends saw us at the bench having our usual friendly banters. I let her sit between us as we continued our non-sense. Then, she suddenly said something like, "You guys, you might eventually end up together with all that, huh!" I was so surprised by her remark that I let out a nervous, "Ha!" as if I was laughing the idea off. BUT... I clearly heard him say, "Why not?" When I heard that, I knew I had the wrong reaction. Why? Because I knew, that time, that I was starting to like him... I was just trying to avoid the idea... All because of The Chosen One.

I was afraid to admit the fact that I already liked him. I was afraid because I didn't want to let TCO go... Not just yet... I was still holding on to the possibility of something happening. It's as if I had my hope on TCO on life support and I just didn't want to pull the plug. And, another thing that I was afraid to admit was the fact that I liked two guys at the same time. I hated being that person. I hated being the person who couldn't decide who I liked better. And I'm not used to letting someone go because I was starting to like someone else. It's SO not me... I was used to dwelling in the misery of my heartache for months before finally getting back up and being able to say that I've moved on for real.

For months, I went back and forth between TCO and this guy. But when last semester was about to end, he had me... Not TCO... THIS GUY had me... The last couple of weeks last semester, somehow, I felt something changed. Maybe because I finally let myself feel what I wanted to feel... And I was feeling him. I will never forget the way he stared me down this one time. I was laughing giddily when he flat out stared me down. MY GOSH! I thought I was going to blow my cover. I almost did. I was SO tempted to tell him the truth but I just couldn't. I was never built to do something THAT brave and I didn't want to add "extracurricular drama" into our already dramatic academic life. So... Again... Concealed feelings... What's new, right?

Then TCO happened again... Blog entries right and left... Then, just when I was able to stay firm on my decision, here HE comes again! He's got nice timing... He just knows when to enter the picture... Somehow, I can't help but think that he knows when he's losing someone. The time when he re-entered the picture, we haven't had any communication for almost a couple of months. Out of the blue, he started things up again... And I, the most gullible person ever, fell for it...

Thus, the journal...
Thus, the two "Twist" entries...
Thus, letting TCO go...

I am DEFINITELY eating my words now... I said I wanted THIS to be as private as possible... I said I wasn't going to talk about him again... And what am I doing now? Pouring all this feelings crap about him... DAMN! This is really it, huh?

I have really fallen for him... Hard.. 

I still want to keep things private, though. I still have the journal. It took me a while after that last "Twist" entry to get started on it again. My mind was just a mess after that. Not that it isn't a mess right now. But at least, I have decided...


This is it... Another journey into heartbreak... Yes, I'm calling it now... I know it's going to end the same way... It always ends up with me trying to hold it together even if I badly want to fall apart. The story of my life... I thought I'd get used to it... But no... Each person is a different kind of heartache. Somehow I wonder if I learn anything from these experiences. Maybe I do... But the problem is each experience is always with a different person. I feel like ALL THIS is one big hurtful experiment... And I'm the mad scientist... I'm hoping, though, that one day, ALL THIS will make sense to me...

So... Scratch that "I will never talk about him again" statement I made before... Because here he is... Like I said in my very first entry, everybody needs an introduction... And THIS is his...